IT'S ALL ABOUT ME!

When Will It Get Easier?

2010-01-20T18:21:00.000-06:00

Every day I wake up thinking today will be better. I will not cry. I will not float away into random thoughts of sadness. I will not tear up at the sight of a pregnant woman. Sometimes, I manage just fine. But, every day it hurts. Sometimes, as impossible as it may seem, it hurts more than it did the day before. I think about it without even thinking about it. When will it ever end? Will it ever get easier?

At first I wanted to grieve on my own. I did not want to answer their questions or hear their attempts at trying to make me feel better. So I put on a smile and engaged in pointless conversation. I did not get angry at the uncomfortable avoidance of anything ‘baby.’ I did not flinch at the blatant inquiries of how I was managing so well. Although it is only obvious to those who really observe, I have been a shell. Not even my shadow is visible. I am broken. No one could hear even a whisper of what I am really feeling or thinking.

I keep pondering the seven stages of grief, and how some people get stuck in one stage or another and go back and forth. It is like a prison, I can’t escape from myself. I often times stare off into the distance, lost in a maze of nothingness. I forget things, simple things. I trail off in conversations. I get angry, irritable, even frustrated at absolutely nothing. As time passes, I resent having to deal with my pain alone. I wish there was someone that I could tell everything to, every time I feel like I am lost. Only problem is that it would be far too often for anyone to have the time to listen. I worry about stressing my husband, with the move from Japan, a new important job, the custody issues with his daughter; I just want to be strong for him, like he has been for me. My sisters feel so helpless. My friends seem so busy. It just does not seem fair.

I spent New Year’s Day in New York with my family. We went shopping, toured the 9/11 museum, enjoyed the sights and environment of NYC. After walking block after block, after block, we stopped in at the Border’s Book Store near Madison Square Garden. For the first time in my pregnancy, I allowed myself to imagine the what if’s. Kevin and I went to the ‘pregnancy’ section, had a seat, and explored the rows and rows of books. We passed and failed certain baby names, and we felt like we were our very own Google search engine as we poured over the pros and cons of pregnancy, what to expect, what not to eat, and what not to do. It kills me to think about it now. To wonder if our baby may have already been dead inside of me. That the moment I dared to relax in my pregnancy, it no longer was. How does one let go of that? How do I get over that? Kevin says that we will get through it. I want to believe him, and for the most part I do, but I am drowning here, NOW. When? When will it get easier?

I want so badly to be able to say, I am okay, and have it be true. I want so badly to be able to say, we will try again in a few months, and believe that we will. I want so badly to feel confident that it will get easier, and know that it Will. Get. Easier.

Right now, it is not easy. It has not gotten easier. The loneliness only increases. Sometimes I catch myself touching my belly and imagining what it would be like to still be pregnant. I have finally changed my email preferences for all of the ‘your pregnancy now’ messages that used to be a delight, but now seem like torture. I have taken the prenatal vitamins out of my purse, so my hand does not accidentally run across it while reaching for my wallet or keys. I have finally put the baby booties and onesies that I purchased ‘away.’

I went to the doctor’s office today for my follow up appointment after miscarriage, and I felt like such a failure among all of the swollen tummies in the waiting room. I felt resentful at all of the happy moms holding peaceful babies in the photos on the wall. While being escorted to my room, I walked by a room where a mother was being monitored. I could hear the heartbeat. I heard a strong heartbeat and I felt jealous and then guilty for feeling that way all at the same time. I craved for a plain, stark white examination room, without the photos, the signs, the pictures of the stages of pregnancy. I despised the sympathetic glances, the soft hands on my shoulder, the pity as they moved onto women they could actually exchange words of excitement with. Most of all, I hate the ultrasound machine. I hate the emptiness of it. The finality of it. The goodbyes it demanded, when it was suppose to introduce me to my baby. I go between asking why me and why not me?

The nurse asked if I had any feelings of depression. I actually laughed out loud. My husband probably thought that I had lost it. I thought to myself, I feel incredibly sad and lost, and scared and angry. But I do not feel depressed in the clinical sense, despite having depressing feelings. I wonder how much sense that makes? I fear saying too much and having people diagnose me with depression. What is the difference between grief and depression anyway?

I did not have the courage to talk to my daughter about the miscarriage. Kevin did it for us instead. She has not asked any questions, although I can tell that she is craving more of my attention lately. Every time I open my mouth to ask her how she feels about it, I swallow my thoughts because I am not ready to hear her answer. I have enjoyed being close to her. The distraction quenches my thirst against misery. But with Kevin working now, and my daughter in school, I have a lot of dreadful time to myself.

I wish I could keep pretending that I am okay. I tried to join a miscarriage group on BabyCenter. Tried, but I could not. I am just not ready for it. Some women bounce back faster than others. Some do not bounce at all, but fall flat. Some just float by, unnoticed. Every day, I continue to pray for strength and guidance and patience with myself and those around me. This is all so very new to me. And I hope it gets old quickly. I hope it will get easier, soon.

We Lost Our Baby

2010-01-06T18:19:00.000-06:00

For my friends:

I'm sorry ladies for being MIA so much. It truly was because the move from Japan was keeping me so busy. I had the chance to see friends and family that I hadn't seen in two years, and I was really enjoying that time with them.

I mentioned to a couple of the ladies that I had a car accident the day after Christmas. DH and I were taking our cars (separately) to get serviced for the drive from Dallas, to New York. We exited the highway and stopped at the red light. I was a car ahead of DH. When my light turned green, I proceeded through the intersection. This poor old lady never stopped going from the other side. She T-Boned my car at about 35mph. I pulled over and DH was right behind me and called the cops. I was shakened up, but not in any immediate pain. We exchanged information, told the fire trucks that we'd go to the hospital ourselves, and we did about 45 minutes after the accident. When we got to the hospital they took my vitals and everything seemed normal. I was hysterical. I had a few bruised ribs, but the doctor kept reassuring me that the baby was too small at five weeks to be hurt in the accident. He prescribed me pain medication which I refused to take. He said to follow up with our doctor when we got to New York, but that I shouldn't worry and that I'd give birth to a perfectly healthy baby in nine months. He was WRONG.

We travelled to Atlanta, without issue. We left Atlanta and headed to New Jersey without issue. We went to New York and I felt slight cramping, but thought that it was just my uterus contracting to fit the baby. I cramped a little bit more that night, but didn't want to be a party pooper and thought that it was the ten miles we walked (felt like ten miles) around the city in the cold weather. On Monday I went to the bathroom and thought I saw brown/grayish discharge. I didn't panic because it was so little, I thought that I had imagined it. But I went to DH and said that we should go to the doctor. He made an appointment for later that afternoon.

When we got to the doctor we did a vaginal sonogram. The doctor kept moving it around and I just knew something was wrong. I was expecting the baby or something to pop right up. He then said at six weeks that he'd expect to see a sac by now. He then turn to the nurse and said that they'd need a 'quan.' Well, I've read enough posts here to know what that means, and I was in tears. He then said there was no sac at all, only two cysts. One was a cyst probably from the clomid on the left hand side, and the other was a follicle cyst that hadn't ruptured yet. He said that I'm either having a miscarriage or an ectopic pregnancy. He said that it was very unlikely that the pregnancy would go any further, and that I needed to schedule a D&C after they get the results of the blood tests back. Yesterday they gave me the results of my HCG level and it was 477, which is low. Today, I went in for additional blood work (progesterone and another quantitative HCG) and I'll have the results tomorrow morning. If the number remains the same or drops, then I'll go in immediately for a D&C. He doesn't expect that the number will go up. He also said that it was unlikely that the car accident had anything to do with the miscarriage, but that he could not rule it out. I'm very confused, because if there is even the slightest possibility that it could have had something to do with it, then I want to know. I'm also frustrated at the other doctor at the emergency room, because I begged him to do an ultrasound, to check for a heartbeat. Run some sort of test. Had he done that, maybe I'd know that it had nothing to do with the accident, but now I'll never know. To miscarry a week later, it just doesn't feel right.

I can't help but thinking that I did everything right. I haven't had any caffeine, I haven't lifted anything heavy, I haven't had any sushi or any of the items on the 'do not eat' list. I know in my heart that I haven't done anything to risk this pregnancy. So, I'm very confused right now. Angry, sad, hurt, every confusing emotion that you can imagine, I feel, and yet still no words can truly describe how my heart aches. Kevin has been my rock, my anchor, and I am not sure that he'll ever understand how grateful I am to have him by my side. I'm not sure that I could survive this with anyone but him.

I want to thank all of you for the congrats that I've gotten recently. I feel really special, and I want you to all know that this group means so much to me and I really want for all of us to be celebrating with not only BFP's, but with healthy pregnancies and healthy babies. I would NEVER think of leaving this group, but I may need a little break. If someone could step up for me and just welcome the newbies and try and answer whatever questions that may be out there, so that everyone gets support and answers, I would REALLY appreciate it!

While in New York City, Kevin and I visited the Borders near Madison Square Gardens. We actually sat down in the baby aisle and picked out some names. We decided that the middle name would be Vaughn, after Dr. Vaughn in Okinawa, who helped us conceive. We hadn't picked out a first name, but we knew that we wanted the name to start with a 'K'. So, we've decided to go ahead and name our baby K. Vaughn Thomas. We figure boy or girl, it would work.

We're traveling to upstate New York this weekend and the doctors say that I should be fine in a few days (at least physically). They said that I could start trying again in March. But that's way ahead of the game for me. I may not get to respond, but I will be checking in on you ladies, celebrating with you, wishing you well, and praying for you all.

Thanks in advance for all of your thoughts and prayers. I really love you ladies!

It Wasn't Very BIG

2009-12-14T19:58:00.001-06:00

It wasn't very fat either, in fact it was tiny, skinny even, but it was indeed POSITIVE!!!!!!!

Ladies, I'm still in shock. I know we hear it all of the time. But after trying for so long your mind really can't wrap around anything other than a BFN. You prepare for disappointment, you hope, pray, dream and think, well this is definitely it or different from last time.

I found out yesterday and although my first instinct was to run on babycenter and tell all of you girls, I really didn't have the time to. With the packers in the house, with the kids and our 'girl time' pedicures, and with preparations to move, I was super busy! And, with the fact that I don't plan on telling DH until we get back stateside, it was hard to manuever around him.

Please don't feel discouraged and have faith that the answer to your questions of "When will it by 'my' turn?" will be answered when it is.

I just wanted to say that you girls are all so special to me. I just couldn't have gotten through this without you all and I'm just so happy to share it with women who truly understand the struggle, women who will be here and have been here, right along with me through this journey. Women who will one day (hopefully soon) experience the shock of disbelief that I'm still struggling with. Women who will be better and well prepared mothers one day because of everything we give physically, emotionally, and mentally to achieve BFP.

Could I Be???

2009-11-11T18:22:00.000-06:00

Sometimes I see people 'over' analyze their symptoms and it bothers me to no end because I just fear that they are setting themselves up for a greater disappointment if they get the dreaded BFN. On the other hand I know how difficult it is to really notice something about your body that doesn't usually happen and think...is this it? If we ignore the twinges, the soreness, the dizziness then we could really miss out on something important, right? When you're TTC you're trained to notice flutters that never existed before taking this journey. Your body sends you through a roller coaster full of these amazing twists and turns and when the nausea hits, you feelsatisfied and sit back to enjoy the ride because that bundle of joy is the reward at the end of the roller coaster.

I'd like to know some of the things that you've heard others mention when they ask "Could I be Pregnant?" I've heard, I took a 15 minute nap today, could I be? My stomach turned at the sight of daylight, could I be??? I peed five times, count them 1-2-3-4-5 times today, so....could I be??? As ridiculous as it may seem, we've all been there in one form or another.

So, here I am one week into my two week wait, and I'm ignoring anything that can be construed as a sign. It's a battle but I'm determined. Shhh...Don't tell anyone, but I think I'm winning! I'm slaying those creepy what if's with my weapons of mass determination. I'm stomping on those sneaky but why's before they can steal my sanity. I'm conquering the 'could I be' questions before the thought can be fully completed in my mind. "We will not be taken into the night (but maybe in the morning with first morning urine). Yep, I'm in charge, I'm a warrior, and I will not be defeated!

Who wants to join me in Operation Halt "Over" Analyzing Symptoms? If we all join together, I think we can take them.

So, with all of that said...Fertility Friend tells me that I have 62 early pregnancy points and my boobies have been incredibly heavy and so sore. Could I be...???

Nah, I'm just kidding! You thought I was serious right?

But no really, my nipples are soooo tender...Could I be...???

No really, I'm just joking!

But if I weren't joking, and I'm 8DPO/IUI, I mean, hypothetically, could I be...???

The thing is, no matter how strong we promise ourselves we'll be 'this round,' we all become victims of the infamous doubts and possibilities, and we drive ourselves crazy, while our DH's standby helplessly and wonder who the heck is BFN and BFP and what did he do to their wives? It's not our fault of course, blame it on the clomid, blame it on the stress of TTC, blame it on AF or TOM (Time of the Month) even. Let's gather around and flat out ignore the possibility that maybe waiting it out and being realistic about 'signs,' may cure us!

Ladies, we have to take control of our TTC sanity and not allow 'them' to defeat us. It's ugly out there, it's emotional out there. It's downright scary out there! But I'll hold your hand through it all, give you plenty of {{{Hugs}}} and encouragement. I will listen, celebrate, and graciously accept your shoulder to lean on, so that I can make it through this too. I have faith in us, together, we can do this!

IUI Complete, Now onto the Two Week Wait...

2009-11-04T18:25:00.000-06:00

So, I woke up this morning feeling pretty calm about the IUI. I didn't wake up extra early in anticipation. I didn't toss and turn all night because I was worried. When the alarm went off this morning, I checked my temperature, got up and showered and shaved, and brushed my teeth like I do every other morning. I said goodbye to the girls as they got ready for school and snapped at DH for running late. All normal day to day occurrences. After settling into the car, I tucked the cup filled with his little swimmers in between my legs to keep it warm. The drive to the doctor's office was mostly made in silence and we arrived 20 minutes late because of traffic. I checked in while DH delivered his spermies to the lab. DH napped, while I read a book for an hour while we waited for his sperm to be washed and prepared for the IUI. I was taken into the examination room where I got into position and waited for the doctor. DH sat close to me and then oohed and ahh'd over the speculum and sperm filled catheter that were sitting neatly on the table. He exclaimed (and I mean EXCLAIMED) "Are they sticking that needle up there?!?! Because it's LONG" I swear I would have kicked him if I thought I could and get away with it before the doctor came into the office and I had to put on my happy face. I gave him a look that said this isn't three strikes and you're out, this is don't even come to practice, you're off the team. Lucky for him that the doctor came in soon after and I forgot about my anger and soon became nervous. My doctor asked how everything was, and I told him that I was concerned that I had already O'd. He asked what made me think so, and I explained that I had EWCM on Monday and that my temp dropped significantly on Monday despite not getting a positive OPK. He said that even if I O'd the day before that I still had time for the sperm to catch the egg. I'm not sure if that is uncommon, but I trust my doctor. As it turned out, I came home and took an OPK and it was very positive, so I feel much more reassured with that. So, the doctor comes in and inserts the spectrum and I hear and feel it 'cranking' I absolutely hate that feeling/sound! I was so tense that I had to remind myself to breathe. I managed to relax and DH was there holding my hand and my doctor distracted me with meaningless conversation which I totally appreciated, even though his attempt was with little success. I kept trying to 'feel' something and despite my effort all I could manage to feel was a bit of cramping, which I couldn't tell if it was real or imagined. I also felt what I can only describe as a 'cool' feeling, possibly the sperm being inserted, however I'm not certain. It took ten minutes tops for the procedure, and I laid there for about 10 minutes while my doctor answered questions about DH sperm count. Prior to the wash, DH's count was 24 million. After the wash, it was 55 million. I was impressed. I keep telling myself not to fret because surely one of his little swimmers has to meet the egg out of a whole 55 million of them! After laying there for about 10 minutes, I scheduled my CD21 progesterone level check and DH and I made our way back to the car. We were much more talkative on the way home and we stopped and did a bit of shopping before having lunch, going home and BD'ing to reinforce the IUI. Right now I do feel pressure in my abdomen area. Not sure if it's just O pains, or if it's gas pains, or if it's truly cramping from the IUI. I do know that the feeling is there and I'm not losing my mind by imagining it. I've started the pineapple core to aid in implantation and I'm officially entering the long and slow two week wait. For the most part, I'm pretty calm. I've ventured out a bit and imagined what it would be like if I get my BFP this month and even asked DH about baby names. I'm not sure if it will happen this first try, but at least I feel good about what we've done to achieve it. Today DH showed me that he had FertileAid for men (he ordered it with the FertileCM and Pre~Seed). I felt so terrible for telling him in one of my clomid induced rants that this was happening to me and not him. When he's doing what he can to help too. Poor guy, and lucky me, because he totally puts up with it. I think the first week will be easy, it's always the second week that gets me all nervous and excited. It's always a comparison to when so-and-so got their BFP or overanalyzing my symptoms. I've been fooled my exhaustion and sore breasts too many times. I'm hoping and praying that I can keep it together for my 2WW, because if I do get my BFP, I really want to be able to surprise DH in some way or another, and if I'm driving myself crazy, he'll definitely notice. So, I'm joining some of you ladies in the 2WW. I have a feeling I'm going to need your strength!

My First IUI

2009-11-03T18:28:00.000-06:00

Can I just admit that lately my emotions have been as unrecognizable to me as the Japanese language here in Okinawa? I hear the language everyday, see the Japanese writing everyday. Just as I experience these emotions everyday, yet for some odd reason they still seem so foreign to me. I know the basics hello, goodbye, and thank you. Just as I can identify my emotions as anxiety, confusion, and nervousness. But the difference is that I just can't seem to focus on why it's there in the first place!

I'm a ball of confusion right? Speaking another language? Well, let's see if I can sort out what I'm feeling into words that someone other than myself can understand.

As a child I was the one who was going to have ten kids. Yep, ten of them. I reasoned that if one was bad that surely by the tenth one, I'd get a good one. So far, I've lucked out and my first child is pretty awesome! I just never imagined that nearly ten years later that I wouldn't have any more children.

I also never thought I'd need fertility drugs, procedures, or cures, to conceive. I mean really, that only happens to 'other' people, right? Ha, I have to LOL at my own blissful ignorance!

Here I am on my third round of Clomid, FSH trigger shot, an HCG trigger shot, several ultra sounds, countless blood withdrawals, numerous POAS's, different tests, buying thermometers, google knows me by first and last name (it's my BFF), learning to chart, learning to temp, chatting with Ruby, creating support groups, venting frustrations, confusion, irritations,evaporating lines, one or two lines, signing up for free OPK's and HPT's, hot flashes, dry, creamy, watery, EWCM, High/Low cervix, blue dye vs pink dye, OPK's as HPT's, digital pregnancy tests, the possibility of not just twins but multiples, tender breasts, ovulation pain, implantation bleeding, what the heck makes a positive big and fat anyway, TTC acronyms, folic acid, prenatal vitamins, Robitussin, mucinex, baby aspirin, FertileCM, DPO, pineapple core, evening primrose, baby dancing, dairy products, preseed, progesterone levels, HCG levels, tilted cervix, sperm analysis, motility, mobility, and IUI.

What's crazy, is that this is not 'the end' of the above list. The list in itself is ENDLESS! I had no clue about any of these things, and I've become an expert of TTC and I still have nine more kids to go in order to reach my childhood goal. Not that I think that will ever happen, and let me tell you, I'm just fine with that, but my goodness, Coldplay really needs to get out of my head, "Nobody said it was easy, No one ever said it would be this hard."

I've truly learned so much in this process. More than I ever thought would be necessary, and quite frankly more than I would prefer to know. I've gotten my hopes up, been disappointed, been inspired, and been saddened. It has been both uplifting and discouraging, but it keeps going, and as impossible as it may seem, it's just the beginning.

TTC has proven to be as foreign to me as the Japanese language and culture has been here in Okinawa. But as I've gotten acquainted with the customs and traditions and even the language of Japan, I've done the same for TTC.

If someone were to ask me how was Okinawa, I'd say that the natural beauty of this island, makes you feel closer to God. Living in Japan has been a rewarding experience that I will never forget or take for granted. The language barrier is no where near as extreme as I once imagined that it would be before arriving on island. Sure it has it's moments of pure and utter confusion, but in the end, this has been one of the most beautiful places that I've ever witnessed and I've lived and traveled all over the world.

I'm looking forward to my IUI tomorrow as nervous and anxious as it makes me, I'm ready for it. I take comfort in knowing that my BFP and the birth of my second child, like living in Okinawa, will also make me feel closer to God.

Fertility Clinic Update

2009-10-21T20:13:00.000-05:00

I'm sooooo overwhelmed and excited and hopeful!!!!

Okay, I must first say FINALLY I feel like I'm getting somewhere! DH and I went to the fertility clinic this morning and the doctor understands that we only have two months left in Japan and why we're anxious to get pregnant before then. So, if I don't get my BFP by Friday, and AF starts, then on CD3 I will go in for an insulin test (the two hour one, I don't think I've ever had that before), a sonogram, and other hormone b/w and testing. I'll take the clomid on days 3-7 and this doctor also told me that the first sign of spotting is considered CD 1 (DH asked this question specifically because of all of my what if's from last cycle). On CD9 I go in for an injection (FSH). On CD12 I go in for monitoring ovarian response and an U/S and possible HCG injection. I will also do IUI when I O.

It such a relief to have a plan! I am hoping for a BFP, but so excited that I have a doctor who is willing to run all of these tests and take the necessary steps towards helping me achieve our BFP.

I nearly had a breakdown because we ended up having to pay upfront for our visit and then get reimbursed by our insurance company. I was really upset, because when I got the referral, I was told that everything was covered and we wouldn't have to pay anything upfront. Well, turns out that the lady who told me that has only been working there for two weeks and made a mistake. We pay first and then get reimbursed which can be expensive and it takes 6-8 weeks to be reimbursed. DH calmed me down and said whatever it takes, but gosh I'm upset about being told one thing and then having to deal with it being wrong. I just keep thinking, what if we weren't prepared to pay for it or if they didn't take credit cards.

But I'm excited about the good news and that it won't take forever to start on what's next.

Round 2

2009-09-26T18:32:00.000-05:00

I have to be honest and admit that I didn't think I would need a second round. I sort of thought that I followed all of the rules. I did everything according to doctor's orders. I took my 100mg of clomid every day on cycle days 5-9. Began using OPK's five days later. BD at least every other day while ovulating. I laid down in the bed with my butt propped on pillows for 15 minutes, sometimes 20 minutes after. I willed every single sperm to 'stay in.' I took my folic acid every day. Ate my pineapple core for implantation. Relaxed as much as possible during my 2WW. I said my prayers, crossed my fingers, even made deals with secret deals with myself. Surely a BFP would be waiting for me at the end of the other side of this 30 day cycle. Boy was I in for a rude awakening!

Getting pregnant is hard work. Not to mention pregnancy, and labor, and delivery, and then bam... Motherhood! Whew! It's a wonder that any of us makes it through the first stage.

I'm already a mom. So many others are trying for their first. Having the joy of giving birth to my daughter, I have to say, it isn't any easier TTC your 2nd than it is your first. I often wonder what is wrong with me...now?!?!? I can imagine that it's just as difficult trying for your 3rd, 4th or 5th baby. I'm sure the struggling mommy-to-be of her 1st would disagree, but many of the studies I've read show that infertility is difficult regardless of the circumstances. I must say that had I known or suspected that my daughter would be my only child, I'd have done so many things differently. I would have breastfed longer, held her closer, lost my patience less. I would have lingered a bit longer on so many things, so many details. I would have avoided so many lost moments.

This experience has humbled me. And to imagine that this is only my second official 'try,' while others have been trying for months, even years. I am astounded by that realization. Although I am extremely sympathetic, I would be deceitful if I didn't admit to at the very least, myself that, 'oh my goodness, it doesn't make it any easier.'

While celebrating the joys of others finally getting that long awaited, greatly anticipated moment that renders many speechless and inspires tears of disbelief, relief, and quite simply happiness, I still can't help but take a brief moment to myself and wonder when will it be my turn?

I've got a really good feeling about this. Sure, I've had them before (more specifically last month), but I'd take this good feeling over a bad one any day. I'm going to relax, yet still do what is necessary to make it happen. I'm going to take it easy, but still suffer through and enjoy the ups and downs of trying to conceive. I'm going to take comfort in all of the BFPs around me, and know that my turn is coming. It is going to happen for me...soon.

Clomid Cycle Chicks

2009-09-20T18:35:00.000-05:00

So I created a new group on Babycenter called Clomid Cycle Chicks!

I really just wanted to create a place for mommiQ-ëto-be to go and share in their trials and success at becoming pregnant. If you would like to buddy up, please join us!

It does not matter if you are a mommy already (I am) or if this will be your first baby (it will be our first child together), everyone is welcomed. It does not matter if you are on your first round or third cycle. Or, if you have used clomid in the past and would just like to share your journey or success story, to those of us still traveling, please stop by and do so.

Every one of us has a story. I think sharing that story with others can at the very least help others along their paths and that has to be a good thing, right?

Hope to see you there!

"I wanted to create an area that we can all go to with our thoughts, frustrations, concerns, and excitement about taking Clomid to help us in our fertility journey. We all have stories, and I want everyone to feel comfortable sharing theirs here. I know that I never imagined that I'd need help in getting pregnant, but here I am, and I'm excited to share it with people in similar situations as me." ~Tiffany

Trying to Conceive

2009-09-09T00:47:00.003-05:00

So my wonderful husband and I decided that we'd officially start Trying to Conceive (TTC)! This is our first month 'trying' (well should I say our first month trying with assistance). Turns out that we're going to need a bit more help than anticipated. So, we're on 100mg of clomid to assist in ovulation, so that we can hopefully conceive soon. What a journey life can take you on. I just never imagined that I would have such an issue getting pregnant again. Even more that I'd want another child as much as I desire one with my husband.

I should be ovulating this week, and really crossing my fingers that it happens for us this month. I am just not sure how much of this waiting and anticipation that I can handle.

Christany's Weight Loss Journey

2009-08-26T21:14:00.000-05:00

http://christanyhcg.blogspot.com/

Mrs. Army Wifey Blog

2009-08-26T21:12:00.001-05:00

http://mrsarmywifey.blogspot.com/

Fallen Off The Wagon

2009-08-26T20:59:00.002-05:00

OMG, I haven't written in so long! I'm suffering here! I doubt I even have any visitors/followers left. I've been in Japan for a year and a half now, and I LOVE it here. It's seriously one of the most beautiful places that I've ever been to. Marriage is hard work, but whoa I'm crazy in love with my husband, despite how much he annoys me. Parenting just does not get easier, especially when you have a stepdaughter. Work doesn't come easy here, so I've submerged myself in many lame distractions. I've gotten fat, yeah, I said it, lol. I've very much have fallen off the wagon in many ways, but I'm slowly brushing myself off and climbing back on again. I am exploring the island of Okinawa. I just started driving about six months ago, I was just never comfortable. It's so peaceful here. I mean just quiet and peaceful and that's just so necessary in my life right now. My Hubby is so patient with me. Oh, but he still gets under my skin. I'm hoping to find a job really soon. I just am not meant to be a stay at home mom/wife. I need a life of my own, separate from 'them.' I am dieting and have lost 15lbs of the 50 I gained. Yeah, marriage will do that to you. I'm determined to finish the rest before fall. Yep before fall Japanese time. I'm spending way too much time with my kids. How's that possible? Well, when your kids start calling you by your first name, because they think you're part of the crew, then it's time for some separation and distance. My husband's in South Korea right now. Damn I want him back home soon! Now that a wagon I plan on climbing back on very soon!

Other than that, I will get back on the writing/blogging bandwagon ASAP, in the meantime, I will post the links to my weight loss journey and my Army Wife journey in this blog, so you can catch me there. Enjoy!

Headed to Japan!

2007-08-29T10:46:00.000-05:00

Well everyone, it's official! Kevin, the girls, and I (oh, and we can't forget the new edition of our family, our new puppy) are packing up and heading to the beaches of Okinawa, Japan!!!

We do not have the exact report date, however, it can be as soon as October, or as late as December. I'm hoping to squeeze in Thanksgiving stateside, but we may just accrue an expensive phone bill, cause I'll be calling my mom asking for her recipes!

We are super excited about this opportunity, the cultural impact the next three years will have on our and our daughters lives is a reward in itself. We are going to miss everyone sooooo much! But get your passports ready, because you are welcomed to come and visit us! I'm sure Caresir and/or Donzeal will be first on the list!

Will keep you posted on an exact departure date!

Sigma vs Me

2007-08-25T09:10:00.000-05:00

So, Hubby decided that he wanted to join a Fraternity. I was opposed. Mainly, the summer was supposed to be our time, with Munchkin gone to Dallas, and the house to ourselves. Well, instead, he took hours of our evenings and gave them to the Sigmas. I stayed at home waiting for his return and well, when he got home I was a bit resentful. He worked all day, came home briefly, gave me a synopsis of his day and then left to spend the evening with the Sigmas about two or three times a week. He never seemed to have the time to listen to me tell him about my day....Not that I had much of one. Basically, I waited for him to come home, so that I could show him my expression of how sick I am of the damn Sigmas. Also, for him to see a glimpse of my loneliness. Spending too much time with yourself, is definitely not a good thing. So he'd come home, and would be hyped, I mean HYPED about telling me how much he learned, how well he did, and what went wrong while he was at the damn Sigmas and I'd stare at him incredulously. Was he serious? So, it cost us a bit more than $600 for him to join the Sigmas and not to mention all of the petty blue products they demanded him to buy. And so, resentment grew, I mean, got HUGE. So, here he was super excited about this once in a lifetime opportunity and something he'd been wanting since he was in high school, and there I was wondering, where our time to be newlyweds was disappearing to, and it was not a good combination at all. He yelled at me because I wasn't supportive or understanding. I yelled at him because I was always third or fourth on his list of priorities. If the military said, be up at 4am and be ready to do combatives, Hubby was up by 3am. If Sigmas said crawl on all fours through a pigsty of trash, Hubby would drop to his knees. If I said, can you please take out the trash, it'd be three days and six arguments later before I ended up just doing it myself. Eventually, I learned to accept that if it were the military vs Me, I'd lose. And, my expectation really wasn't otherwise, because it is his job and his commitment to our country. I also learned that if it's the Sigma's vs Me, I'd lose. For Hubby, it isn't an insult or a power struggle. It's simply, what he wants, and I should play my role of supportive wife.

So, after realizing that I wasn't going to win, I supplemented his absence with that of someone else's presence. I combed my hair out and let the curls hang long and put on a nice firm fitting outfit. I got in my car and let the convertible top down. I drove my car down Interstate 10 West and let my hair blow in the wind. At my exit, I was more determined than ever. I parked the car, walked confidently towards the mall, and made my purchase.

I named him Captain. He's a cream colored Cockapoo. Cocker Spaniel and Poodle mixed. He is more poodle than he is cocker spaniel. He's independent, yet has severe separation anxiety issues. He barks like he's triple his 3.9lbs size. He's cuddly and soft. Tiny and fragile. Absolutely adorable.

So, even though I lost the battle, I have a companion to help me lick my wounds and retreat.

Making of a Family

2007-08-25T08:29:00.000-05:00

After three long months in Dallas, the Munchkin has returned home, well, back to El Paso. As much as we are becoming a family, it just isn't right calling El Paso home. So, over the summer she had many events to enjoy, and one or two that was not too enjoyable. The day after she got there, her dad went on a 'two' week trip to New York to explore his music career....Let's just say that he's still in New York, has a job now, and three boys that he's playing step daddy to. The thing is, he has not and does not play daddy to his own kids...He rarely calls Munchkin, maybe once every 2 - 3 weeks. Sometimes, I'll call him to remind him to call her. You have to remember that every summer since the child was one, she has spent the summer with her father, and here she is seven, and well, she has seen her dad all of maybe 2 hours in the past three months. On her birthday he called and spoke to her for two minutes. The last 30 seconds were of the Munchkin asking why he wasn't there, and his response was, I'll call you back later, but later didn't get there until a week or so later. I suppose I should give him a few points because although it was his choice to be there in New York, he may have felt bad about not making it home for a party that he has been to every year for the past six years. Hmmm, I would love to give him the benefit of the doubt and say, he's trying to make a 'move' for himself, and that can only improve his future relationship with Munchkin, but the problem with that is, she needs her father now. She needs to trust his presence in her life. She needs to be confident that she will be the first thing on his agenda even when she isn't his networking strength or his paycheck. I find it frustrating to still sugarcoat his lack of presence in her life with answers of, "Of course, he's thinking about you," and "Maybe he was in the shower and didn't know you called him." In essence, I'm lying to my child, which is an unfair position to be put in. So, here it is, about six months into my marriage, and in Texas, that is the legal time period that a step parent has to wait before legally adopting a child. So, now what?? I mentioned to Munchkin's dad that the Hubby inquired about adoption even prior to our marriage, her dad's first response was, "Sure, I understand the legal and logical reason for that, considering that he's military." I mentioned it again to him a few weeks ago, and his response was, "I don't want Munchkin to hate me one day for giving her up, because I couldn't afford her." Hmmmmmmmm....... There is sooooo much I can say to that right now. Mainly, the child support that he hasn't paid in more than four years is piling up on him. Legally, he won't be responsible for her if Hubby adopts her. Our plan, honestly, is never to interfere with his commitment to be a dad. Never to restrict visitation (I have never done that thus far), never to replace him with Hubby. It is strictly to make things less complicated with the military, to provide Munchkin with the long term benefits that having a father who is a Captain in the military, West Point graduate, and moving towards a possible career in politics can offer her. There was a time when I would tell men I grew serious with that, I don't need a father for my daughter, she already has one, but a positive role model, would be great. Well, the thing is, at this point with the Hubby and with the Munchkin, she needs a dad. She needs someone to protect her, have her back, encourage her, discipline her, guide her, and so much more. In May of last year, Munchkin was teased about the color of her skin. It was Hubby who listened and who told her that it was unacceptable and that we'd do something about it. The following day, she was assaulted from a boy throwing rocks at her head, and it was Hubby who sat next to me in the Principal's office demanding something be done. And just Monday of this week, it was Hubby who sat by my side when we met with the superintendents of the school district and discussed our dissatisfaction with the way things were handled with my daughter during those conflicting times. It was he who spoke up and said, this is unacceptable. This can not be tolerated. Munchkin's father, didn't actively pay attention to those events when I reported them back to him. I suppose again, I should give him the benefit of the doubt and say, well, what could he do from Dallas/New York? I suppose not much at all. I suppose he couldn't write a letter, make a call, say a few encouraging words to our child. Nothing at all of that sort.

I ask myself, "What am I?" Am I angry? Am I upset? Am I just frustrated? Is this what I expected? Is this what I want?

I really think that I'm just scared of my daughter losing this huge part of herself, and me trying to replace it with someone else. I don't think that her dad deserves the dad of the past 7 years award, but he's still her father. And I do believe that Hubby is an exceptional fill in, but he just shouldn't have to be. I suppose I'm scared. Scared of making the wrong decision and it affecting Munchkin's life greatly. Even if things continue as they are, I will not intentionally damage the relationship between father and daughter. However, I also can not just allow Hubby to be a fill in and then step out when her dad is ready to take over the role. Munchkin needs a dad now, not next week, not when the music career has finally taken off, not after his credit score has been improved or he decides it's time to settle down. NOW.

In the meantime, Munchkin got home on Wednesday, and she and Hubby have shined together. Every now and then she calls him 'dad.' Daddy is still reserved for her father. But all on her own, she had decided to include herself in this family as his daughter. He's not just the live in role model to her. He understands that she deserves more. So he's gentle with her and firm all at the same time, and she not only seems to respect it, she seems to accept it, and want it, because in all true honesty, she has never had a real dad before.

178.8

2007-07-27T11:26:00.000-05:00

At 6am this morning I rolled over when Captain got out of bed to work out. Tomorrow I whispered to myself. I promise, I'll go running tomorrow. Well, I got out of bed around 8:30am, and checked my email. First mistake. Then I reviewed a few job descriptions. Second Mistake. Then I responded to an Instant Message that I should have ignored until after I worked out. Third Mistake. Then I went to the bathroom to take some tylenol for this splitting headache I have, and that was my Biggest mistake of all. The scale stared at me. So, I stared back. It was a standoff of who could win. I silently told it, you can't beat me!!! It only remained silent. I let out a nervous laugh, and it stayed silent. Well, not one to intimidate easily, I glared at it one final time and stepped on the pedestal. What it revealed to me knocked me off so bad that I left the bathroom with my head so low and my feeling so hurt. I'm overweight. Not so much so that I can do anything as drastic as surgery. But overweight enough that my size eight's wrinkle up when I walk by and my size twelve buttons fall off when I reach for them. I admit that I've bought a pair of size 14 jeans and even a couple of size 14 dresses. I used the excuse that my bust is huge and needs the extra room and that my ass is juicy and needs the extra space, but when it comes down to it..... My ass is fat, literally.

There was a time when I could wear a size six, and it wasn't too long ago. About this time last year...Ouch. I was more comfortable in size 8s and it was good for the ego. the average woman they say is a size 10. I did say WOMAN. Well, I've surpassed average and am working my way to obese.

When I gave birth to Munchkin I weighed 178lbs. I had an extra being in my body and I weighed 178lbs! Now, I'm on birth control, which I take faithfully and I weigh a full fucking 178.8lbs.

I promised myself that I would NEVER be this big (without another child in my body). And here I am today, huge! When you look at me, you'd probably give me 155 or 160. Not at all 170 or worse 178.8. And that should be comforting, right? It's not. In fact, it sucks!

Just five months ago, I weighed more than 20lbs less. Marriage is not good for the weight. I should blame it on El Paso, or birth control. But, it's really and truly my own laziness. I don't have a job. I don't have any kids for the summer. I should be working out. But, instead I'd rather sit at home miserable, complaining about my unfortunate life.

Well, I just can't anymore. I just can't. I promised my hubby that he'd have a below average wife. I'd never be huge unless it's the cute huge associated with pregnancy. I'm for sure not pregnant. So, I'm gonna do something about this. No goal of how much is to come off, I'm just gonna get started. I lost it before, I can do it again. Whatever it takes. I have a choice here, and it's just not an option to go beyond where I am at.

I'm 178.8 pounds today, but I won't be next week. I'm going to walk across the street and go run around the park, and then I'm going to come back and do my 7 minute workout. And then I'm going to shower, and run errands. Get out of the house and park far away from the entrance of where ever I go. I'm going to be the wife that makes me proud, and hubby too.

Time to get started...

Allow Me To Re-Introduce Myself!

2007-07-26T11:39:00.000-05:00

I'm starting over.

I've been a lot of people combined into one really confused person. I've been strong and weak. A runner and a pursuer. I've been manipulative and deceived. I've made promises, and I've betrayed secrets. I've been way too mean, and far too nice. And in it all, I've been very confused about who I am.

Now, I'm just me. And I'll admit, I'm still discovering who that is. But I've accepted who I am. Sounds confusing huh?

Someone dear to me once told me that Change is good. Without Change, you're dead. I get it.

I know who I am at this very moment. I have a feeling of who I will become. But I do not know who I will be tomorrow. I am always changing.

So, here I am, completely in love with my husband and utterly furious with him as well. Anyone who knows me well enough knows that I am open and real with my thoughts, and that has not changed.

The day Captain came home from Iraq, I was insanely anxious. He told me that he'd be at the airport at 6am. I remember sleeping from maybe 1am till 3am. And I just couldn't take the excitement. I got up, combed my hair several times. Changed clothes at least seven times, and put on makeup that I later wiped off. I put on different shoes, reapplied deodorant, and stared at myself in the mirror. Believe it or not, I wasn't looking for invisible blemishes or stray hairs in my brows. I just wanted to see me. I was anxious. I was excited, I was nervous. That's the word, nervous. I was in love with a man who I had never met, but I wasn't nervous about my appearance, I was preoccupied with it. I was distracting myself with it. What I was nervous about, was the preparation of putting my heart into the hands of a man again, for what I knew would be the very last time. I smiled at the image in the mirror because I knew she would be different when I saw her next.

Captain wasn't at the airport at 6am. He wasn't there at 7am, 8am or 9am either. I felt deflated when I finally decided to leave the airport and go investigate on post. No one knew anything about soldiers coming home from Iraq and because Captain Around 10am my phone rang with an unknown number and I heard his voice for the first time in several days. Tears began to pour before I had the chance to speak. When I think of that moment, I understand what sacrifice and hope, and love is all about. If at that moment, I had to let go of all I wanted for us, in return for his safety and happiness, I would have done so without regret. And I still can't imagine how it must have felt for him to dial my number without an international area code and hear my voice without a bad connection, and without a 3 second delay. It only took his voice for me to refocus.

That day would be the longest day of my life (to date). After being sent from one place to the next, asking every person I could get access to, and calling every phone number available, it was after being lost and following around other soldier's wives and family before I finally reached him, after 10pm that night. And I was emotionally exhausted by that point. But seeing him, having him, here, home, and safe, was rewarding. Very much worth the adventures of the day. He was stinky and dirty. He was quiet and shy. Our first kiss was soft yet unromantic. Almost rushed in a bit of a way because he was so busy moving around equipment. But when he was finished and I had him to myself, I was completely comfortable and at home, that I knew our life together would be safe and happy. Ha!

Well, four days after his return home, we were married in Houston at a Bel-Aire Courthouse. It was a Wednesday. I decided to leave work early so we could help sell girl scout cookies for Munchkin's troop at her school. Captain picked me up from work. We were wearing jeans and t-shirts. We left the school went to the courthouse, waited in a LONG ASS LINE. Paid for our marriage license, paid for the judge to marry us, and waited in another LONG ASS LINE, for the ceremony. There were two other couples waiting as well. The judge finally came out and asked if we wouldn't all mine getting married together. I started to protest, but Captain was already agreeing. Captain took my hands in his and stood directly in front of me and we said our vows, and all of the nervousness was gone. I just felt the words and meant them. We didn't have our rings yet, so we skipped that part. And we ran some errands, got a babysitter for the Munchkin and we went home and made love to each other for the first time as husband and wife.

Since then, we've had some challenges.

So, here's my selfish take on things. Hey, it is and at least in this forum always will be all about me.

So, I put my life on hold for the few months that Captain is in Iraq. I focus on him so completely that I slack at work, with my lil sis and my Munchkin.
I went to meet his family in Atlanta two days after we were married, where I met a baby's mama who seemed overly nice (okay, fake. She will be trouble in the future, I an sense these things), a father in law who I will adore, a mother in law who I will fight for territory, a step daughter who I will never refer to as a step daughter because she's far too important to be called anything less than our child, and brother in law(s) who I will enjoy visits too and visits from.
I left my job in Houston, a job that I enjoyed with people I loved and felt comfortable with.
I moved from Houston to Lil Mexico where scorpions invade your home and make you fearful to walk barefooted.
I left my family and friends
I had my daughter leave her family and friends two months from the end of the school year because I couldn't bear to live apart from my husband for 60 days.
I am now an Army Wife with new rules to follow. He's also an officer, so it's nothing like growing up with my family in the military. An entirely different category.
My daughter was tormented in school because of her skin color.
No one knows how to do Black hair around here.
The jobs all pay minimum wage IF you are bilingual
The things to do in El Paso list is limited to eating Mexican food and watching movies with Mexican subtitles.
The nearest major city is at least 9 hours away.
Even though I'm a minority, I'm REALLY a minority here.
I'm resentful of having to show my ID 30 times just to go in a store and buy a candy bar.
I'm resentful that I no longer eat candy bars because I've gained a full 25 pounds since I got married.
As crazy as it may sound, I'm resentful of my hubby trading my first new car in for a 2nd new car, because it was mine, I did it all on my own and well, now it's someone else's, before I was ready for it to be.
I fight with my hubby all of the time because I'm bored, fat, and lonely, and it's all his fault.
I fight with my hubby because I feel like I've lost too much of who I am and traded it in for a life I thought I was prepared for. And in all fairness he warned me. But the changes in my life are more than what his pep talks could have prepared me for.

So here I am, facing all of my changes and challenges. I'm ready to take it on, because no matter what, I'm in this for the long haul. Captain is my partner, he is my teammate, and together, we can conquer our fears and accomplish our dreams.

Allow, me to re-introduce myself...

Hi, I'm Christany. A 28 year old married Army Wife. Mother of two beautiful girls (4 and 7). Online college student. Homemaker by default. Non-Spanish speaking, liberal with 'conservative values.' Dealing with changes as best as I can and sharing it with all who have the time and energy to listen.

Nice to meet you.

Anticipation

2007-01-31T18:26:00.000-06:00

I hear him call my name. I can already feel the tingles at the tip of my fingers, slowly making their way up my arms and making their electric slide down to my breasts and quickly over my belly button, only to explode into my wetness, making it throb with anticipation. It only takes the sound of his voice to awaken passion deep within me, that never truly sleeps anyway. His voice runs its fingers from in between my shoulder blades, tip-toeing down to the small of my back. His words gently caress the firmness of my skin with whispered kisses. The sight of him makes my legs instinctively part and I can feel the warmness of my anticipated pleasure, moisten my panties. Sometimes, his presence is too much for me to handle. I close my eyes, bite my lip, hoping for a bit of distraction. But the visions I see there, only make my anticipation grow. The images dance through my mind. His lips on my shoulder, his mouth on my breasts. His hands squeezing them while his tongue vigorously teases me. I'm reduced to whimpers as his teeth gently nibble and tug at my tense, firm, nipples and my body helplessly arches towards him. I hear him grunt with the pleasure of seeing me pleased. I feel his hands slide down the small of my back as he gently sucks my breasts and my body tightens when his hands cup my ass. His hands are so strong, his mouth so gentle, still teasing the brown firmness of my breasts. I don't dare open my eyes, for fear that it isn't real and this feeling, this deep anticipation of what happens next is too sweet to let go of. So, with eyes closed, I feel him move from my breast to my stomach, and his butterfly kisses only make my body struggle to grind against him. I feel his kisses on my inner thighs. I squirm towards his mouth and let out a plea of moans and pleasure. I feel his kisses on the lips of my pussy, and my body aches with desire and my moans have turned into words. I call his name, I plead for more. I beg him to stop. I feel his kisses on my clit and the sounds that erupt from my throat are foreign, even to me. I love his soft lips kissing my firm clit and I wonder if it can get any better than this exact moment, when he gently begins to stroke me with his tongue. I raise up, unable to handle the unfamiliarity of complete satisfaction. I struggle between the intense thrills of pleasure and the uncertainty of what this foreign feeling is doing to me. I feel his fingers gently plunge into me as my pleasure heightens and reaches its peak. My moans of pleasure grow silent and tears spring to my eyes as I indulge in the amazing satisfaction of it all. I am still. Except for the occasional moments of uncontrollable shivers and involuntary jerks my body experiences. He lets me rest and gently moves back up over my navel, over my still firm nipples and onto my mouth where he lets me taste the sweetness of my explosion, and before I can protest, I feel him enter me. Soft, gentle strokes. My body, still exhausted and barely able to respond, somehow welcomes him. I hear little sounds of pleasure escape his lips and the tingles start again. I begin to move with him, arching my body so that I can feel his thrusts deep inside of me. His pace quickens, his depth deepens, and our pleasure escapes us in unison when we moan. I wrap my arms around him, wrap my legs around him, and pull him deeper inside of me, desiring him, wanting him, needing to feel all of him all the way inside of my wetness. He rolls me over on top of him, and I gently begin to slide up to the tip of his dick and slowly back down, squeezing my throbbing wetness against him as I ride him. He watches me, he enjoys seeing my pleasure as I take him all the way inside of my warmth, and he watches the evidence of my pleasure, wet, against him, every time my body lifts towards the tip of his dick. I hear his pleasure in the moans that escape him, and he grabs my waist and pulls me down harder against him and I feel my senses lose control. He thrusts me harder against his dick and my moans are growing louder and uncontrollable. I feel his hands tighten against my ass and I hear his voice call my name and I let go. I feel myself throbbing against him as we explode together. His warmth spilling inside of me, making what's already wet, even more soaked and slippery. I hear his pleasure, I feel his sweat, I feel the tension leave our bodies and I lay against him. Daring fantasy to be that good, I open my eyes and there he is, laying next to me, holding me, content, happy, and satisfied.

January Plans

2007-01-03T20:28:00.000-06:00

We have 42 days left. Amazing that just a few days ago, we had 69 days left. I need for time to continue flying by. There's a Bridal Extravaganza in Houston this weekend that I'm supposed to go to. I may just relax at home, do laundry, work on the scrapbook I'm making for him (seems I'll never finish). Tomorrow's Thursday. I have lunch scheduled with Punky Brewster with the company. I attended Happy Hour with her tonight at my fav sushi spot. I suppose it's our fav sushi spot. Friday, I'm thinking of taking the Munchkin to a movie. Charlotte's Web or Happy Feet. Sunday I'll cook dinner, relax a bit. Hopefully I'll be able to talk to Him often as well. Right now we're on 'one-a-days,' and it sucks! Next week, will move slow I'm sure. I'll find things to keep me occupied. On Friday I'll head back to Dallas to spend my birthday weekend there. On my birthday (Jan. 18th), I'll turn 28, and there will be exactly 28 days left until I see him. So 28 is definitely the theme of this birthday. I'm taking a personal day for Martin Luther King's Birthday and will spend the three day weekend in Dallas, since the Munchkin will be out of school. On Thursday, the 18th, I plan on going to Happy Hour at Zake's with some friends from work. That weekend I'll probably chill out in Houston. I think I will be here until it's time to see him. He got me a gift certificate to Elizabeth Arden Spas in Dallas. I may go to that as a birthday gift. I have to find things to occupy myself with this month. Sitting at home worrying just isn't healthy. I started birth control this month. And I've gained weight over the holidays. I've got to do something about that. The pic from the 2006 recap is two weeks old. I've got to do something! I'm losing this weight battle. Okay, I think that the sake is starting to seep through this aimless posting, so even thought it isn't even 9pm, I think I'll call it a night...

Then and Now

2006-12-31T16:30:00.000-06:00

JANUARY

January of 2006 was difficult for me. I was depressed, dealing with my breakup with The high school drop out. I kept trying to hang onto something that was dead, and he let me, but worse, I allowed myself to knowingly do it. It was bad. I drove to this spot that I go to when I really need to sit and think. I pulled my car up to the parking space, and sat and watched the water and the ducks. And I cried. A real cry. I allowed myself to remember, to hurt, to feel victimized. I had a reality check. I told myself that I could go on crying and bringing myself down or I could finally let go. So I poured all of those memories, all of the bad ones, into the lake. I cried all of those bad tears and let them drip out of my soul. And, I turned the key, shifted to reverse, pulled out of the parking lot, and finally moved forward. I knew that I was only hurting myself by allowing myself to continue to dangerously mourn a relationship that was over. I made my mother a promise that I would have no contact whatsoever with Drop Out. I needed to re-establish and redefine who I was. And each night I went to sleep, I cried less and less. And each morning I woke up, I hesitated, less and less. And each song I heard on the radio, reminded me less and less of him. And one day, I didn't think about him, and one week, I didn't think about him. before long, my thoughts of him had diminished a great deal. My friends kept me strong and entertained, and motivated. So, in all January was a time of learning my strengths and facing my fears. Accepting my responsibility of doing it on my own and also accepting the help from others who were there to support me.

FEBRUARY

I spent Valentine's Day having dinner with my daughter and my sister later showed up. We watched television together, ate salmon, mac and cheese, and creme brulee. My family and friends came in for All Star's Weekend in Houston. We laughed and talked, and Drop Out called me. He used my business as a job reference, wanted to know if I gave him a good review. I did. Hearing his voice didn't affect me the way I thought it would. I was neutral. He was kind. Called me from time to time and even agreed to go to Mexico for a friends wedding with me as we had previously discussed before the breakup. We stayed in touch, not much of anything, but we would talk every few days. I started getting used to hearing his voice. Started taking comfort in his advice. Started getting jealous again, started discovering lies. Started wanting revenge. One day I looked in the mirror and thought, what happened to me? I'd gained so much weight and I was in denial of what I wanted from High School and what I wanted from myself. I needed to make some changes. So February was very much a month of realization. I wasn't 'over' Drop Out. I was simply existing without him. So much so, that it was easy, too easy for him to come back into my life and have an affect on me.

March

I went on a diet in March, joined a gym, and started working out three to five days a week. I went on a diet and started losing weight. I went shopping to buy shoes, got pedicures and started to get my hair done more often. I took better care of myself. I started to feel good about myself again and came out of my shell a bit. I spent more time with the Munchkin, made trips home to visit Big Sis who was in the hospital with spinal meningitis. I learned the value of health and compassion and the healing power of family.

APRIL

I ventured into dating a bit. It wasn't great, but it was a start. I lost more weight. Went out to Happy Hour with friends more often. Cried less and shopped more. Talked to Drop Out a bit, got drawn into more drama which I thought I was in control of. I realized that it was time to decide rather or not my happiness was artificial. It was. Could I live with that? I thought I could. In April, I learned that band aids are only a temporary fix. I needed to find something more permanent.

MAY

What a month!!!! My play brother "Cue" got married. I attended his wedding. My friend Punky Brewster got married in Playa de Carmen, Mexico. It was beautiful and peaceful. I had a great deal of time for reflection. I made friends with the hammock near the beach. Attempted to read a bit, but did more of soul searching and questioning my wants and needs. I came up with answers, that trip made me stronger and forced me to face my fear of being alone, and it was like I realized that I kept trying to make something happen that wasn't meant to be and that I was trying to run away from a fear that shouldn't have been a fear at all. I may not have had a man by my side to occupy me, but I had a future with a man who would want me, love me, respect me, and need me. I was only as alone as I allowed myself to be. I had family, friends, even prospects that could entertain me. But I also had words, time, memories, and life surrounding me. I was not alone. I realized that I was angry with High School, I wanted revenge. I wasn't over how he did what he did to me. I thought I deserved more, and I did. That trip forced me to acknowledge what I was doing to myself, even if I wasn't ready to stop doing it. And with that acknowledgement, came a time to heal. A very slow process, but it had truly begun to heal.

I was supposed to go and pick up Drop Out from Florida for the summer. We got into a huge fight, he declared that he was only using me for my money, he wasn't going to Mexico with me for the wedding, and that he didn't need or want me to pick him up from Florida. I found a friend to go with me to Mexico, paid the extra fee to switch the name on the trip, and slowly began to acknowledge that the ban aid was losing it's stick. I began dating Marines and feeling worthy of a real relationship. I saw High School for the first time since Thanksgiving on Mother's Day. We had sex on a park bench. He declared how much he missed me. I wanted to believe him, but I didn't. I felt a sense of control. He showed signs of jealousy. Showed an attitude of "I can have you whenever I want you." I showed him otherwise. I guess more than anything, I needed to know that it was real. The three years of my life that I'd given him were somehow real. I kept looking for explanations and it was there all along. It wasn't his age (too easy of an excuse). It wasn't the distance (too superficial of a reason), it wasn't the other woman (too convenient to believe). It was him. It was me. It was who we wanted to be, and who we weren't. Who we were not ready to be. I was still bitter. Still wanted revenge, but I was no longer controlled by my pain. I now had my own sense of control. When we spent time together over June, July, and August, I picked the times, I picked the situations, I refused to pay, I choose who, what, when, where, and how. I thought that gave me power. In May, I learned the beauty of simplicity. I faced my fear of loneliness. I acknowledged my weaknesses, and stopped making excuses for them. I prepared myself for accepting that the end was there. I began the real process of healing, and I weaned myself from a man who I thought I'd love for the rest of my life.

JUNE

I planned the Munchkin's Big Birthday Bash, as usual. She had a "Super Star" party with the red carpet, Beyonce, celebrity look-a-likes, a Sponge Bob DJ, Pink Panther movie premier (in the media room), cotton candy, popcorn, and hot dogs, along with an evening pool party. It was memorable, as it always is. I dated Marines more regularly. I thought he was so sexy and his voice, it was just so commanding and intoxicating, I thought, wow, I'm in love. I wasn't, more of in lust. But I realized that he wasn't the one, even before he and I became a couple. For starters, he just started introducing me as his girlfriend, without discussing it with me, I thought it was cute, until it happened again....and again...And well, expectations were set. He was too hard to be with. Difficult to understand. I couldn't nurture him. He didn't need me. I always had the feeling that I was replaceable. Plus, I always had the feeling that I wasn't the only one. Of course there's more to this story ranging from being stood up because of a 'sick' child (now that's just cheap), finding hair in his bed and bathroom, mysterious phone calls, and a severe jealous, and an obsessive and mean attitude out of the blue, from time to time. But damn, he was nice to look at. But he also really forced me to remember that not every relationship that you enter into has to be THE relationship, with THE one. In June, I enjoyed dating and sex and taunting High School and having a bit of fun. And being in control of my emotions, for a change.

JULY

I chilled out. Spent some time with the High School Drop Out. I was with him when he got arrested. I loved it. It was probably the best revenge I could have hoped for on him. We were at an illegal speed racing event. The cops just 'showed up' out of no where...Hmmmm.... And he was the only car who got stopped. He had warrants. He was arrested and he used his free call on me. I was so 'concerned' and made promises to bail him out right away, and then denied all of his collect calls. He never caught on, and such a shame too, I didn't get to gloat, and really didn't need to. I spent some time with him and recorded conversations. When we got hotel rooms, I made him pay. I kept the receipts. I noted anytime I thought he was talking to 'the other woman' and made mental notes of their conversations. One night, he was sleeping with me at my Mom's (she had no idea), and his phone rang. I saw the caller id, knew it was her. I was ready to say goodbye to him. I knew I had to hurt him bad enough so that he wouldn't talk to me anymore, otherwise he'd forever be able to come back and if I were vulnerable enough, I'd accept him. He woke up, I asked him to stay, he refused. So, I told him that he had to finally tell 'the other woman' that it was over. He said he would on his own, not when I told him to. I told him that if he didn't tell her, then I would. He said that if I did, that I'd regret it. Which is really what I needed. So, when he drove off, I picked up my phone, called her, and said, "You can call him now, he'll answer his phone, because he just left my place." Of course all hell broke loose, and he denied that he'd been with me, but I had proof. I had photos of us together, copies of hotel receipts with his name on it, videos recorded from my cell phone, and tidbits of conversations that he had with her in front of me, which revealed personal information about her life and his relationship with her. She finally believed me, which was a relief. Because he had painted me out to be some crazy person who had 'made up' our relationship and the seriousness of it. There were times when she'd call me, asking for advice, and asking me to have him call her. I thought, wow, I feel bad for this girl. She's me. She will be me. And how could I wish that on anyone? In July I sought revenge only to realize that it was bittersweet. I mean, it was REALLY sweet, but there is no true reward in watching people hurt.

AUGUST

I let go of High School. I really let go. The healing process was in full swing. I have only talked to him once since then. Haven't seen him at all. He went back to Florida, back to 'her' arms, where her pain is simply shielded by his soothing reassurance of her insecurities. We did have a conversation where I admitted to him my faults in our relationships. I kept trying to create situations where I was the one he chose, simply because I didn't really have faith that he would choose me. In the end, he didn't choose me. And I have to give him some sort of credit for finally standing up for himself and making His choice, and not the one that I had cornered him into making. I admitted to myself that some of my choices were self destructive and that I had been full of self pity for far longer than necessary. We all go through stages of feeling sorry for ourselves and our situations. But we have to remember what got us there. In August, I took responsibility for me. I admitted my downfalls. I let go of him, without hating him. I wasn't sure I could forgive him, but I was ready to try. I was ready to move on.

SEPTEMBER

I spent a lot of time in Dallas. I felt liberated, lol. I realized that the scars of my past weren't so noticeable, and I didn't have to be ashamed. I dated more. Spent a lot of time with family. Celebrating birthdays, driving back and forth from Houston to Dallas. I laughed more in September. I was okay. I was a survivor of a bad break up that had affected me for far longer than it should have. I could genuinely answer the question, "How are you?" Without hesitating or having to think, "How am I?" September for me was more about looking around me and realizing that the people who care about me, may not be holding my hand every time I had a personal crisis. But they were there to share in my 'deliverance.' They were loyal to me and deserved more from me, than a shell or a mask. I looked at my Mom and realized that she was my Mom. She had always been a friend, but I realized that I was her daughter, that she'd protect me in every way that she could. I looked at my sisters and realized that they may not know the right words to say, but would at least try. I looked at my brother and realized that just because he didn't acknowledge my anguish, didn't mean he didn't know it was there. And he didn't make me have to hide and smile when I wasn't happy. He let me be me, he gave me time. And till this day, he hasn't made me feel shame for how miserable and low I was. I realized that my Munchkin, as young as she may be, was cheated of the one thing I can never give her back. Time with me and sincere happiness, not fake smiles and a false sense of security. Yet, she still reached her little arms out to me, and rubbed my shoulders, and patted my back, and thanked me for loving her. I learned that my pain affected so many others around me. It affected the most important people in my life. I've recently learned that it affects my future. I was humbled in September. I was brought back down to what's real and what's important, and I started to unravel the bandages around my heart and forgive, even if he never knows it. I have to forgive in order to give my family the Christany they deserve, and to begin my journey to a future that I've earned.

OCTOBER

In October, I had some weak moments. But they weren't about my ex. They were about my future. What I wanted, if I could get it, and when it would come. I spent more time with Munchkin, but often doubted and wondered if it was truly quality time. October was the last month I saw Marines. A pleasant goodbye, at least for me it was. October was a quiet month for me, for the most part. I did hang out with some of Drop Out's friends and it prompted a call from him and a series of text messages which included a bunch of talk about how he could always have me and I'd always want him, and blah, blah, blah, which were things that I may have believed a few months back. It was entertaining how juvenile and pathetic it was. It was also the time when I really realized how easy it was to ignore it, to laugh, to dismiss it. I wasn't angry with him. I didn't tingle when I heard his voice. I wasn't sorry. I wasn't hurt, angry, or even excited. I was just like, hmmm, what a surprise, and I moved on. Nowaah moved to Houston with us in October to help out with the Munchkin. Having him around was different, to say the least. But he was a huge help with Munchkin, even if some of his habits irked me.

NOVEMBER

There was some drama in November. I argued with my Mom more than usual. She really just got on my nerves, and for some strange reason I couldn't bite my tongue anymore. Let's just say it wasn't a good combination. I met The One. He was truly a breath of fresh air from the moment I first heard his voice. I was drawn to him. I never wanted our conversations to end. I wanted to just love him. As strange as it may seem. I immediately realized that there was something in him that I wanted and needed. I could hear that certain something in his voice, and even now, when I hear him speak, I'm always left feeling as if there's something missing from his voice. It's like this indescribable void, that I believe I fill when I speak to him. And there's this incredibly feeling of fulfillment that I feel when I hear his voice, and saying goodbye is so hard to do, that we don't. We simply just let each other go. Until next time. There was a trip to Baltimore in November that The One rescued me from. I formalized my feelings for him. His dedication and loyalty to me were obvious. He never tried to hide his vulnerability from me, which only left me vulnerable to him. But I was safe. I am safe. I know that I will never be hurt by him, as I've been hurt in the past. He's made me realize that I am deserving. He accepts me, loves me, makes me a better woman. By the months end, I knew he was the one. I knew I wanted to spend forever with him, and knew that even with forever, I'd still be cheated of time. In November, I truly realized that love does exist. Not the tough love that hurts. But the true love, that heals. I realized that there was a plan for me. That "Every heartache and every heartbreak led me to him." I realized that I wasn't dirty, and that my scars had faded. I realized that love is beautiful, not superficial, and that when it's real, you can't mess it up, corner it, or abuse it. It's there, it exists. All of the things that you think will make it disappear, only makes it stronger.

DECEMBER

I realized in December that God has given me a gift. How could I possibly say thanks to Him? The One has shown me endurance, because I've pushed and I've shoved and he stands there and holds me, and loves me and comforts me, even when I feel I don't deserve it. He's still here. I will marry him. May 24th, 2008. I will be his wife, very soon. I realized that our story is not a fairytale, it is real. I learned that we will face issues, be it outsiders looking in, or our own differences, and that we will lean on one another to sort through it. I am truly so incredibly thankful and grateful that I've found him. I deserve him and he deserves me. We deserve happiness. We have a family to grow, a future to share, and a love to nurture. In December, I realized that I'm ready. I'm ready for him, I'm ready for us, I'm ready for love and all it's challenges. In December, I learned that I am worthy and deserving. I learned that happiness isn't about what someone else gives to you, but what you earn and decide for yourself. I learned that love is more powerful than hate, revenge, or sacrifice.

2007

Amazing. My Munchkin will be seven years old this year and beginning the second grade in the Fall. She'll gain a new father and a new sister. She will move to another strange place, begin another school, and begin another life with He and I. She jokes with my family that she'll have a new little sister and a new dad. I'm so proud. I will marry the man who I have no insecurities or doubts that I will spend the rest of my life by his side as his wife. I will begin a new life, I will encounter new challenges. I will become a stronger woman, with him by my side.

2006 was about self reflection and acceptance, and healing. 2007 will be more about new beginnings, new experiences, and new choices.

Resolutions are not so easy to keep, and tend to dim by the time Spring Cleaning comes around. Instead, as I have done in the past, I have come up with a 'phrarse,' to live by for the year.

My motto for '07 is:

"Stay Inspired As We Take the Path of Life's Challenges and Changes That Lead to Happiness, By Our Own Definition."

It's important that He and I actually lean on one another and whatever necessary resources that actually allow us to'live.' I want for us to overcome the challenges and changes in life that we are sure to encounter, while we pursue what makes us happy, by our defintion and not by anyone else's.

Life is no longer all about me. It's about us, my family and our future.

So Saddam Is Dead

2006-12-29T22:00:00.000-06:00

I'm worried. For the past couple of hours I've been glued to the television. I'm still on vacation in Dallas, and my mom will pop her head out every now and then to check on me. I'm nervous. I'm anxious. I slept with Him on the phone for a bit earlier this evening, but then he had to let his phone charge and had to get off the line. I've called him, he hasn't answered. My thoughts are coming in and going out, I can't hold onto them. I mainly just want Him safe and home. And I'm fearful that there will be a surge in violence and I can't even complete my thoughts on the possibilities of what that can mean. I can't think, I can't concentrate much on anything. Even as I watch the news or write this entry, my mind has so many thoughts flowing that I am lost in their control. 47 days left. It's a lifetime. When he's home, I do not believe that I will ever forget the wait. I know that I will finally rest. I know He would probably tell me not to watch the news. I know I shouldn't. I know that I should question the credibility. I just have to know what's going on, what's possibly going on. I just need to be able to feel closer to him, if at all possible or even reasonable.

On the other hand, I am not necessarily a supporter of the death penalty. I believe that their are other ways for members of society to pay their debts to society. However, like many others, I turn my head when people who are particularly violent in their crimes are put to death. I'm unemotional towards them. I'm not torn with thoughts of injustice. I will admit my hypocrisy without it being pointed out to me, and not apologize or make amends for it. I believe that Saddam Hussein was responsible for many unnecessary and heinous acts of cruelty and death to so many people for self indulgent reasons and it disgusts me to think of all of the people who had to die and who will continue to die simply because he so selfishly existed.

I am so scared for him. He has pacified me and it has allowed me to grow comfortable in our situation, and while I appreciate him 'protecting' me, I'm also more concerned and more stressed about what I may not know, because what I do know scares me as it is.

Must go now, He just called. I have so much to say to him right now, yet already I have no idea of what those words are. I do know that I love him, want him safe, and want him home.

Count Down Continues

2006-12-19T22:14:00.000-06:00

57 days left until he comes home. I'm amazed at how fast time has flown by, and disappointed at how its pace dares to dramatically crawl by me. All the same, I'm just happy that each day I am still able to hear his voice, fight with him, play with him, tease him, love him, sleep with him, whisper to him. I never imagined how hard waiting would be. I just dived right in thinking I can handle it, and when it comes down to it, I will handle it, I am handling it. But despite all of that, it's not easy....Shall I give Coldplay credit for The Scientist???? "Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be so hard."

So, how do I do it? LOL, I ask myself that everyday when I experience my weak moment. And yeah, I experience a minimum of one per day. I love him.

When I've summed up all of my frustration + confusion + irritation + impatience + resentment, multiply them by 101...The number that I've consistently come up with, does not equal the option to quit. I love him. And that love far outweighs time.

I've fought it, believe me, I've fought hard, as if my very life depended on it, until I'm exhausted physically, mentally, emotionally, and logically. Yet, within moments, I'm ready to ride it out. Take on that incredibly brutal monster named Time and defeat it with endurance. Yet, I am still very gentle with it, because I know, that in 57 days, Time will be my closest and dearest friend.

Home

2006-12-19T21:43:00.000-06:00

There's something about home that makes you always want to be there. For some home is what you want to run away from. There once was a time whenever home for me meant comfort, acceptance, peace, and happiness. Odd it seems that home is now work. Here I am sitting in Houston, less than a week to Christmas, and I dread going home. The amazing thing about life is that you never stop learning, and just when you think that you have a grasp on things, the situation changes so that you don't even know yourself anymore.

I know I may not make much sense here, but what I mean to point out is that either our home changes, or we change our home. And I've recently come to realize that my home is changing and my home has changed. A few years ago, pulling up to my parent's home meant familiarity, food, laughter, and love. Now, when I walk up the familiar steps to my mother's home, I wonder if my key will fit the lock. I wonder if the dog will bark in excitement. I wonder if I'll see my mom's head poke down the stairs with an expression of "I'm glad that you're here, that you're safe." I wonder if the rooms will speak of activity or if there walls will remain silent. I wonder if I should climb the stairs or just turn around and run.

Even children when faced with a weakened heart, a weary mind, or a tired soul, will exclaim, "I want to go home!" Sometimes home is where the enemy lives, yet it's still home. I know that very soon, I will create my own home, where our children will learn, be comforted, be fed, and cared for. I will create a place where our children are always welcomed and accepted. I will create a place that maybe our children will run to in anticipation of just being there. And with all of my heart I hope, and yes, I even dare to pray, that my home, our home, is never a place that my child, our children, will ever feel the need to run from.

I'm begining to wonder, at what point did I stop wanting to be there, to be home? When did I begin running? What am I running from? Where am I running to? Or has my home simply switched locations? He sure feels like home to me. Have I abandoned my house, or have I just created my own address? No matter where home is, be it our jobs, our lovers, our children, our location, there is really no place quite like it.

Fear

2006-12-13T20:25:00.000-06:00

I'm at a standstill again. Not as serious as writer's block, but I have so much on my mind and I'm just not sure of where to start to get it all out. I'm worried about him. I'm scared for him. I'm so weak and so on edge, it's slowly simmering out of control. I'm losing it. He has this way of greeting me, that makes me feel as if he's in the next room. Around the corner, about to knock on my door at any moment. He makes me feel as if he'll be home for dinner. As long as I'm talking to him, he isn't at war. He isn't in some dangerous place, dodging bullets and avoiding bombs. He says 'hi' and he's right here, next to me, with me, loving me, holding me, comforting me. I hear his voice and I forget that for the next 60+ days that he's out of reach. It's only when his voice softens and he issues a warning of, "ten more minutes, babe," that I start breaking down. I start feeling the danger. Needing him more. Feeling clingy.

It's hard. Harder than I imagined. Harder than I'm prepared to handle. And I don't have much of an outlet. I want so badly to be there for him. To be strong for him. But I am so weak. And so scared. When I was pregnant with Munchkin, the unknown did not frighten me. Packing up and moving to Houston, without family did not scare me. The removal of the cancer cells on my cervix did not scare me. Not like this. All of the things that I've faced in my life have not prepared me for the fear I feel when we hang up that phone. I talked to Hunt about it. He said that The One should not tell me some things. That even if we're 'best friends' I'm still his woman, and some things he has to protect me from. My fear is that he is protecting me. And that there is probably so much more that I don't know. And I need to know, because if something happened to him and he tried to sugarcoat the situation because he didn't think I could handle, regardless as to rather or not he's right. I know contradictory. However, if something happened to him, when he told me that he was taking a shower or in a meeting. I'd resent him for it. I would. So, where does that leave me??? Miserable. I'm not sleeping. I can only sleep when I know he's safe. Not out at the border. When he's out. It's a restless sleep. Sometimes, I'll get up in the middle of the night and take a shower, watch a movie, or play solitaire. I'll pace back and forth. I'll get online. Nearly anything but sleep. When he finaly does call me. I'm exhausted. I fall asleep nearly instantly. I'm out of it. Sometimes, grouchy, emotional, tempermental. I'm either not eating at all, or eating too much. Lately it's been not eating. I'm not able to stay focus or concentrate at work. I'm not able to function unless he's okay, and the only time he's really okay, is when he's on the phone with me. I'm in hell. I know that in just a bit more than 60 days, that he will be home, and time is ticking away, and I'm so excited and so happy about my future with him.

Maybe I need a support group. Other women who are in similar situations. I don't know. But something's gotta give. I'm even contemplating sleeping pills to get through the night, but after the situation in Florida and after high school (drop out), I am a bit fearful of the pills. I don't want to look for a solution by avoidance of facing the issue. I love this man. I finally got it right, and I can't lose him now.

I must go to sleep now. My head is heavy. He'll be calling soon.

Sixty-Nine....Days

2006-12-07T21:26:00.000-06:00

So the countdown has begun. I know the actual date may change, but I've got to have something to look forward to that isn't abstract. So, I put the countdown on my myspace page, something concrete, if even the date isn't. And now I'm sitting back waiting. Today, we have 69 days left. Damn it feels like forever.

He conversed with my mom today. They both said that it wasn't too personal. Just an exchange of viewpoints. He probably thinks my mom is crazy. He said that she is a victim of broadcast news... Yeah, even as I typed it, I thought, "I can't believe he said that shit." Hmmmm....I talked to her a bit earlier this evening. I was afraid to call her, afraid I'd get caught up in a three hour conversation. I got away with an hour and a half. Overall, she thinks that The One is the one for me. She liked that he listened and that he spoke. She said that there were a couple of times when he included himself in the future in regards to my family and/or activities involving my family. And she said she appreciated that he was comfortable doing so, and that it wasn't awkard for her to hear it. She said she shared a few stories about me being an Army Brat. Can't imagine what exactly she could have shared. But she told me that he doesn't think that I really understand what type of life it will be if he stays in the military. Okay, I admit it. Yeah, military life seemed great with my parents. I had a great childhood. Many opportunities that some of my close friends never got to experience. I enjoyed that part. But I never really knew anything more than what my dad allowed us to see. When he returned home from Desert Storm, he was still him, just had a bottle that eventually he stopped trying to hide, but still him. So, am I really ready, Hell, I have no idea. But he has 10 years invested in the military. I believe he can retire at 20 years. How can I allow myself to come into his life and change it that drastically, when he only has 10 years left before retirement? I suppose I need to figure out if that is what he wanted to do in the past or if that's what he would have done before me. I just don't want a guilty conscience if he makes the wrong choice for him, by trying to make the right choice for me. Anyway, off subject as I tend to do most of the time.... My mom needed to establish some type of relationship with him, so that now, every now and then, he can call with a "Hello," or "How're you doing?" She can identify with him a bit more, after hearing his voice and getting to learn a little bit about him. When I say his name, she won't think he's an imaginary figure I made up to deal with my issues, ha ha ha....she probably thinks I paid someone to impersonate him, and there was a point in time when I wasn't above that... So, The One is still in his initiation period, and even though opposing political views came into play, My mom hasn't eliminated him from the game. She's actually welcomed him. And I'm so proud. Yeah, I admit it, what my family initially thinks of him, does matter. So, I'm so glad that she feels a genuine vibe from him. He does so much for me...

He is the reason why I smile in the middle of nothing. And why I lose my thoughts in the middle of speaking. He's the reason why I stay in the shower five minutes longer, letting the water slide down my skin. He is the reason why I turn the volume up in my car when a certain song comes on the radio. He's the reason why I pause in the mirror for just a second longer than usual. He is the reason why my panties feel sexier, my heels feel taller, and my clothes fit perfectly. He makes me feel sexy, wanted, appreciated, and needed. He makes me feel proud. Gives me something to think about, imagine, and dream about. He's the reason why I close my eyes and hear music. He's that release you feel when you've been sitting for too long and your body uncurls in a muscle tingling stretch. He releases a flood of emotions from me, that I seriously only thought were envious works of fiction. He is so absolutely perfect.

Just 69 Days...

Tired

2006-12-06T20:11:00.000-06:00

So much I want to say, but I'm actually pretty tired. I need to call my mom. I've been arguing with Munchkin's dad about respect, irritates me just to type the word. I told him that since he thinks I'm so bad at being a Mom, then he can be a dad full time in Dallas. He can take her for Christmas and she can finish out the semester in Dallas. I know it won't happen. I can't do it. But I am so PISSED with him for how he really manages to make me feel like I've fucked up with Motherhood. He blames me for when Munchkin was a baby. I worked 12 hour shifts and was always tired. So, she'd stay with him on the nights I had to work. Sometimes three days a week sometimes four days a week. The other half I'd have her. But all he remembers is me dropping her off to him. He wasn't working I was, and I know I should just let it slide, not pay attention to it, but it's so hard to hear someone tell you that you've failed at the most important task of your life. And I know that he doesn't compare, but it doesn't help me to think that I didn't do my part either. So, he told me today that I would let weeks go by without seeing Munchkin. I know it isn't true. I mean, she was breast fed. I had to bring milk to her. I still fed her from my breast, so I was there. But he made me feel like I would just drop her off and leave, and he wouldn't hear from me again. I'm just tired. I'm tired of being told I'm not a good mom. And maybe the activities that I do with her are to compensate for something else. I'm just worn out by his judgments and the pressure of taking care of a child by myself. She has everything that she needs and all of what she wants. She's spoiled. She's smart. She's witty. She's a bit emotional at times, but hell who isn't, especially at 6 1/2years old? She's very well behaved, witty, respectful. She's exactly what I would expect from a little girl. An even better reflection of me. I can walk into a room of kids and know my child isn't the one screaming at the top of her lungs for no good reason other than to hear themselves. I like to think that I had a great deal to do with that. Not the luck of the draw. So, now, I'm going to go lay down. Wait for The One to wake up. One thing that I know about him is that he will remind me of who I am, and even if I know, encouragement and support always helps.

Dad, Daddy, Pops, Father???

2006-12-05T22:22:00.000-06:00

I talked to my biological father today. Strange. It didn't feel awkard, it didn't feel 'right.' It didn't feel good or bad. I guess I sort of felt a relief of, hey, I don't hate you, I just didn't know you. And I asked that he be at the wedding, and maybe share the task of walking me down the aisle with my dad. He didn't answer, but I think he felt.....I'll come back to that when I find the right word....

My mom left Michigan when I was young. She never said a single bad think about our dad to us. She just never talked about it. She said that she saw a way out and took advantage of it.

I don't blame her. But I will not marry for convenience. I can do this by myself if necessary. But then I don't have three kids at the age of 21 either. So, things were different for her.

With my biological dad (because he hasn't yet proven himself as a 'real dad'), I never really felt a connection to me, or that something was missing from my life. However, after talking to him today and hearing him trying to make explanations for something I never blamed him for, I thought, wow, he's right. I was cheated of my dad when she left Michigan. I was cheated of memories and of a chance to have a connection to my other half. Not that I blame my mother in the least bit. She made the best decision for us and for her, and she deserves that choice and thank God she made it and stuck with it. I've never seen my mom go home. She's always been so strong and I respect the hell out of her for that. But why no contact? Why no relationship? Why no phone calls, Christmas cards? Why don't I know my dad's birthday? Why don't I know my grandmother's name or my dad's favorite football team? I found out today that they'd dated since 7th grade till after high school before she left. She just left. Oh I'm sure she has her story to tell, but she has had 27 years to tell it. Here it is about a month from my 28th birthday and I'm just now hearing his side. So, I'm thinking that I really want to build a relationship with this man because time and memories are valuable, and why miss out on any more than necessary. As I'm moving towardmy future, I want both my fathers to be a part of it and that means, I have some serious bridges to repair.

Shhh....My Mommy's Getting Married

2006-12-05T21:12:00.000-06:00

So, after a long stressful day at work, I needed a little laughter. Well, as I was picking the Munchkin up from School, her teacher approaches me and says, "I hear congratulations is in store." I raised an eyebrow confused, and she continues..."Munchkin told me of all the new changes in your life. You're getting married and you guys are moving." As chocolate as Munchkin's skin is, I swear she blushed and turned a few shades brighter. She interrupted and said, "Okay, it's time to go." I was so surprised, that I had to assure the teacher that it was okay, and I quickly explained that The One is in Iraq and nothing is official yet, and that our biggest concern was Munchkin's upcoming adjustment to a new school. She said that Munchkin seemed very excited to share the news and although the move will be difficult for her, that she is certain that Munchkin will adjust smoothly. When I got her alone, and asked who else she told, she said, "Just my friends." "What friends?" I asked, and she said, "My personal friends." When did she get 'personal' friends??? And then she said, "I announced it to the entire classroom." OMG. OMG.....OMG....I keep forgetting that she's 6 1/2 years old. I'm not allowed to 'speak' in front of her. I swear even when she's sleeping, she's listening. I'm going to have to start speaking in code.

Munchkin asked me today when The One would be home and when we'd move. I explained that he was in Iraq. She asked why and Lil Sis (who was actually home this evening), helped me explain the whole 'war' situation. Which actually went over pretty well. Lil Sis held up one hand and said this is America and held up the other hand and said this is Africa, and two little countries in Africa were being bad, and so America went over there to help them behave. Simple but I suppose true by someone's opinion even if not my own. Lil Sis and I joked in front of Munchkin about people committing violent acts to one another, and of course, cause we're dumb and she's so smart, she picked up on it and asked, "What if The One get's blown up?" OMG....I was floored. I don't even want to think about it and didn't know how to answer and Lil Sis disappeared and her dad could hear me fumbling and he interrupted with a "Let's not worry about all that. Let's just worry about us." And I couldn't tell if he was being helpful or spiteful. Either way, it helped me not have to answer that question for now. I need so much for him to be okay. It's so hard. Oh...And I watched The Unit. Uh uh, nope, don't want to do that, don't think I can handle it, I don't want to go through it, or send my kids through it. I want to be suportive but OMG, where is the line between his career and our life? I know that once I see him and once I have more time with him, it will be easier to adjust to whatever changes may greet us, but right now, I just need him in my arms. So, what to do and who to talk to? I want him to be my best friend, and in so many ways he is. But then there's always Punky Brewster to turn to as well. I haven't slept the same since our relationship got serious and it got serious pretty quickly. Last night I saw a story about some car bombing or another near the city he is near and it scared the hell out of me. And I was miserable all night long even though I knew the times didn't meet up. I knew he had to be safe. But safe isn't even safe, and it's incredibly hard. I miss his voice. I miss the way it comforts me and makes me smile inside. I miss hearing him say hi, and I love you too. Trying to resist calling him.

I know that he wants to marry me. How good that feels, to know that someone wants to spend the rest of their life with lil ole me. I love him so much. I sent him a Teddy Bear that Munchkin made from the Wacky Bear Workshop. She worked hard stuffing it, picking out the Army T-shirt and uniform. Working to get the hat on his head and the boots on his feet. And she picked "The Wedding March" to be the song when you press his little hand." She even typed in his name on the birth certificate. She was proud and asked nearly everyday if he got his gift yet. I hugged onto that bear so tight before I sent it. Tried to transfer as much love into it's little heart as I could, so that when it reached him he could feel it. He has a little piece of me there with him.

I Miss Him...

2006-12-03T19:53:00.000-06:00

Haagen-Dazs has a Creme Brulee ice cream. I bought it yesterday, finished it this evening. Munchkin just asked me, "Why did you eat ice cream for breakfast, lunch, and dinner?" The best response I could up with was, "Mommy's not being very healthy huh?" She said, "No, you're not, you've got to be healthy, you don't want to be weak and fat!" Ummmm.....Ouch! I'll diet when I've finished the Coconut Pineapple...

Okay, I'll admit it. The ice cream (and as great as it is) is comfort food. Creamy smooth custard ice cream with a swirl of carmalized sugar, mmmmmm...Well, for a brief moment Haagen distracts me from my misery. I miss him. I miss him sooooo much. He has been unable to call or log on to Instant Messenger and of all of the time that we've been talking, we've NEVER gone this long without some form of communication. And it's hard. Wow it's hard. Maybe it's because it's the weekend and I don't have much to do with myself. I can eat ice cream though. That's easy.

He did text me, to tell me not to worry and that he loves me, and explain to me why he's not able to get to a computer or phone. Means a lot to me. So, while he's out doing whatever soldiers do in Iraq, I'm hiding in a 4 serving pint of 'all natural' ice cream 'made like no other.' 19g of fat, 22g of sugar, 23g of carbs...*sigh*

I did manage to clean up the bathroom, yell at the Munchkin cause she was the only one here. Cried while watching City of Angels. Gets me every time. Love that movie. And the sound track is great!

The movie distracted me for a while, but made me scared for him. I can't lose him. But I also can't think about that. He wouldn't want me to.

So, now I'm going to shower, relax in bed, and dream pleasantly about him. Can a pint of ice cream really satisfy four people???

Want To Know More?

2006-12-02T10:14:00.000-06:00

I met him online. I'm sure you've all seen the commercials. We're an Eharmony Success Story. I never imagined that I would meet The One online. I always thought in the book store on the 'Self Help' or 'Cookbook' aisle. Maybe at the gas station trying to change a flat tire. A fender bender in rush hour traffic, or even at some sort of seminar. I have met people online before, it's never been too big of a deal for me. But I just never explored the possibilities of what if, when if really happened. So, here I am now, after a series of compatibility questions and matching, in love with The One. One of the pluses to how we met is that before we were even able to send an email to one another, we were given the opportunity to get to know one another. Sounds strange I know. But at least through this site, we are forced to ask and answer questions, share our needs and desires, the things we can't live with and can't live without. We were able to determine if we wanted to move forward or if we thought it was in our both interests to just move on. So, by the time we were able to communicate via email, I already had this build up of anticipation that he did not disappoint. I 'clicked' instantly with him. The chemistry was thick. It wasn't sexual, it wasn't emotional, it was more of like, comfortable. No tension, no masks, no questions. Just normal, with sprinkles of excitement, curiosity, and pinches (to make sure I was really awake). We haven't known each other long, just all of our lives. He's waited for me, I've waited for him. I'm just glad that I recognized him when he came along.

The One is a Captain in the military, currently stationed near Mosul, Iraq. He's a year younger than I (I can't seem to break that younger man trend). He has a soon to be four year old daughter. He is from the Atlanta, Georgia area. Went to school at West Point and is currently stationed in Fort Bliss, El Paso, Texas. He returns home in February. He has a gentle voice that always makes me want to hold on to him. I can't imagine him at all raising his voice at anyone. He has what I imagine is a silent temper. And I believe that he rarely loses it. I don't hear him laugh often. Something I wish were different and will work on when he returns home. I love the way he says my name. I love the way he sounds when he's excited about something, or passionate about something, or excited and passionate with me. I love his words. I love that he understands the value that I put in words. Physically, I wish he were a bit taller. Nothing I'm not used to though. I love his skin tone, can't wait to see our bodies blend into combined color. I love his size. I love the shape of his eyes. I love his lips and how masculine he is. I love how expressive he is. How he assures me with just his presence. He moves me with a simple, 'hi.' I'm so happy!!!!

So, here's OUR plan. You know, I'll share more about how this guy romances me later, but, what really gets me about us is that he participates. Or maybe it's me that's participating because he initializes a lot, and I just give my input. I LOVE that about us. I don't have to be the problem solver, the solution maker, the go out and make it happen person. I don't have to be afraid to present him with what I want in fear of rejection. If I call him up and say, how about this or that, the response most likely will be somewhere between, "Sure, babe, whatever you want." or "That's a good idea." or some little input of, "How about we do this..." and it's always an improvement, never a rejection. It feels good to complete his thoughts before he reveals them. To hear a song play on the radio that reminds me of him and then hear my phone ring and know that it's him on the other line. It feels good to know that I'm needed, but not necessarily depended on. To know that he can and will take care of me, if and when I need him to. Knowing that he supports me, and will be my cheerleader as I begin to achieve my personal goals in life. Okay, off track here a bit, but it happens when I think of him often. So, Our Plan...

He returns home in February. We'll spend a few days together in Texas and head to Atlanta to meet his family. Punky Brewster will meet us there along with his best friend. My answer's Yes! We'll head back to Dallas to meet my family, and then back to Houston to pack a few things, and on to El Paso. Yeah, I'm leaving. Munchkin will finish out the school year in Houston with Lil sis and her dad, and then she'll go to Dallas for the summer, as usual. Then she will come with us, where ever he is stationed at (depends on what he wants to do with his career). Our official Wedding Ceremony will be in May of 2008, Memorial Day Weekend and if necessary we will push it to September, Labor Day Weekend. When we move to El Paso in 07, I plan to finish school. Really concentrate and finish up. He's very supportive of me going full time. I think it's important to him too. Which only furthers my determination. I'm nearly done. If I do it right, I can be finished soon. I'm hoping to keep the Munchkin in a Montessori school and he knows how important that is to me. I'm so excited about this. It is amazing how good it feels to hear him whisper, "I love you..." and think, Oh My God, that's more than just my man, that's my fiance, that's my future husband, that's my soulmate. I am so thrilled to be by his side. And whatever it takes to support him, so long as he is safe, I will do. He gives me time and space. Sometimes he holds back in order to allow me to make my own decisions even if he fears the consequence of me making the wrong choice. I love how selfless he is in that regard. But I wish he were more firm with his true desires. Whatever he wants and needs, I'm going to provide, he just has to verbalize it. He tells me how he feels, without making any requests or setting any hard expectations. But I sense he will put his final say on something when he has to, and I respect that. He knows how to pick his battles, I suppose. He calms me, soothes me, relaxes me. He's attentive, concerned, and caring. He's proactive, romantic, and spontaneous. We share our differences and our similarities, and I look forward to the friendly and harmless debates we will encounter. He has an interest in pursuing politics. Great huh? Yeah, I took off the revealing pics from myspace, you just never know right? The issue with politics is that we are on opposite ends of the spectrum. I know can you believe it. As passionate as I am about politics, I'm more passionate about him and supporting him and his beliefs, and I'm open to adopting some of them myself. Conservative, but realistic, is how I'll leave him for now. When he gets all out of line I'll snap him back into place...he he he. And it breaks me down to admit it, he voted for Bush....Twice....Twice! Okay, going to hide now... This has too many Mr and Mrs Punky Brewster similarities.

So, in a nutshell. He's the greatest!!! Attractive, educated, giving, and he loves me! I'm marrying him soon...SOON...Our wedding will not officially be until Summer of 2008 because we both love warm weather and because he has too many training scheduling conflicts in the Summer of 2007. I am moving with him to where ever his military career takes him. I even begin taking Birth Control (I want him to myself for a while) in January in order to be prepared for him when he comes home because, we're on a countdown on when he'll return, and anticipation is building.

The One

2006-12-01T19:27:00.000-06:00

With Him,

I don't have to fight.

I don't have to wonder.

I don't have to pretend.

I don't have to compete.

With Him,

I didn't have to tell little white lies or half truths.

I didn't have to twist and turn to make myself 'fit.'

I didn't have to put on make up or wear a low cut sexy dress.

I didn't have to sell myself. There is no sign marked "Clearance."

With Him,

I don't have to decipher his words, his actions, or his meanings.

With Him,

I simply know. There is no confusion. There is no doubt. There is no fear.

With Him,

I have not lost myself, instead, I have found myself.

He isn't just my strength, he is my faith, my courage, and my rock.

As important as words are to me, I find myself speechless. There are no words honorable and balanced enough to describe this feeling he provides to me. Every day I wake up and wonder how can I thank him? How can I show him? Express to him the impact he has on my life? And just when I think I have it all together, when I think I've found the exact words that most accurately describe how I feel, I hear his voice and nothing that I've come up with seems good enough. And he gently reminds me that it's okay. He knows. And you know what the best part about him 'knowing' is? I believe him. I truly believe that he does 'know.'

Sometimes, I sit and wonder when was the exact moment I fell in love with him, and it's pointless. It's as if I've loved him my entire life. It's amazing how the struggle and the pain that I have experienced in the past, seem so irrelevant, trivial, and uncomplicated. As if he were meant to heal me and show me what is and what isn't love.

I have always known love to be a complicated and concentrated effort. I'm nearly afraid and surprisingly thrilled at how easy it truly is. Admittedly, there are issues. But they're not problems. There are disagreements, but there is no animosity. There are disappointments, but no bitterness. Love is complicated, and it does take a great deal of effort. However, one of the most valuable lessons I've recently learned is that Love Does Not Hurt. Anger, lies, deceit, and disloyalty hurt. But love heals, accepts, harmonizes, and disciplines you.

I have exposed all of my weaknesses, all of my secrets, all of my dirty laundry to this man and as I stand naked and fragile before him, he strengthens me, cleans my closet of clutter, and gently bathes me clean of my fear. And how perfectly peaceful it feels to be comfortable and accepted in all of my imperfections, in my own skin, and still be loved?

I am proud of where I stand today, not simply because of surviving an unhealthy past, but because of where my future is headed.

This is the man I am going to spend the rest of my life with, and every moment of every day for the rest of my life, just does not seem like enough time to share with him.

This is a man who I know will protect me. A man who will not allow my past to haunt me.

A man who has cleansed me with a simple whisper.

A man who as impossible as it may seem, loves me (more).

I love you Babe.

I'm In Love...

2006-11-20T06:34:00.000-06:00

Yeah, I've met "The One." I know, I know, I move fast, and honestly I don't have the time right now to give him the welcome he deserves, but he surpasses any lust, infatuation, or love I've ever experienced before. I haven't thought of a name for him yet, so we'll call him The One until I find the right name for him. Simply put, I'm happy, and really looking forward to my future with him. I'll share more later, I'm supposed to be in the shower washing my hair right now...

Just a quick update though...

I've informed all of my former fill in's that I am no longer available.

Marines called three times last night before I answered my phone. I sent out an email request yesterday for the addresses of my friends, somehow, I included everyone on the list including High School and his mom (The Principal). Sucks for me, but too late to fret over it. Pilot, Marines, and Captain/Major were all included in that list as well. I suppose it prompted phone calls because yesterday Captain called and I chatted with him a little bit and I made him aware of my relationship status. I didn't have the heart to tell him that all communication between he and I had to stop, and partly because I'm just a wimp and also because I don't want it to. I want to respect The One's wishes, but I want to keep a part of who I am or who I was with me. Austin got on my case about it, and I know he's probably right and maybe I'm not finding the right words to express what I'm thinking, but Captain/Major needs a friend. And call me naive, I think he has too much character to pursue anything inappropriate with me. I made it clear my dedication to my relationship, and I know maybe it's not enough, but shouldn't it be? Okay, maybe that's the wrong approach. What I am trying to say is that can't The One and I not burn bridges with Captain/Major and just mutually agree to be mutual friends with an occasional email wishing all is well? Can't he stay on our christmas card list and family announcement emails? Every now and then say hello and see how things are going? Or am I begging for an 'issue' to arise? Whatever, I guess I know what the right thing is to do, and after re-reading my previous post, I don't think that The One is going to allow that. May as well get ready for it....

Marines called me and asked who The One was (could see our joint email address on the address request). I explained, and took pleasure in the explanation too if I can say so myself. Marines, I realize, is going to be a miserable person for the rest of his life if he doesn't allow himself to 'feel' for someone. I know he has it in him, I turned to him recently (few months ago) when this huge dramatic triangle thing played out between a friend from school, me and an unworthy man (no, not the situation from my previous post). He was very attentive and very comforting. He has a sensitive side to him that he really needs to allow to come out. He just doesn't want to make himself vulnerable, which is only going to continue to make himself lonely. Oh well, he's aware and after saying, "Good luck with everything," Abrubtly hung the phone up before I could respond. Hmmmm, what's that all about??? Quite frankly, I hope he's still thinking about it now....

Pilot hasn't made contact, but he's taken a job in Alaska or somewhere. I wish him the best.

Prince is not an issue. Nothing happened there, my conscience couldn't let it. He did text me Saturday night to tell me he was thinking of me. Hmmm, under normal circumstances that would have excited me. I looked at the message, and rolled back over to go to sleep. I was a little ticked that he interrupted my dream about The One....

Speaking of, I feel so complete with him. As if I've been waiting my entire life for him to find me. I love this man beyond words and it thrills me to not have to struggle with what if's or scenarios to prove to myself that he feels the same way. I don't have to disect his words or his actions, I just know. There is so much comfort in knowing. I plan on spending the rest of my life by his side, supporting him, loving him, pleasing him, taking care of him, doing all that I can to make him happy.

I know that he is a bit too special to share everything with ya'll about us, but I'll reveal what I can. Who am I kidding right? I'll share more later, I've got to go and wash my hair!

Dating Again...

2006-10-10T17:49:00.000-05:00

So, here I am, still in Houston, single again (for the past year) and not sure of what to do with myself.

Let's see... What's changed....

Well, I've dated a few guys since my split with High School...

First one I took seriously is "Marines"

Marines is nice to look at. He's very attractive. Light skinned, tall, a Marine...In bed he's adventurous, which I like, size does matter and he doesn't disappoint. He's light skinned,which isn't usually my preference, but there's some pluses to him that make me forget that. 1st he's a very dominant man, and there is nothing more appealing than a man who can be and is...a man. His voice is strong and firm and commanding, and I swear all he has to do is talk to me and it makes my panties wet. So, what's the problem? He's too involved with work. Travels a lot. And, I know I'm not the only woman he makes cream if you know what I mean, and I really can't get comfortable with the idea that he's always on the go and that his job is about getting women on a pull up bar so that more men can come around so that he can con them into joining the Marines. He makes it look so glamorous. Ohh....And he sweats, sometimes he has a musty scent to him and well, it just turns me on that he's so masculine. I know that may be a turn off to some women, but I have a problem with a man who washes his dick more than I wash my ass. four and five showers a day says compulsive disorder to me....Problem with Marines is that he lives in Dallas and is not easily accessible. Plus, as I'm sure Punky Brewster (a friend I met in Houston) will remind me of...I found hair in his bed...and in his bathroom, all in his shower. And so forth. He denied it, even though it was sitting right there all over his sheets. He said no one had been in his bed but me, ha ha ha, I'm sure you little Devil....As a matter of fact his 'code' name should be 666. Anyway, he and I were supposed to be girlfriend and boyfriend (cute huh?) But it happened way too fast. I mean, I had just gotten back from Ms Punky Brewster's wedding in Mexico, and 666, I mean Marines....Introduced me as his girlfriend to some lady he was conducting business with. I of course was flattered, even though it was awkard, and had the hardest time introducing him to anyone as my boyfriend. Anyway, since he gave me the title, I played the part, and was pissed when I found the hair and it just died down after that. Couldn't trust him. Funny thing about it, is that it wouldn't have bothered me so much, if he hadn't stuck me with that title. It comes with so many expectations. I did something out of my character...I allowed a camera in the bedroom. And I didn't take it with me when I left...I could marry a politician someday, you just never know...Shit!

Next on the list is the Pilot...A White guy. I know, I have the right to lose my mind just once. But hey, he's really sweet, we just come from different worlds...Really different. He's sensitive, caring, and attentive. Fun to be around, knows how to make me laugh and feel like I'm the only woman in the room. On the other hand he's boring, mundane, and well....White... So, we keep in touch, but also because of his schedule (he flies helicopters in the gulf offshore), it's hard for us to get together.

Next is Prince....I have yet to explore him yet, but damn, I'm dying to. In fact, I'm making a special trip to Dallas on Friday to do just that. Explore. And you had better believe we're going deep sea fishing, bull riding, and camping, all in his bedroom. And if I'm lucky it'll be in his kitchen, on his balcony in the hallway, and on his bathroom counter, damn the anticipation makes me wet. So the con's... I am so bad...So, he's the Ex of my best friend in High School (My Ex is now no longer referred to as High School ya'll....More like Drop Out, ha ha ha, I like it). We (Prince and I) didn't figure that out until after we had began communicating. But now I know, and I don't want to stop. And well, even before the whole thing with Drop Out (I really like), I made a deal with myself, to never be the 'other woman' and well, I don't want to be the 'woman' who you know, slept with her best friends' Ex.... But damn, damn, damn, I could just eat his ass up, and I mean literally, I want a piece of that soooooo bad. And we discussed it (Prince and I) and he said that it's really none of her concern. That relationship ended at least three years ago. But then it raises the question, is it ever okay to begin a relationship with one of your friend's Ex's??? If someone close to me or semi close to me began dating High School....err...Drop Out, then I'd be a little ticked the fuck off. But this is different. Isn't it??? I mean, it's not like we planned to meet and hit it off good....Someone set my mind to rest! Otherwise I may have to cancel that eagerly anticipated trip to Dallas. Mmmmm...Did I mention that he's a chocolate dick... I mean stick....He's tall, a body better than Drop Out's and tall(er) than Drop Out.....Okay enough with the comparisons, but this guy would be more than just a toy for me, even though I'd definitely play with him. I'd carry him around in my purse if he could fit. But there's more to him than his manhood. I mean, he's....Well....He.....Ummm....He......Ummm.....Did I mention the phone sex we had last night....Oh My GOD....I need it, and I deserve it. All of the shit I've been through (I'll have to explain the whole ordeal with Drop Out later, it no longer hurts, but it's still a bit hard to describe), I deserve some physical attention and honestly, I do desire more. I do want a fulfilling relationship, but in the meantime, I'll take the toy....Oh yeah, back to the other qualities that I like about him. He's Charming...Part of why his name is "Prince." He values family and has personal values. He's educated, cares about his appearance, and is independent. I actually think he's someone I could really come to care deeply about.

Moving on. There's also Captain, Who is now a Major in the Army...OMG....OMG...I can't even begin to find the words. This man reeks sex appeal. He's uncharistically handsome. Attractive, educated, witty, smart, older, mature, experienced, smooth chocolate skin, straight teeth, gorgeous smile. You'd think someone drew him. He's so damn perfect. Some of my 'older' Blog readers will remember him from my past blog entries as Captain. Damn, I stayed celibate for him before he left for Europe. I tried to wait for him. Didn't want to mess up a good thing. But then Banana Split came along and fucked the celibacy up. So, anyway, the latest with Captain....Or Major....Is that he'll be returning to the United States from Europe in approximately four weeks. Of course when he told me this, I instantly went on a diet, ha ha ha...But I also got so excited. Not sure that I can explain my level of excitement. I mean, I really had to pause for a moment and breathe. I want this guy. That's what makes this such a fragile situation. Drop Out pursued me, Marines was a filler for me, a replacement that I wanted to work, because he had qualities that I find attractive. Prince is someone who has possibilities, but it would move along pretty slow...Major on the other hand. I want his ass. I mean, I don't want just his ass, I want him. I love his character. His thoughtfulness. I'm attracted to his compassion and his sincerity. He's followed lil sis's track career from overseas. Sending his advice and congrats via email. He knows my family. He's spent time with us (Our first date was Thanksgiving four years ago). He's active, well traveled, and laid back all at the same time. I'm severly jealous of his passport. Oh, and he bought me the Jay Z albumn before he left to Europe. I know, I know, no big deal. But it actually was. It was sold out everywhere I went to find it. Before he left, he put it under my pillow. I found it a few days later, but oh my God, I was so touched. I know, it's so small, but it's the simple things. I went to visit him in Kansas, and let me tell you, it felt good to be on Captain's arm, he got so much respect just by entering a room. There was only one resturant in the city we were in...Applebees...I got so damn sick of Applebee's...it's all we ate. When we left Kansas I told him, I'd never eat at Applebees again if I could help it. But as I recently told him, what I wouldn't give to be sitting right beside him, smelling his scent, touching his skin, feeling his warmth, at Applebee's, right at this very moment. Damn, I don't think we'd make it to the car. So, of course with me, life isn't simple. It's quite complicated. So, that means, there's a catch to Captain...Or Major...Or whatever...He's married now.

Yep, I was shocked...am shocked too...How could he do that to me????? I mean, screw Drop Out, I waited six months for him without sex!!!!!! No Sex.....okay okay, so sex isn't all that important, but damn, seriously, he got married. I know I fell in love and would have married Drop Out at the first opportunity, but I didn't. It's over, and Major's ass is out there married. Disappointment doesn't even begin to touch the surface. I about fell out of my chair...My celly (the lady I share in office with at work) nearly performed mouth to mouth on me, I could hardly breathe...I was stunned. Then he said he had a little girl turning six on the 23rd, and that floored me, I was like, wait a minute Major, you're gonna have to explain this one, because Munchkin's only six, and you and I were only 4 years ago. So, it turned out that he adopted her. I'm thinking it's probably the enemy's child....Okay, okay, so it's probably the wife's child and he formally adopted her. So, it took me awhile to adjustto the news and then he busts out with an "I'm getting a divorce." You guys can not imagine the flurry of emotions that I went through in this one conversation.

A divorce. Now my personal take on divorce is no no, but at that precise moment, it was more like Herbal Essence...mmmmmm.....Yesssss, Yesssss, Yessssssssss!!!!!

So, Major got married about two years ago, got back from Pakistan or Afghanistan somewhere and then something happened (he didn't go into details) and now he's getting a divorce. He said I probably wouldn't want him anymore....Mmm mmmm mmmm if he only knew his own value. I seriously can not believe any woman in her 'right' mind would let him go. She definitely wouldn't step outside of the marriage....nevertheless get caught stepping outside of the marriage. I don't know what happened, it's pure speculation, but someone be it he or she....cheated. He did say that he made a rush decision and made a mistake. He said he got lonely and thought getting married was the solution. Damn, why couldn't it have been me. Damn.........

So the married and soon to be divorced Major is coming back to America. What's next? It's a very fragile situation. I don't want to be his rebound, but I do want to be in his life. I think it's clear to him that I am willing and honestly, I would prioritize him first in my life...socially, that is. But the issue is that because I really do care about him, there is no body armor to protect me from getting hurt. He's moving to Georgia...He's already mentioned that a trip to Houston will be pretty simple to make. I don't know how to play this safe. He's not ready for a relationship, even though I am. But, besides that, I don't want the drama, the hurt, the nervousness that comes along with a recently divorced man. He doesn't feel that great about himself right now, and I want to help build on that. And I can't even discuss the sex with ya'll, I mean, it was too special to share with anyone but he and I.......(But ya'll, it was 'close your eyes and still feel it throbbing, four years later good'....Shhhhh)... But honestly, right now, I know it's not going anywhere, but damn I can't help but hope and want, and desire for me to be the 'one.' Ya'll know the romantic side of me is writing the script...Someone save me!!!!

Coming Around

2006-09-12T18:54:00.000-05:00

I'm slowly but surely starting to come around again. It's been a long road. The break up with High School was ugly and took longer to heal from than I ever would have imagined. Sorry for the hearts I broke along the way. I just thought I was ready to move on before I really was...

In the meantime, I have began dating again. It's great to really feel comfortable in your own skin and to really understand what they mean when people say, "You must learn to love yourself." I always found it so much easier to hate everyone else. I want to tell the truth, the entire truth.

The Drama

2006-05-01T14:12:00.000-05:00

OMG!!!

High School, who I will begin calling Texus, since that's what everyone else is calling him... has either lied to me or someone else.

An Ex (of his) has discovered my page, and I guess didn't enjoy what she read. I should say that it's entirely OPTIONAL to read what lives in these pages. There is a little box with an X in it on the upper right hand corner...Click it, and it'll be much easier NOT to deal with.

In the meantime. I'm scheduled to see Texus this weekend. Not sure if I'm excited or oblivious. Either way it will be super interesting to figure out what happens between us.

Our trip to Mexico is fast approaching. I've told him that he needs to be working out every day, because his body needs to look good. I can't wait to feast on it (ie his body). I can't let the other couples going show us up! A little harmless competition! We'll be in Playa del Carmen for 5 days 4 nights. I finished shopping for everything yesterday. Now all that's left to do if pack!

His birthday is fast approaching too. We're supposed to go gambling. Not sure if that will happen because we leave that week for Mexico.

Speaking of, I skipped working out the entire week last week. So, I have so much to make up for. It's so exciting I've lost a little more than 10 pounds. My bikini's fit great, I'm so proud. I haven't lost my ass though. It's Texus favorite!

I'll have plenty of photos to show when I get back. I'm so excited!!!!

Should I Trust Him?

2006-03-28T16:45:00.000-06:00

I suppose that if I have to ask, then I already know the answer.

I've Got To Be Better To Myself

2006-03-23T13:08:00.000-06:00

Talk about neglect!

Recently I have had time to think...Unfortunately, a lot of time to think. So much is going on, but nothing is really going on. I've been cheated on, stomped on, depressed, suicidal, hopeful, hopeless, embarrassed, humiliated, spoiled, and disloyal.

More importantly, I've been all of these things to myself. I haven't written in so long, I'm not even sure of where I should begin, or where I left off. I'm just confused.

I've never been one to be embarrassed my the things that I have done, the decisions that I have made in my life. But OH MY GOD...You wouldn't believe the shit I've done to myself.

I've lied to myself. I've told myself I was happy or satisfied when I wasn't.

I've cheated myself. I've told myself that I was not deserving and satisfied with all things disatisfying.

I've humiliated myself. I've allowed myself to be put in a position where it was me or them. And I should never have allowed that to happen. There never should have been a choice. I am more deserving than that.

I've been depressed. I've allowed others to be responsible for my own happiness. It has made me miserable. It has allowed me to hurt others who are probably deserving of more. I'm apologetic for that, but more so for myself, than them. I should have done better for myself, and then I would have done better for others.

High School. God hate me or love me, but I love him...Or, hate him. I am not ready to admit to myself that I was wrong about him. I'm just not ready yet. He is still the base of all of my decisions. If I decide to do something, it is because of him, if I decide not to do something, it is because of him. I hate it. I'm completely dead with him, and I have no idea of who I am and how to live, I'm at his mercy, and he knows it. I suspect that he loves me too. I've torn down his manhood. I've treated him like a child. I've fed him what I wanted him to eat. I've paid for it, I am paying for it. It has been months since the beginning of the end and I'm still in denial. There have been times when I still hope for a reconcilliation. I am still resentful that I love him. Months and I'm still waiting for tomorrow to get here.

Munchkin is nearing six! How time flies. I'm so happy. She's so much her own person that it's scary to watch. Her own thoughts, ideas, and concepts. It's eerie! But I love watching her. I feel so lucky. I mean really blessed that anything about her comes from me, because she is so real and pure and flawless in her innocence. I am beyond proud of her. She is a Big Sister now, thanks to Toys and No One. A title that she adores!

Lil Sis of course is doing great. She'll graduate before I do, at the rate I'm going. It sucks, but I am so proud.

Big Sis is still Big Sis. And Uncle is still Uncle.

There are more names to add to the list. But, I seriously need to take baby steps. Small baby steps...In fact, I'm still crawling.

Website

2005-04-21T22:14:00.000-05:00

All About Me, Inc

It's up and running. Well, nearly up and running. I'm still adding content. However, that should not prevent you from checking it out and letting me know what you think!

Thanks for the support!

New Website

2005-04-06T22:03:00.000-05:00

I was so jealous of Gabby and Yolonda that I had to go out and get one of my own. Yep, ya'll witches put the pressure on me, and I've submitted to the pressure. So, I wanted to keep it all about me, and at the same time incorporate my business into it as well.

My business name is All About Me, Inc. And the new website is www.allaboutmeinc.net. Now, I have yet to get the site designed, and this doing it myself shit is NOT working. So, yes, I'm open to suggestions, but I must warn you, I'm cheap. I took a class on web design about 7 years ago but it has not helped me in trying to get this site together. So, if you go to the site, don't expect to see anything there for a while. However let me share what my idea is about the site.

As I've mentioned before, I am a Pure Romance consultant. What can I say, sex sells, and I'm my own valued customer. Pure Romance allows me to sell sex to folks, but more importantly, it allows me to voice my 'experience' and opinion about the when's, what's, where's, why's, how's, who's, and "What the fuck's" about sex to all those naive and/or shy folks out there. So many people experience shame or embarrassment when it comes to what it takes to please themselves as well as their partners, and I find that ridiculous. If you're going to have sex, then why not at the least enjoy it? Why not figure out what it is that makes you reach that point in ecstasy where death even seems appealing if the reward was just as exhilarating? Well, so many people are 'doing it' just to be 'doing it' and I suppose my goal is to help them 'do it' to 'reach it.' And Pure Romance allows me to educate and offer solutions to those in need of a little guidance.

So, back to the website...

It will feature "It's All About Me" the blog

It will feature an Advice column, where questions, concerns, and suggestions on relationships, love, romance, and sex can be asked and answered. I will also allow guest 'advisors' to offer their input as well.

It will feature my Pure Romance products, by All About Me, Inc.

It will have a Photos Section. No worry, I won't put a pic up of my new ring!

It will also feature a News section that will allow me to vent about my issues with society (such as "Didn't it take the Pope a long ass time to die?")...Just Kidding...

It will feature Information on sex, love, romance, relationships, etc. that are not covered in all of the other categories.

It will feature anything else I feel like putting in there.

So, hopefully that will keep all of you guys interested and excited, and I suppose that since I'm paying for it every month, that I will actually update it on a constant basis YOLONDA!!!

So, as soon as I get some template designs created, I'll add content to the site. Until then, stay tuned to It's All About Me, because it is my baby, and I will not get rid of it.

Also, if anyone wants a one on one consultation or would like to host a Pure Romance Sex Party, Send me an email. I'm available to travel between Austin, Dallas, and Houston.

Hanging Out

2005-04-03T22:17:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I took the Munchkin to The Houston Children's Festival. There were plenty of activities and the weather was wonderful. I went with Caramel, which I'm sure I've mentioned. She and I know each other through my brother. She watches Munchkin for me, and I'll watch her son for her on ocassion. Anyway, the kids got to swim in a blow up pool which was about three feet deep and ten feet long, and the pool was filled with bubbles. Soap sud looking bubbles. Anyway, it envoked a new fantasy for me, and I'm quite aroused everytime I think of it. So, back to Parents/Guardians Suggested. I stood in a line for an hour and a half so that the kids could get pictures with Spongebob and Dora the Explorer. I stood in line so long that I got a damn tan...On my back!!! It would have been a nice tan, if it were all over.

Than night Caramel and I decided to go out for some fun. Since she's married, and I'm confused, we made a good package. We went to The Sky Bar. Ohhh and Yolanda, I really miss the one in ATL...But the one here was actually pretty entertaining. There was a live band, who weren't the greatest, but who were very entertaining. Caramel and I shared Butter nipple shots, and enjoyed the scene. We made it out to the dance floor without being harrassed. And we left the club with a feeling of "Wow, that was nice. We'll have to do that again sometime." And meaning it.

It felt so good to get out and be a grown up. However, I must admit that I did managed to go out a few times on my recent trip back home. As a matter of fact, I don't think I spent anytime at my Mom's, and I didn't get to see all of the people who were on my "People to See" List.

Friday I went with my mom and other family members to this nice little restaurant in Uptown Dallas. It was across from Il Sole, which I'm dying to try. I believe it's a greek restaurant which means they're bound to have rack of lamb. Anyway, the place I went to, was across the steet from there. Can't remember the name, but they had good sushi and WONDERFUL creme brulee, I'm making a trip back home soon, just to visit there again. Not to mention that the band was very nice. My mom was all over the floor, and the White people really get crazy around there.

I also went to "Spanky's" with Penny's and Kelpur. That is an interesting place, is all I'm going to say about that. So, I guess I've been hanging out pretty tough. Considering the last time I had even been in a club, I left within an hour of getting there, and it was well over a year ago.

Clubs are no longer my thing. I think I'm going to try hanging out in jazz bars or restaurants. Or any place that has great butter nipple shots.

So sorry to Hunt, who I really wanted to have lunch with.

Sorry to Q who I really wanted to see his newborn son (born on Easter).

Sorry to Gab, who so understands my priorities (did I say three times???)

Sorry to everyone else who I failed to call or catch up with!

Oh, and speaking of hanging out...Check out the guy in blue from Indiana State. This has got to be embarrassing.

I tell Lil Sis all of the time, to make sure she is careful with her uniforms. Thank God High School isn't showing his goodies off with this impossible mistake.

An Artist's Touch

2005-04-03T22:15:00.000-05:00

I have a question!!!!

What happens after a fantasy is fulfilled?

Do you enhance the details for the next visit?

Do you dismiss it when you're disappointed by the results?

Or, do you just dream on?

Plenty To Say, No Desire To Say It

2005-04-03T21:24:00.000-05:00

I've been encouraged by a few friends to begin updating again. And well, I'll agree that it's about time that I've done so. First of all, my lack of writing does not indicate a lack of excitement in my life. As a matter of fact, since there is so much going on, I seem to have little time on my hands to share my thoughts with the likes of you all.

So a run down of What's Been Going On with Christany...

Munchkin found out that she has a little brother on the way and she's escatic!

NikNik is getting married in July!

My Uncle is getting married next year!

I'm not anywhere near getting married!

Spring Semester is nearly over!

I've quit my job!

I'm Getting Another Job!

I've visted Austin and I'm very satisfied with the results!

And, that's about it, I guess...

Oh yeah, I got my clit pierced!!!

I was under the influence of....peer pressure. But let me just say that my piercing has given me a new lease on life. Yeah, I just can't resist driving with the windows down with my legs spread apart, allowing the wind to 'tickle my fancy.' It's also a pleasure to lift my leg up and allow the warm water to trickle between my thighs when I'm in the shower. Oh, and to go without panties on when I'm making a short trip to the grocery store. And I actually don't mind driving so much anymore in Houston. Don't get me wrong, the traffic still sucks. But the potholes, let's just say it's so much more exciting to hit them nowadays.

And no, it didn't hurt. Considering that I'm such a sissy, this wasn't pain, it was shock. It felt like someone had pinched me and then twisted the skin, but quickly let it go. The piercing was done before I could change my mind about it. It took it a about 7 to 10 days to heal, and now it's perfectly fine. It's a great accessory.

Now for my absence. And I know I once said I wouldn't offer any more excuses. But, at least I can say, "Sorry!!!" I'm going to get better. Stay motivated, all that good stuff. We'll see what happens...

Happy Fucking Valentine's Day!!!

2005-02-22T09:08:00.000-06:00

I know I haven't posted and so what!!!!

So, I'll try and catch everyone up as briefly as possible.

School has been kicking my ass. If there's not some test to study for, there's some issue to worry about, so to sum it all up in one word...STRESS

I got the job with Penske. I work a really rough schedule. Well, not rough, but there's no 'Me' time anymore.

I found a babysitter for Munchkin which is way too expensive but what can I do?

I signed up to sell sex products with Pure Romance. I had a great party on Saturday and I'm actually looking forward to what's to come next with it.

I went to Florida on a whim last weekend. Needed to wrap up some unfinished business and mission was accomplished.

I returned home on Valentine's Day only to get a call from No One...Munchkin's dad.

He said, "I needed to talk to you about something important. I asked that he call me back in five minutes, thinking that it couldn't be that damn important. He usually doesn't call me back, and ten minutes later when he did call back, I had forgotten that he had even called in the first place.

And so the conversation begun..."Toy's pregnant." My first reaction was one of laughter, like, "You're kidding right?" Then I had to put some humor in it, because my ass was still shocked. I said, "If you wanted to have another child, you should have made an appointment. You didn't have to go out and get some girl pregnant like that." Then after the mood was lightened a little. I said, "Congratulations, do you know what you're having?" A boy. Due June 11th (a Gemini just like his father, I'd hate to live in that household). Anyway, June 11th...(counting on my fingers)That's one...two...six...seven...ten...eleven...Thirteen days before Munchkin's birthday...Great fucking timing, what the hell is it about October that makes people produce kids? So, I'm thinking, she's at the least four, five months pregnant, they know it's a boy, and he even volunteered the little bastards name to me...They had to know about this shit for a while. He says two weeks, I say what the fuck ever.

So, Munchkin was on her way in from hanging out with Carmel, who I'll explain momentarily. And since, I hadn't seen her for the entire weekend, I got off the phone with her father and greeted my daughter.

Carmel is a friend of the family. We've known her for over ten years, and it just recently clicked that she lives in Houston. So, when I impulsively went to Florida, Carmel volunteered to watch Munchkin for me. My brother and Carmel are good friends so he came up for the weekend and helped watch Munchkin. No One, Munchkin's dad, declined to come to Houston on a free trip to see his daughter. I even volunteered to change my sheets and let he and Toy sleep in my bed, lol...Anyway, he said No...after all it was Valentine's weekend.

So after getting off of the phone with him, Carmel asked me, "Was that No One?" Yep, it sure was, and I shared his great news. She said, I told your brother that it was strange that No One didn't come down here to spend some time with Munchkin. How's your brother so anxious to see her and her dad isn't?

Well, I'm not sure that it was excitement or not. But what I do know is that No One under any circumstances that I have ever encountered with him, has never turned down an opportunity (especially a free one) to come to see his daughter, or for me to take his daughter to him. So I find it fucked up that with the news of Toy being pregnant he couldn't make a trip here to see and even tell his daughter about her new baby brother.

So, later that evening I knew I'd have to call him back, but before I did, I had to sit down and really determine what my true emotions were.

First, did I care that he was having another baby?
No, that didn't bother me. It worried me.
I was worried about where it would put Munchkin on his list of priorities, especially with her living in a different city. He does not pay child support as it is. He does not see her often as it is. I've worked so hard to maintain a decent relationship with him for the sake of my daughter, my brother, my family, and hell I'm going to throw 'my image' in there too. I didn't want to be the typical baby mama. I'm worried about the changes my daughter is going to go through. I'm worried that he's going to focus on her even less, and that she's going to hurt and feel neglected. So often the first born is left out, when a new family is started, and I worry so much that Munchkin's going to feel neglected. How do I answer the questions she's going to ask. Because she's going to ask me and not her dad. But when she wants to know, "How come my brother gets to stay with my dad and I don't?" or "Why can't I stay with my daddy and my brother?" I'm so damn worried about what pain he's introduced into my life. Call me selfish, but I don't care. If it were me pregnant, then Munchkin would be a big part of that new life. Since it's her father and another woman, I have no idea of what's in store for us.

I believe initially Munchkin will handle it very well. She's often asked for a baby brother or sister. In fact, if jealousy is at all involved, I'm jealous that he could give it to her first. But Munchkin will be a great big sister. But I'm concerned about her feelings of being a Big Sister on a part time basis. I'm worried that she'll lose the connection with her father when her dad has his "Son."

I may be making this more than what it is, but I haven't been here before. I didn't got though this with my own family. I don't have any experience or any clue of how to support my daughter through these stages of life.

I told her father that he needed to tell her in person, and Toy should be present when he does so. I told him that he needs to come to Houston to tell her. Because if this is her foundation, her home, then I don't want to keep letting her 'visit' his life, it's time he and even Toy made the effort to visit her life here. Plus, I'm tired of funding free trips to Dallas for him to see his daughter, when he had the opportunity to see her for free here in Houston and he declined since it was Valentine's weekend. That man doesn't even celebrate holidays. Anyway, I also told him that I'm worried that he will not financially support Munchkin even more so now. I asked him how he planned to take care of a son when his daughter was so often neglected financially from him.

His response????

"My son is set for life." This is Toy's first child, and she has a mother who is 'financially stable.' His son won't be hurting for any shoes or clothes for school. Any glasses, or costs of daycare. No One did it again. He got someone pregnant with the drive and determination to do it all on their own if need be. We've got to commend him for that.

He says that even more so now, he has to get out there and work, put the music on hold so that he can take care of his family. Which, maybe I'm being sensitive here, but that pissed me off too. So all of a sudden now, he's got the drive and determination to work and take care of his family because he has a son on the way. Hell, Munchkin needed him two years ago and he wouldn't go out and get a job. I struggle everyday trying to better myself by going to school. Taking care of Munchkin. Worrying about whether or not I'm doing it right. And he's constantly being giving the 'get out of jail free' card. FREE. His fatherhood to Munchkin has been without sacrafice. It's been free.

It frustrates me to the fullest that it would take him having another child in order to take care of his first one. In a sense, why should I care, as long as it gets done, right? I guess so. But it isn't just about helping me take care of Munchkin financially that I'm concerned about right now. It's taking care of her emotionally that I'm afraid of. I've been taking care of Munchkin since she was born. I worked up until the day I went into labor. I went to work three months after she left the hospital. I've been doing it all of this time, I can keep doing it now. That will NEVER change.

What scares me, is not being able to satisfy her emotional needs. Not having answers to her questions. Not being able to comfort her with a trip to the toy store or an evening at home watching movies together. I'm worried about the possibilities of her reaction over time. It's easier said than done to worry about the issues when they get here. I need to prepare myself in advance. So that I'm not sitting in front of her as confused as she is when she begins to wonder why.

Valentine's day is always hard for me. It's the day I celebrate the birthday of the child I lost. No One knows this. It baffles me of why he'd call me on that day to celebrate the news of a child he's gained.

Everything Falls Into Place

2005-02-02T09:23:00.000-06:00

This weekend was a nice one for the Munchkin and I.

Friday, we stayed inside watched some kid movies, and had caramel popcorn.

I woke up early Saturday and had a workout cleaning up the house. Then Munchkin and I got bathed and dressed, prepared to go to my fav store (IKEA). But Lil Sis called to let me know that her track meet was that morning, so instead we went to cheer her on, and that girl still amazes me with her speed and talent.

Saturday evening, I played gin on the internet, which I've become addicted to. Munchkin played close by me, and eventually we both fell asleep in the living room.

Sunday we got up early again. I was determined to make it to IKEA. Which I did. Dora the Explorer was there, and Munchkin got to take pictures with Boots and Dora. It was a "Safety Awareness" Weekend. So she got to get inside the fire truck and police car/motorcycle. We got lots of free stuff. Then we went shopping, and I bought a plant that I hope that I don't murder.

So far this week has been great to me. We had an eventful weekend and then we found a babysitter. Now I just have to get the job.

Yesterday I was riding the shuttle and found a girls purse. I tried to turn it in to the shuttle driver who refused to take it. I then went home, went through the purse and found a card to a professor at the University. So I called the professor, left my number and the girl returned my call. She came over to pick it up yesterday. It was a nice Prada purse, and let me tell you it was tempting to keep it. However, I know how hard it is to lose your credit cards and driver's license (I've been there before), so I put all evil thoughts behind me.

Anyway, she was a White girl from South Africa. She's a senior with a major in Asian Studies. She's getting married to a Chinese man in four weeks. I thought, "How diverse is that?" She seems really nice, and offered to 'send me flowers.' No thanks to that, but I said she could save my phone number and call me from time to time if she ever goes out or knows about any events I might be interested in attending. She attends these networking events and I'm all up for that.

I've been talking to the guy who drew the cartoon pic of Munchkin and I on the night of my birthday dinner. I've decided to call him "Artist" and as I've told Gabby, he's dangerously attractive and magnetic. I guess there's nothing wrong with a little competition. Especially since High School's so competitive...

Anyway, part of the appeal to Artist is that he is...An Artist...

Christany:Yeah, the more and more I think about it, the more I realize that it's really a sexual attraction I have to him.
LMB : Really?
Christany: I think it's the whole exotic thing.
Christany: The dreads, the artist, tall, slim, those hands...
Christany: Wondering if they'll be as good over my body as they are when he's painting.

*sigh*
I'm so bad...And as I told Gabby, this would make a nice story...

Why Is Everything So Complicated?

2005-01-27T16:38:00.000-06:00

I've somewhat settled down into a routine when lo and behold shit starts happening. My unemployment stopped, so now it's time to go to work. At first I was nervous. I wanted something part time, but I didn't want to be taking orders at the local fast food joint. And I didn't want to trade in my daily wardrobe of jeans and t-shirts for attire that's more sophisticated and completely uncomfortable.

So, I had two interviews scheduled in one day. I went to both of them in high doubtful spirits. I thought, it's a good thing I'm not desperate...Yet, and it's also good to get out here and start early. Anything can happen right?

Yep, anything happened. The first interview was at Penske. You know the yellow trucks? Well, I was interviewed by a 'married' Black guy. Which means he's totally off limits. Not that he was attractive, but of course I felt a little bit more comfortable when I realized I wouldn't be the only one of 'me' there. Anyway, the interview went well. I expertly answered his questions. I'm the queen of interviewing. Making promises, I don't intend to keep. "Sure I'll smile and clean up the bathroom." And after I get the job, "You want me to do what??? Where is this in my job description?" So anyway, he was impressed, and I left Penske knowing I'd get a call back. I then went on to my next interview which was for a secretary for a man who owns his own real estate company. He works out of his home office. Lives pretty close to me and he was a very attractive and appealing man. I can't imagine working next to him everyday. Especially out of his home. I'd imagine what the rest of his house looked like, especially his bedroom. Then my mind might get to wondering what his bed would look like with me in it. *sigh*

Anyway, so here goes my choices. Work for the Penske, and get back into the "corporate world." BTW...Penske is owned by NBC which is a Fortune 10 company. The guy said that I could work for them part time, and when I finish my degree I could go directly over to NBC as an internal employee, which would be so nice. But am I ready for that type of commitment? Part of the reason I came to Houston was to concentrate on school and get away from the politics of "corporate America."

Then I could go to work for the other guy, which is less money, but with the potential to make $500 off of every deal he closes. AND, it would allow me not to get back into the politics of a real business, but I'm attracted to him. No doubt attracted to him. Oh well, What Would High School Do....If he only knew...

Anyway, I did tell High School about it, and needless to say which job he told me to take. I ought to not listen out of spite...

Now the real problem all lies with the Munchkin. She's out of school at 3pm every day. I would need someone to watch her from 3pm until after 6pm, and then again on the weekends. So today I went Babysitter shopping, and came home with no bags. I can't find an affordable babysitter for nothing!!! I never imagined that it would be this difficult.

So, what to do? Take the job in the corporate setting, cross my fingers and hope that a babysitter pops up. The job will put my foot in the door to a major corporation which is where I want to be and need to be for internships and so forth when getting my degree. In the long run the job could really help me out. Also, I would be working with a Black supervisor, who seems like the fatherly type who will look out for me and so forth. He's willing to work around my school schedule and keep me in mind for opportunities for advancement.

Or take the office job with the tempting boss, hoping that this isn't some guy making a few extra bucks out of his house and that he's legit. He could just be some guy that looks good on the outside. BTW he is firing someone to hire me. Someone who has been working with him for over a year. He's sick of "Her." I wonder if there might have been a relationship in there somewhere, and hell she may be vengeful and take it out on me. After all, she does know where he works...And lives. However, he offers a flexible enough schedule where I would be able to care for Munchkin without a babysitter. And with a babysitter comes babysitter expenses. Although the sexy boss does pay less per hour, there could be other bonuses as well...I mean the financial bonuses...

Decisions and complications. I guess that's why they call it life.

Life Starts Living Again

2005-01-20T18:12:00.000-06:00

Monday evening I said goodbye to my cousin, Big Sis and her not so ex boyfriend, with a secret smile on my face. The entire family was here for the weekend and I was glad to see them go. You would not believe the amount of toilet paper, fresh clean towels, and plastic cups we went through in just 3 and 1/2 days!!! If they didn't leave when they did I would have buried myself behind the boxes still in my closet
(from the move to Houston from Dallas), and not have come out until the Munchkin assured me the coast was clear. There were twenty people here... Uncle came down with No One (Munchkin's dad), and my two cousins Ton and Son. My two cousins came in along with my mom and Big Man. Big Sis had her not so ex boyfriend tag along and Penny's came in with her niece. Sharing my home with all my loved ones was nice, but watching them leave was refreshing.

But who am I kidding, really??? Not anyone who knows me well enough. Here I am being honest again.

In actuality, I loved the attention I got from everyone this weekend. It reminded me of the strong bonds we share even when I'm not so happy with some of them. Of course my mom made me happy when she covered my bill at dinner on Saturday night. I suppose that makes up for my anger with her over the Christmas break. And since I'm being honest. I owe my Mother an apology too. Sorry Granny...

Friday everyone arrived and helped deliver in my new furniture. I am not sure of how I feel about it yet. It looks nice I suppose, but it doesn't wow me when I walk into my home. Hmmm...

Saturday we went to Lil Sis's track meet, which she did well in. Not to brag or anything, but anything less than well would have left the family disappointed and we were confident that we would not be disappointed. I believe it was Penny's first track meet, and for Newbies, it can be quite boring, but she faired well.

Lil Sis only competed in two events. The hurdles which she placed a very hush hush sixth place in. In her defense I will offer the explanation of this being her first time running this event since high school, so we were still impressed...At least as far as I can remember it is...

Lil Sis took first place in triple jump however, just one centimeter from qualifying to go to NC's which is like the Olympics for college students. However, this tells us that her first track meet coming out that she will do much better in the ones to follow. I'm so proud of her accomplishments and irritated with the little bitch to the same degree.

Yes, I called my Lil Sis, who I love and adore with truly all of my heart, A LITTLE BITCH!!! She has been the most selfish, ungrateful, take for granted, forgetful of family, insensitive, unyielding....Yet Beautiful... BITCH for the past few months. Honestly, sometimes I wonder if my relationship with her is not ruined beyond repair. Sometimes I wonder if I love her too much. My heart aches when I think she's in pain, and I feel so damn protective of her. I wouldn't be surprised if her description of me contained a few foul names as well.

I miss the closeness that we used to share. A big part of me thought that even though I was looking for a new beginning here in Houston, that I was flying to her rescue. It was a slap in the face when I realized that she didn't need me anymore, and it's hard to not be needed by someone who you love so much and thought you knew so well. I feel so rejected my Lil Sis that I find myself getting frustrated at the sound of her name. Everything she does seems to have a private agenda attached to her, and only one that benefits her. I believe that she's digging herself into a whole, and I want so badly to grab a shovel and start pulling her out. But I'm learning the hard way that even my best intentions are not welcomed.

Lil Sis is buying a house with her boyfriend who I've from time to time referred to as TSU, because that is where he attends school. Yep Lil Sis who hasn't hit drinking age yet, is buying a house that is well over $200k. Her logic??? It will help build her credit up...As will various credit cards, school loans, car loans, etc. But at least a 30 year commitment with a man from day to day she can't decide if she likes??? One day she likes, the next day she can't stand him. One day she wants him and the next day she wants whatever guy that chooses to give her a small amount of attention. And then here goes Big Sis (I'm referring to myself here), wanting to feed her with a few words of wisdom. And since I am (in her opinion) not qualified to express myself or to know what's really going on, it must be jealousy. Now, with being honest with myself, I had to ask, "Christany are you really jealous?" And after thinking about this for a few days, my answer is no. Nope, it isn't jealousy I feel. Hell, if my sister can afford a house that expensive, and continue her education, and continue her track career, why would I have a problem with that? I want her to have better things than I have myself...BUT...I do not believe that it is a health situation for her and TSU. You see, TSU is what I'd call Needy and Over-Emotionally connected. In other words, he's clingy...Not healthy. As my mother said, "TSU has full stalking capabilities and potential." Hmmm...

At first, I disliked TSU, then I liked him, and then I didn't and then I did, and well, you get the picture. Later I realized that it was not that I disliked him, just that I despised what I saw in him. He was weak. I hate weak men. Lil Sis could walk all over him, and deep inside, I think that she hated that she could, and grew to mistreat him more, possibly secretly hoping that he'd get a grip and stand up for himself. And TSU has stood up for himself on very rare occasions. But then he always relapses and begs Lil Sis not to leave him. He even calls my mom to ask her for advice and guidance. Now that was ultimate for me. I'll be damned if High School picks up the phone and asks my mother to talk to me. You're the man, you take care of your household...Anyway, Lil Sis has mistreated poor TSU in so many ways that I felt so sympathetic towards his pathetic and small existence. Which only led me to dislike him even more...He can not stand up for himself and my mom described his love for Lil Sis as "You can hurt me all you want to, but just let me stay with you." She said that when you love someone so much that you will keep accepting the pain, hoping that it won't come any longer, but knowing that it will, and yet you still desire to be with that person despite all of the hurt and pain that person causes you, that it is the most desperate and dangerous kind of love. I agree. But when my mom said the words to me, I thought about how those words might apply to my own relationship, and I flushed with embarrassment that thankfully went unnoticed by my mother. Is that the way I love High School? It seems to me sometimes that I love him beyond any pain he can cause me, and of course that isn't healthy. So could my frustrations with TSU be because he showed me a glimpse of my own weakness in love? Coming to terms with that allowed me to understand TSU a little bit better, but also allowed me to resent Lil Sis a little bit more. She has gone as far as to say she's slept with three different men while in her relationship with TSU. I said to TSU that when someone admits to cheating on you without the slightest bit of remorse, it is not a confession based off of guilt. It seems that the confession is meant to hurt you even more. Had TSU left Lil Sis alone after her confession, I'm sure Lil Sis would have been kissing his feet asking for forgiveness. However, because he says, "I'll stay with you, just don't do it again." She loses even more respect for him and the game she's playing will only get worse. But that's just my personal opinion.

As my mother said. What she does now, will haunt her down when she falls in love. And that pain is what I yearn to protect her from. Her ignorance will be her demise. I fear that she will realize what she's done after it is too late, and even though I know that it is her life, and that she must live it, I find it so hard to stand by and watch someone just fuck up. Her future could be filled with deserved pain and I suppose I should stand by and wait for the lesson to be learned...

Happy Birthday To Me!!!

2005-01-17T21:33:00.000-06:00

I'm not even going to attempt at a list of excuses for my absence. Quite frankly, I have none. I just haven't felt like it. Sometimes I guess even I need some privacy. Who would have thought???

Here it is just a few short hours before my 26th birthday and it comes without the same dread that my 25th birthday encountered.

It has been a helluva year!!! Lots of changes in my life. I failed to give the recap of my year as I did last year around New Years. Explaining what I've learned and how I hope to grow in the new year. I'd like to that sometime soon, but no pressure, and no personal deadlines on when that will get done.

One thing that I will share is that 2005 for me is going to be all about....Truth. Ya'll thought I was going to say about me huh? Well, it is still all about me, but it's going to be more about being honest with myself. Sometimes I hesitate to be truthful to others. I say what I 'think' without expressing what I'm really "Thinking." I'm sure ya'll have all been there. Pacifying your friends and family or even strangers with what they want to hear or what they think they need to hear, as opposed to telling the truth. For me this year is not going to be about salvaging relationships at the sake of my own truth. It's going to be about being honest with myself and with perseverance and strength by my side, being honest with others. I am sure my family will have to be referred to my disclosure several time this year...

What led me to this new truth? Hmm...Munchkin asked me if I were happy. High School asked me if I truly loved him. Granny accused me of being too proud. Uncle said I was mean. Big Sis called me Bi Polar, lol...Or at the least I have multiple personalities. She then changed it to mood swings (At least it didn't progress in the reverse). Lil Sis said I was Eva from the film Deliver Us From Eva (Well at least I get L. L. Cool J). Big Man pointed out to me that a "Thank You" every now and then would be appreciated. And after listening to all of this, and while being truthful with myself, I thought, "Hmmm, maybe." okay, I'll be honest, "Hmmm, MAYBE."

When sitting alone, I went through some old photos. Let me tell you, there were so many memories as I scanned through those photos. There were some from every birthday party that I've had in the past five years or so. As I glanced over each photograph, I thought to myself, "I look so happy in these photos." My smile was big and confident. My eyes were proud and full of life. My poses were candid and real. My laughter was genuine and strong. My family and friends were always all around me in the photographs. We really seemed full of life. But more importantly, the pictures showed a part of me that maybe I had forgotten. Those photos reminded me of a time when I loved my life and I loved myself.

If I were to ask myself right now if I love myself, of course the answer would be an automatic yes. Actually, more of a hell yeah!!!! But to ask myself if I love my life, I could not answer that question with a yes, without telling a lie.

I'm doing everything right. I'm in school, taking care of my Munchkin, standing on my own two feet, having fun, yet staying focused. Any person who looks at me will see a woman who is strong and determined, organized and flexible, hard-working and still able to find laughter in life, and well, in seeing that woman, they think they see love for what she's doing and for her life. And while I do love all that I've accomplished, I'm not satisfied with the way that I'm living my life. I focus so hard on ignoring myself that even I forget how miserable I am. My body has noticed the difference in me, my conscience has certainly paid close attention, I'm certain that my thoughts have wondered why they haven't been put into words, and brought to life on paper. It's not that I don't have anything to say, there is plenty to talk about. It is that my desire to share, to express, to communicate has diminished, and there seems to be no love left to explore life with.

While being honest with myself, I have to admit that I need help. That I need to learn how to love my life more, my self more, and maybe even love High School a little bit less. While being honest with myself I have to learn to remember what I'm doing here in Houston, and to love the opportunity that I have, and to take full advantage of it. While being honest with myself, I have to learn to appreciate and not take advantage of my friends and my family, my sisters and my mother.

I want this year to be a period of discovery. I want this birthday to be a Re Birth Day. I want to face some of my fears, peel away at some of my fears, and be honest with myself as I'm doing so. I want to discover who I am, and if I'm any of the things that the most important people in my life have said I am, I want to face that, and make changes where possible.

I said something to Penny's the other day that I should have said out loud to myself. A quote from Uncle as a matter of fact, "THERE IS NO SHAME IN TRUTH." And while I peel away all of the dirt and the lies, the bad and the ugly, I am setting myself free, and learning how to love what is real.

I believe that High School knows me better than I know myself, and there once was a time when I found that amusing and comforting. Now I feel as if no one should know me better than myself, but myself. In the past few weeks I've learned more about myself than I've learned the entire year, just by being honest and truthful with myself.

So, in order to heal whatever is wrong, because I have not quite figure what that is yet, I at the very least, must be honest and truthful, and trusting with and to myself.

This year, I'm not worried about getting old(er). I'm not stressing over my accomplishments and failures. I'm not focusing on what everyone else is thinking. I'm not interested in trying to please all of those around me at the sacrifice of myself. I'm not ignoring ME. Birthdays are about celebrating life. Being grateful that you are alive to see another year. So, I'm thinking that maybe, just maybe, I should start focusing on living.

Happy Birthday to me,
Happy Birthday to me,
Happy Birthday to meeee...
Happy Birthday tooo Me....

Not So Perfect Vision

2004-12-25T01:02:00.000-06:00

Wow, no matter how much I promise, I can not seem to keep focused, and continue updating my blog on a regular basis. Hell, when I went to school under more stressful conditions and worked, I updated more often. Oh well...

What's been going on???

Nada, nope, nothing, not a thing going on my way. Well, there is, but not much to brag about.

Munchkin drove me crazy the couple of weeks between the end of Thanksgiving break and the beginning of Christmas. So much so that I decided that I didn't want to see her until Christmas Eve when I dropped her off at her father's last Thursday. Yes, I've been back home since Thursday and I have neglected my friends for more than a week now. Keeping to myself and my family, and well, lots of time to think.

I would have been true to my word and not taken the time to see Munchkin, but she had a doctor's appointment to get her eyes checked. Her dad tagged along and I'm glad he did. As it turns out, our youngin can't see. She has terrible vision and she'll have to wear glasses for the next few years until her vision is better. Poor child. She has a severe stigma over her eyes. So severe that the lenses on her glasses will be very thick. But because I was predicted to go blind by the age twelve and I was teased for my lazy eye and the patch I had to wear over it way back in my glasses wearing days, I scraped up the extra $82 it took to get her the regular sized lenses with the scratch resistance on it. I could have gone the cheap route which is more convenient and even cost efficient considering that since this is her first pair, they are bound to get lost or broken. However, I could not allow my child to go to school teased to the tenth degree because her glasses are thicker than her naturally curly locks. Nope, couldn't allow her self esteem to be trampled on by all the 20/20 kids at her school, so I spent the extra few dollars and got her what I would have wanted if I had the choice when I was her age.

When Munchkin was picking out her frames, I tried to sneak in a comment about school...

"Munchkin, I can't wait to see you in your glasses, you'll look so cute in them..."

Smiles from Munchkin...

"And I know you can't wait to show Ms. Robin and all the kids in your class..."

Smiles, even giggles from the Munchkin, and then she exclaims...

"Silly Mommy, I can't wear these glasses to school."

I did not quite fake a look of surprise, and I look devilishly innocent as I ask...

"Why not?"

She puts on her 'How-do-I-explain-this' face on and says...

"Because everyone will laugh at me."

I turn away to conceal my giggles, because it WAS funny, and because I was actually close to tears.

I understand what it is like to go to school and be teased horrendously by kids who think they are better than you because their physical characteristics are socially accepted.

When I left the doctor's office, and dropped Munchkin back off at her dad's (because regardless of the bad news about her vision I still didn't want to see Munchkin until Christmas Eve, after she had fallen asleep for the night), I thought to myself, This is going to be hell...

O' Christmas Tree

2004-12-07T23:20:00.000-06:00

Lil Sis went to Big Lots and got us a six foot $10 tree. It's more of a four and a half foot branch with twigs on it. But hell, since pay day is not until January, we decided we'd have to make it do. And that's exactly what we've done.

We went to my favorite store IKEA and got some silver bulbs and a white furry star to go on top, then we bought some cheaper silver bulbs from Big Lots along with these lights shapped like flowers. They are green with a touch of red and white in them. Yesterday I went to CVS Pharmacy and bought some candy canes and red and white lights to complete our cheap decorations. The end result is actually quite nice. Of course I'll have to take pictures. It's the first Christmas tree that Munchkin and I have decorated together with just she and I, instead of over at her Granny's house. I bought some wrapping paper and wrapped up the few number of gifts (all six of them) that are here instead of at Granny's house. And I must say that I'm proud of Munchkin's and my accomplishment. It doesn't look like a twig anymore.

I also got Munchkin an advent calendar. Growing up in Germany the advent calendars were pretty popular and often really extravagant. Basically all an advent calendar is is a box with the days of December on it. Usually only going up to Christmas Eve or Day. They have little tabs with the different numbers on it, and when the 1st gets here you open the number one tab, the 2nd, the number two tab, and etc. Behind each tab is a treat, usually a piece of chocolate. Or in the more extravagant ones, a small gift or token. So each day the child gets a treat. And in many calendars there's a lesson to be learned behind the tab and candy. If anyone of you saw "Bad Santa" then you should be pretty familiar with what an Advent Calendar is.

I passed on the religious calendar, because quite honestly, I'm not sure which route I'm going to take with Munchkin as far as religion is concerned. I want her to guide her, but I don't want to influence her choices one way or another.

With her father, he'd have a fit to know that Munchkin actually helped decorate a tree, celebrating in such a Pagan festivity...How could I allow her to participate in my own self destructive worshipping? LOL...But that's her father, and he has a right to decide what type of religious beliefs are set in his child. And since I'm not of any declared religion, it's hard for me to fight him off with my own ideas...Since I don't have very many of them.

Don't get me wrong, Munchkin attends a private Christian school, I keep a Bible in my home that I look at every so often. Not to make excuses or supply reasons for my decisions, but I find that a lack of religion in someone's life is like displaying the scarlet letter, only far more worse.

I don't have a lack of faith, just a lack of tolerance for the "I'm going and you're not" attitudes I find in the few Churches I've visited and with the numerous Christians I've met. Sure, I pray, and yeah, I believe, I just don't believe I have to follow someone's rule book in order to reach the gates of heaven. Hell, if I heard it correctly we're all doomed. Okay, I may be pushing a few buttons, so moving on...

I've thought about what Christmas means to my family and I, and it pretty much has been dedicated as a "Family Day" for us. A day that we exchange material tokens of affection. Sure we express our love for each other throughout the year in many ways. Sure we support each other, and lend out a hand when we can throughout the year. And yes, when we have the money for it, and we're out shopping and see something that we know someone's gotta have or would love, we purchase it for them. But December is the one month when we all get together, as a family and exchange a few smiles, lots of laughter, a bunch of love, and of course, a few gifts. Because of that, I was thinking, Maybe next year, I'll pull out this branch with a few twigs on it, especially since Lil Sis bought it for Munchkin and I because she knew it was something I'd like to have, and I'm thinking we'll busy some little frames from Hobby Lobby or some arts and crafts store, paint them up with lots of colors, and place pictures of the entire family in them. We'll make it our family tree...Literally, and when December 25th rolls around next year, our family holiday will fit right in with those Pagan traditions.

Help!!! Ideas Needed!

2004-12-07T22:51:00.000-06:00

It's Christmas time and I've been doing all that I can to get into the spirit. Whatever that's supposed to mean...My most recent interpretation of 'getting into the spirit of the season,' means shopping. And I've done lots of it.

I budgeted a whooping $500 for Christmas, and I spent over $600 and I still haven't bought anything for the most important person on my list something...My Mom (Don't worry, Munchkin's beyond taken care of).

Yeah, I'm broke as hell now, not sure what I spent my money on...But I am expecting a bunch of rebates in the mail...LOL...

I have this thing about buying everyone in the immediate family two gifts. A main gift and a stocking stuffer type gift. Munchkin and High School are exempt from this rule. Which means I spend even more money.

However, at this point, even though I've managed to buy all the other people in my family their two gifts, I have yet to get my Dear Mother her first one. And not only that. I'm at a complete lost on what I should get her. I don't want it to be the typical non-meaningful gift. But I'm running out of time. I need ideas of what I should get a woman who pretty much has everything she needs or wants. Something meaningful and thoughtful...Any ideas???

Discussion 53 Toying With The Idea of Marriage...

2004-12-07T21:21:00.000-06:00

High School and I have discussed marriage. We even went to look at engagement rings. We've talked about the number of children that we both desire, and about our hopeful family structure. We have never seriously discussed the details of a wedding or the long-term results that a marriage would bring. It just hasn't got that 'close' or 'complicated' as of yet.

In my previous relationships, marriage was never really an object or a hopeful. I will sheepishly admit that High School is the only person that I've ever really desired to be with for the rest of my life. Yes he has me like that and beyond.

Of course I've sat back and daydreamed about what it would be like to be with so-and-so when my past was my present. However, I never openly discussed those fantasies with any of my companions.

With High School, I feel so comfortable...Almost as if there is nothing to really discuss, more like, It will happen when it happens. Something to look forward to, not be concerned about. But please keep in mind that 'almost' is a word with room for lots of possibilities.

If it ever gets to the point that marriage is a real possibility for us, I think that it will be a comfortable conversation between the two of us. There is not anything that I can think of at this moment that I would be or have been ashamed to discuss with High School. He's so accepting and encouraging.

I would not be nervous about broaching the subject with High School. Maybe nervous about his reaction. He is one of those types, as most men are, that has the 'if it ain't broke' philosophy. Not that I can blame him. I think that the biggest risk of approaching the marriage topic would be fear of rejection on my behalf. Actually, more like the "I'm not ready" speech. Fear that if he asked me to marry him that it would be more because he knows that I desire it, than him actually desiring it himself.

For me to approach the conversation seriously, High School would have to satisfy all of my fears, which at this moment would be pretty impossible to do. I hate to bring up his age, that's something I've for the most part, gotten over. But his age and marriage just are not connecting right now.

"If you were involved with someone and started toying with the idea of marriage, would you hesitate to mention this until you were fairly certain of your feelings? What would you think would be the biggest risk of bringing up the subject before then?"

As always, your comments are wanted and appreciated!!!

So Much To Be Thankful For

2004-12-01T09:50:00.000-06:00

Thanksgiving was wonderful. I left for Dallas on Thursday, arrived and kept to myself and my family the first few days. Munchkin was immediately carted off to her father's place and I was officially on vacation from motherhood. Or at least on vacation from taking care of the day to day activities that I take care of when we're in Houston.

Sunday night, High School called me to tell me to check my email. He wasn't able to come home for the holidays because he had to work the day after Thanksgiving. So, I was sad that I wouldn't get to see him, but I had plans to keep myself entertained during my stay in Dallas. As it turned out, I would not need entertaining because in my email was a flight itinerary for me from Dallas to Florida on Monday morning. It was the sweetest gesture and I was excited about High School's initiative.

So, I went upstairs, packed my bags, and begged my mother for forgiveness. I knew I would miss Thanksgiving with my family. The entire family was going to Arkansas to celebrate the holiday with my Grandmother. I hadn't seen my grandmother in over a year and I didn't want to disappoint them, but I would not pass up the opportunity to spend time with High School. Time that he and I really needed with one another.

So, my flight was to leave at 5:30 am...It was the cheapest flight that High School could find, and still impressed by his gesture, I wouldn't have complained if it were 4am when the flight took off.

However I needed a ride to the airport and there were no volunteers. My Mom was barely speaking to me, and my sisters and brother were disgusted with my decision, and hell, I was running out of options. So, my Mom, after a lot of "I'm Sorry's" and "I love you's" finally agreed to have Big Man take me to the airport. And that was the beginning of one of the most stressful and exhausting days of my life.

It all began with me being ill-prepared for a trip to Florida. All of my clothes were still packed from Houston, but I didn't know what to take with me to Florida. So, I got all of my stuff crammed into two bags of luggage that I would check in. Then I had my purse and a carry on bag. However when I was loading the bags in my car...Nope, no one would help me with that either...The handle of my favorite bag broke. I had to find another bag big enough to stuff my favorite bag into. I thought to myself, oh well, I'll get it fixed when I get back into town.

So, I get all of my bags out in the car, I jump in the shower, shave, comb my hair, and changed from my WHITE capris to some jeans and tennis shoes. Thank God for that. I would need tennis shoes on for the experience I was about to endure.

I took the risk of arriving a little late to the airport, because I didn't want to make Big Man get up extra extra early for work. So I said, we could leave the house at 4am instead of having me there by 4am. I slept on the couch downstairs, so all I had to do was brush my teeth and walk out the door...Let's just say it didn't happen that way.

4am
I get up, brush my teeth, put my shoes on and grab my purse.
Wait patiently for Big Man to come down the stairs.

4:05am
Big Man comes down the stairs.
Makes a cup of coffee.
Puts cream and sugar in his coffee.
I use the restroom.

4:10am
Big Man and I head to the front door.
Big Man and I are greeted with showers...Not rain, Showers!!!

4:11am
Big Man makes a dash for the car, we drive my car to the airport, and I had left the driver's side door unlocked. He was to unlock the passenger side door for me when he got in the car. He did that just fine. I make a run for the passenger side door. My hair which was done nicely in a simple bob was ruined. Oh well, I'll get over it, I thought, and then as I opened up the passenger side door, Big Man had his books resting on the seat. I thought to myself, didn't he know I was running right behind him? Why did he unlock the door and then put books in the seat? I attempted to move the books and sit down, but in the meantime, I was being soaked. I finally get in the car, look over at Big Man and forced a very pleasant smile on my face.

4:12am
I tell Big Man he has 20 minutes to get me to the airport. Or I wouldn't be able to check my luggage in. Personally I knew he had until 4:45am to get me to the airport, because that's the latest the airline would accept my baggage, but I didn't want him taking his time. As it turned out, it didn't matter what time I told him, because he seemed to be oblivious to the minutes ticking away on the dashboard clock. There would be several times during the ride that I asked myself why I had the time programmed into my clock exactly on time. It would have been nice to say think that the clock was five or even three minutes fast.

4:23am
Big Man and I are stuck behind an 18-wheeler on a four lane highway. I'm not sure why we didn't pass him. There were three other unoccupied lanes. We had just hit Skillman/Audelia and I was beginning to panic. The smile on my face weakened.

4:34am
We finally make it to the I35/I635 split. I'm thinking, wow, I'll make it, barely, if he just hurries up and exits...I should have said something out loud, and I'm not sure why words failed me. I looked up and instead of heading straight on I635, Big Man was turning towards I35...I was like "NOOOO...WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!!????" And he simply replies, "Oh, I guess I thought we were going to Lovefield, not DFW. Dangit, I do that all the time."
I nearly lost it. Instead, I remained calm, and bit my tongue until I tasted blood. He makes a U-turn on Royal lane, and goes North on 35 to take the I635 exit.

4:38am
For some reason, actually the only logical explanation I can come up with is that somebody 'up there' thought it funny to fuck with me, because Big Man missed the exit to 635 again!!!! The smile was completely wiped off of my face, and I was holding on to the side of my seat, fist balled, trying to remain calm, but losing the battle. It's okay I reasoned with myself. I just wouldn't be able to check my bags. I'll stuff whatever I can in my carry on bag, and I'll buy whatever else I need when I get to Florida.

4:45am
We enter the airport. By this time, I had given up on my luggage being accepted, and only wanted to see if I could still make it on the plane. Of course the ticket was one of those nontransferrable ones, so I was somewhat panicked to see if I would get to see High School at all.

4:50am

We enter the airport. Big Man, doesn't help me unload my bags, I didn't even care. I get out of the car, he sort of just stands there, and I ask him to at least follow me inside to see if they will check my bags.

4:53am

There's a nice Black lady at the counter and she sees how flustered I am. She tells me not to worry about it and she takes my bags. I waved Big Man off, and collasped on the counter. She chatted with me for awhile, and I thought, wow, it's all starting to come together.

5:05am

I go through security, and I'm selected for a thorough search. I have to take off my shoes, belt, and jacket. Then a woman felt all between my legs, lifted my breast up to search up under them, and touched all over my cleavage. I felt molested, especially when she told me to spread my legs. It wouldn't have been so bad if I did not have an audience of men checking me out...Yuck!!!

5:15am

I go to the bathroom to try and help my wet appearance. It was no use, my hair was a mess. I needed a blowdryer and hair straightners which were all on the plane...Thankfully on the plane. I grabbed a cup of chai tea from Starbucks, and tried to relax in the waiting area. Of course, while sipping on my tea, I burn my fucking tongue, which was numb during the entire trip in Florida.

5:30am

The plane is delayed due to fog in Atlanta. So, I call High School who was dead sleep, and didn't care about my boredom.

5:45am

I'm seated on the plane, and finally I'm able to relax somewhat. I read a book of short stories until my plane landed in Atlanta.

8:45am

Land in Atlanta. Grab my bags, and happily exit the plane. I ask the staff where to catch my next plane at, and they tell me that I should 'run' to Gate D2...I was on C2. So, I walk (rapidly), towards the rising numbers...C10, C15, C20, C25...I finally got to C28 and thought, "Hmmm, maybe I should ask someone how many C's I'll go through before I get to 'D'...I asked a pilot who was walking near me, and he informed me that I should go downstairs, catch a train, and then go back to the other side of the airport(back to D2)to catch my plane...

9:00am

So here I am running down the escalator, where I missed the train, and then finally get on it, run up the escalator, and down 26 gates to get to my plane. By the time I got to Gate 15, I'm completely out of breath, I'm sweating, irritated, and I have a stomach cramp. No longer being able to run or walk briskly, I walk..Slowly...I
look like an infant taking its first steps.

9:10am

I approach Gate D2, and the flight attendant asks, "Oh, were you on that flight from DFW?" I nod my head exasperated, and she says, "Oh, you're the last one to arrive, go ahead and enter the plane..." I could have strangled her.

9:15am

I enter the plane, put my bags in the overhead compartment, and then I look at my seat, where a gentleman is sitting looking at me like, "I hope you don't mind." I tell he guy that he's in my seat, and all eyes on the plane were on me. He says, "I like sitting in the front by first class because I have more leg room here. Do you mind if I continue to sit here?" I thought to myself, "Is this guy serious, what the fuck???" Instead, I smile at him and say, "No, of course not, I don't mind, I'll just sit in this seat over here, while you enjoy the extra leg room." That was a mistake. I just so happen to sit next to a religious fanatic, who wanted to know what church I attended, and what my Pastor's name was. I lied. LOL, I couldn't break that little old lady's heart or faith or whatever by telling her I had not stepped foot in a church (by my own free will) in...in...Well,...I can't even remember!

10:20am

Arrive in Florida. It's sunny outside, just beautiful, a change from the rain in Dallas. I looked for my luggage, and go outside where High School was waiting patiently for me, and I forgot about all of my troubles. He's so damn worth it.

11:00am

I finally relax in the car, and tell High School that I have to pee really badly. He stops at a hotel where I run to the bathroom, only to squat, sigh in relief...I had been holding it for a long ass time...And then scream in disbelief. "This cannot be happening to me!!!!" The woman in the stall next to me had to ask me if everything was okay. "NO!!!! Not okay, but, yes, everything is okay." I responded. I looked down at my panties to discover that they were full of blood. Not only that, but my jeans were pretty messed up too. I felt dirty and nasty, and I tried to clean up as much as I could but I still felt icky. I walk out of the bathroom where High School was patiently waiting and I swear I was near tears.

I suppose all of the stress from the day made me start early.

High School and I went back to his place where he got in the shower with me, bathed me, fed me, and put me into bed while he went to work.

I thought to myself, "I'm the luckiest woman in the whole world, and I've got so much to be thankful for."

Beginning with:

I'm thankful that I have a family that is understanding enough and patient enough to allow me to live my life the way I want to, and the way I choose to.

I'm thankful for instincts, and learning to trust them more. I would have been miserably embarrassed had my period starting while wearing my white capris...

I'm thankful for the Big Man for always being willing to go through rain, traffic, and even wrong turns in order to do something for someone else.

I'm thankful for the reminder that even though it may be pouring down rain at one moment in your life, that the sun can be shining bright at the next moment.

I'm thankful that I can still managed to find something to smile about after being poured on, locked out, and tardy.

I'm thankful that I can find a solution when everything seems to be going wrong all around me. Even if it means leaving my baggage behind.

I'm thankful that there are still people in customer service who actually care about the people they help. People who have stressful jobs with a lot of responsibility, yet still manage to give you a genuine smile and a nod of understanding.

I'm thankful that I still have cleavage, and that I can still make people want to touch on me, by simply walking into a room.

I'm thankful that I don't have major things to complain about. Other than my wet hair or wet clothes.

I'm thankful that I'm healthy enough to run when necessary.

I'm thankful for patience. Especially for patience involving inconsiderate plane seat stealers.

I'm thankful for people who are trusting and friendly and mean no harm when they ask you about things such as religion.

I'm thankful that I'm NOT pregnant, not that I was worried, LOL...

I'm thankful for High School. For his love, for his commitment, for his strength, and faith in me. I'm thankful for how understanding he is, how much he tries, how much he loves me...Wet hair, wet clothes, sweaty, stinky, nasty, icky, bitchy, and even when I'm on my cycle, he loves me.

Home Sweet Home

2004-11-17T15:18:00.000-06:00

I'm returning to Dallas for the next week and a half tomorrow. I've got my bags packed, snacks prepared for the Munchkin, and I've cleaned the house room to room, so when I return I won't have household chores to do. I'll be in Dallas until the 29th of November, when I'll return to allow Munchkin to finish class for Christmas break, and to go to another weeks worth of classes myself. Then, I'll be bored as hell, and expecting my dear friends to drive down to Houston to keep me company.

Any Volunteers???

I can not wait to get back home, and I'm certain that when I get there, I'll not know what to do with myself. Munchkin will be with her father and his family, and I'll be staying all across the metroplex visiting various friends and inviting myself to their couch or guest rooms to sleep. So, don't be surprised if I stop by one of your houses with my overnight bag in tow.

I can't wait to visit some of my favorite spots, and even though I shouldn't miss food so much, I really miss Red Hot & Blue Bar-B-Cue, Wingstop, Hendary's (A lovely Lebanese restaurant Big Sis has me hooked on), Crazy Catfish, and...Pappadeaux's...I need some Creme Brulee bad...

I also miss the familiarity of my city. I even miss the traffic. Yikes! What's wrong with me??? I miss having lunch downtown at...What's the name of that spot??? Treebeard's...Hunt I'm up for a visit, are you?

If Munchkin were not in school, I'd be right back down there the weekend after Thanksgiving.

I've got my allotment of money set aside for Christmas, and I'm praying for the strength to not spend any of the money on myself.

Here's my Want List...

Candles....Lots and lots of candles
Throw Pillows...For the living room floor
Chi Ceramic Flat Iron...The lady who did my hair last week used it and I want one sooooo bad
An entertainment center to fit my stereo and television on, but that's not a priority, more of something I'll do for myself
Sheets, towels, comforters you can never have enough sheets you know...
Sex...Lots of sex....I had to throw that in there
A blender...I don't know what happened to my other one
Scarves and gloves and sweaters...Anything pink
There is this pink coat from Burlington's Coat factory that I've had my eye on
Shoes...Boots...Bracelets, earrings, you know, all the accessories, and yes Gab, even purses, preferably pink, LOL!
Picture frames, I want to have as many pics up of family and friends as possible, makes me miss home a little less often
Which reminds me, African Art, I love it, I just bought two things off of eBay
Smiles and laughter, and happiness from those closest to me, I can't forget about ya'll
A new car...Hey I could at least hope Santa's listening
A magazine rack for my bathroom
A table to sit my keys and picture frames on, when I walk in my door
Ummm...Did I already mention sex???
Books, mysteries, how-to's,erotica...
Hmmm...I know, I know....A picture from all of my friends...That way I can put it in the frames!!!
A Christmas party, that would be fun
A Golden Retriever. I love those dogs

Oh well, it's okay to dream isn't it?

As I've mentioned, I've got my allotment of money, and I expect to be knocking down old ladies the day after Thanksgiving when Wal-Mart has it's annual sale. I'm also shopping Kohl's, Big Lots, JCPenney's, Ross, Target, and eBay. *sigh* I can't wait...

So, anyway, here's an early warning, I'm on my way home, and I expect to be thoroughly entertained...And...Ummm...At ya'll's expense...LOL

2004-11-15T15:13:00.000-06:00

If one were to ask me what my greatest fear is, I'd reply, "being alone."

It's true. I fear being alone more so than I fear dying, failure, embarrassment, disease, cancer...Etc...

What is it about being alone that frightens me so? Well, what could be worse than dying, than dying alone? Failing, than failing alone? Embarrassment, than dealing with that embarrassment alone? Disease or cancer, than suffering alone? I can't think of a single thing worse than dealing with life alone.

With my family by my side, my friends and loved ones as well, I can conquer anything. If not conquer, I can deal.

I love the companionship that I receive from my family and friends, but sometimes even I need to embrace my greatest fear.

It is with pleasure, that I will spend this week ALONE. Of course, there's Munchkin, but she is so much a part of me, that we are one.

For the select few of you who know, I'm smiling mischievously and loving every moment of my empty house and 'alone' time!!!

Daddy, My Hero

2004-11-09T19:55:00.000-06:00

I don't talk about my father much. Quite honestly, I don't think about him all that much either.

My father and my mother have been divorced for about five years now. The divorce was ugly. I was pregnant with Munchkin when it happened and torn between my Mother and a man who I will always consider my father and not just my step dad.

My father was not attractive. He was a short man, about 5'6 or 5'7. He was in the military when he met my mother. Stationed in Fort Polk, Louisiana. My mother had just divorced her first husband, and worked at the NCO Club as a BINGO coordinator. My father would visit her everyday, persistently asking her for a date, until she finally granted him one. It took him weeks. He dated my mother and finally after meeting her children and her family asked her to marry him. I remember the wedding. The colors were baby blue and white. My mother wore a white gown and she was beautiful. I wore a pink ruffled dress; Big Sis wore a blue one. We were the flower girls. I remember her teaching us how to walk. I knew my job was important. My parents never went on a honeymoon. But my mom seemed so happy. Later she told me that when my father proposed to her, she hesitated. She called my grandmother and asked her for advice. She said to my grandmother, "I'm not sure that I can do it. I'm not sure that I even love him." My grandmother told her, "Love will come later..."

And she seemed so happy in her white gown, baby blue flowers, white wedding cake smudged on her face, no honeymoon.

My father was given orders to go to Germany, he packed his family up, and we flew overseas. We left an entire world behind us. I've often wondered if my father did not save us from our own fate, by taking us from that part of our lives. My dad is my hero. It was the first time I remember him rescuing me.

In Germany life was amazing. I saw things I'd never imagined I'd see. I explored the worlds of so many different people. I was young and free, and naive. My father paid for trips to the Netherlands, to France, and other small countries abroad. My mother took boat rides along the Rhine River, had picnics in the park while exploring castles and admiring the landscape. She even bought a Mazda Miata that she still treasures till this day. By moving to Germany, I cannot help but think that we were given the opportunity to live life, to really live, that we may not have gotten had my mother 'waited for love.'

The sacrifices that my mother made for her children are so amazing. Sacrificing her own instincts, her own need to be loved and to love someone from her heart, from her soul, from her being, so that her children could live a life they could be proud of. My mother neglected herself, in order to give to her children. However, as much as I believe my mom is to be commended, she, like everyone else, is human.

I remember when my father found out he was being shipped to Iraq to fight a war he wanted no part of. Like many people in the military, my father chose the military as a way out of his small town. It was a job. He never expected that his job would endanger him. When my father left for Iraq, we were all sad, but we felt free as well, my mother most of all. I have memories of my mother leaving us money, a house full of groceries and a strict list of rules, and she'd leave for a day, and eventually that day turned into two days, then the entire weekend, sometimes longer. I never thought to question my mom as to where she was or what she was doing, but I knew. We all knew, even if we didn't.

I remember my father calling home asking, "Where's your mom?" And I remember making up excuses for her, even lies. Just so that my father wouldn't hurt. I was too young for the responsibility.

Things changed when my father returned home. My mom was suddenly back around. My father seemed distant. Although he was always there, and we still took our trips and explored the different worlds around us. We were, for all appearances, a happy family. I was happy.

My father used to drink before the war. When he came home, he still drank, but for some reason, he hid the bottles.

My father hit my mother once. Happened only once in all the time they were married. I heard them arguing. The responsibility of listening fell on my weak shoulders. I heard my mother hit the ground, I ran out of my room and into the living room and saw my father straddling my mother, his hands around her neck, while she lay there silent. He stopped, sent me to bed, and I found more bottles hidden...Empty.

My mother got pregnant, she was sick, so very sick, she lost the baby. My father cried. His tears were real. My heart went out to him. I made my bed that day. Cleaned the kitchen and went to bed on time. My mother was happy, she wasn't sick any longer. I never mentioned it, I knew he'd feel shame. So I wore his shame for him, but no one noticed.

We came back from Germany, but not before I discovered what pride was. My father taught me that. It took him months, but it was a lesson learned. We went on with our lives, but my father stopped hiding the bottles.

Everyone who met my dad would not have a single bad thing to say about him. He was a shit talker. He told dirty jokes, laughed a lot. My dad laughed more than he ever complained, more than he ever cried, more than he ever drank. When I think of him, I see the Dallas Cowboys, food (he loved to cook), and an empty bottle.

My dad cooked and cleaned the house everyday. My friends would come over and say,” What’s Hamilton cooking today?" Or "I've got a bottle of so and so to bring over to watch the game with your dad as long as I can eat Sunday dinner with ya'll."

One year, for Christmas, I bought him the biggest and most expensive bottle of Crown Royal you can buy. He still has the purple bag. If you wanted something from my dad, all you had to do was buy him a bottle.

My dad was not an alcoholic. Through all of my memories of him, I still till this day cannot admit my dad was an alcoholic. Could be the pride he taught me, could be my own stubbornness. Or it could be that a part of me is still that naive little girl who smiled up at him when he showed up to my recital. My father was my hero; he rescued me from loneliness when I was younger.

My father provided for his family. He was firm in his beliefs about making sure we had everything we needed. We never wanted for anything. We were spoiled.

I used to write my dad love letters. I would tell him how happy I was to call him Daddy. How much he meant to me and how proud he made me. My dad kept my letters, but he never wrote back.

My mother cheated on my father. My father had to know. We all knew. Everyone knew. But he stayed, and he still cleaned and cooked, still invited over our friends, and they brought with them bottles. We ate, drank, and watched football every Sunday together. We were happy, my friends, my sisters, my brother, my mom, and my dad, by all appearances.

I got pregnant. I bought a double pack pregnancy test. I bought "Grandparent" cards. Wrote a few sentences in each, included a positive pregnancy test in each envelope, and took them over to my mom's on Halloween, 1999. My parents were sitting in their twin wingback chairs, watching television...Happy. I watched their face expressions intently. Needing to see and feel their reactions. My father was first. His eyebrows shot up, and he looked at me with this grin on his face, and he said, "Congratulations." In that moment, I loved my father more than I could ever find the words to describe. Words, in that moment, were meaningless. My mother burst into tears, "Are you SURE???" She asked me. But my father, he was my hero. He saved me from shame.

Around Christmas, my mother didn't come home a few nights. Things were bad by then. My father was cooking Christmas dinner. We sat in the office of their home, the lights from the Christmas tree our only company, and I could sense his pain. And his pain became my own. "Why don't you leave?" I asked him. He said, "I made my bed, and now I'm going to lay in it." No words of their vows to one another were spoken of. Just him acknowledging that he signed up for this, and hell, as the military taught him, he would just endure it. But my father retired from the Army, and he would soon find the strength to leave the marriage.

Superbowl Sunday, my father had had enough. He came home, argued with Lil Sis over the dog after kicking it, and went to his room, where he had his own personal refrigerator stocked with bottles. My Sister called our mom; we had the number to her lover's house on speed dial. She came home. They argued.

The next weekend, he was gone. He came back for his clothes, for his Dallas Cowboy memorabilia, and his refrigerator, full of half empty bottles. He never said goodbye. But I didn't expect him to. He was leaving her, not us, not me. I felt a sense of pride for my father, a sense of accomplishment. I was glad he had finally stood up for himself. Finally retired. My Dad was my hero; he saved me from having to watch him suffer.

It got bad though. My Mom was served with divorce papers on Valentine's Day. She was hurt because she knew he was hurting. As long as by appearances we were happy, then the pain never surfaced. But the pain spoke volumes. It spoke when the house became unkempt and dirty. When dinner was not prepared each evening, when the Cowboys played and no one came over, when there were no more empty bottles to throw out. The pain spoke.

Still, it never dawned on me that my father would leave my life. No, not me, not his little girl. My parents' went through a nasty divorce. Never speaking to one another, hurting each other as best they could. My father came to visit me once. I was maybe four months pregnant, confused about my feelings. I hadn't spoken much to my mother. I blamed her for my father's pain. He sat in my home and chatted with me. "I have no hard feelings," I remember him saying. "I still love ya'll." He said.

Two weeks later, he called and said that my car would be repossessed. He did so voluntarily. I asked why. He responded, "The best way to hurt your mother is to go through her children." I'll never in my life forget that. And in that moment I knew that I'd lost my dad. Bitterness had consumed him more than my love for him could save him. My response was, "I understand." And I understood. I never hated him for that. But walking out of my life. For that, sometimes, I wished him dead. To have to let go of someone you love and have loved for as long as your memory carries you, is harder than to lose them to death. To know that they are down the street, laughing and cooking, and drinking somewhere, is harder to accept than death.

I could never hate my father, he gave me the chance to live, he was my hero. But I realize now, that sometimes the people who seem like heroes are only people passing through offering you the support you need in that moment, for only that moment. They are never meant to last forever. They are never meant to be heroic forever. Sometimes, heroes need a hero of their own.

I rarely talk to my Dad now. After that hurtful conversation, I called my mom. I actually listened to what she had to say. Staying in a lifeless marriage, waiting for love to come, living life for others, and not allowing herself but a few days of happiness and freedom. The need to feel wanted, appreciated, loved, and beautiful. The need to be more important than a home cooked meal, A Dallas Cowboy game, or an empty bottle, for appearance sake. The need to feel like a woman. She may not have done it the right way; in fact, she made many, many, many mistakes along the way. Life would not be lived, if not for some mistakes...Experience would not exist. And although my Mother didn't do it the way I may have done it, she was brave enough to live her life and to love herself without hiding behind cooking and cleaning, football games, or an empty bottle.

I love my father. I don't know how to stop. He was my hero, there when I needed him, brave when I needed courage, full of laughter when I was drained from tears. And who could forget our bond? When he hurt, I suffered with him. When he cried, I sobbed for him. When he smiled, my heart burst into gleeful laughter. When he left, I applauded him. Even now, it's hard to see that my father did anything wrong, he just never tried to make it right. He accepted life for what it was, and the weakness of it, now, makes me despise him. I feel as though I have to forgive myself for loving him so much. Or maybe I should have loved him more? I comfort myself by saying, "My father loved me, the best way that he knew how." But he could have known more. Is it possible to love a man so much and despise him at the same time?

When my daughter was born, I could look around the room and feel so much love there. My Mom was by my side with open arms, accepting me more so than my father's "Congratulations" and raised eyebrows ever did on Halloween 1999. My hero never called. But he said his 'I'm sorry's' the best way he knew how...In silence, but with an half empty bottle, I'm sure.

Discussion Question 52

2004-11-07T18:45:00.000-06:00

Oh, I know, it's been forever since I've posted a discussion question, July 21st to be exact, but they are back!!!

When I think about my sex life, I sometimes feel giddy. But there have been times in my life when I've felt downright pathetic. Let me just elaborate a little by saying that it is at no fault of my own, but as I have said in previous posts, countless men think they have it, when the only thing they really have are egos in over-drive. As Gab cleverly refers to it, Big Dick Conversation versus...Well, you know...

When I have my highs and lows regarding sex (and I'm sure some of my close friends can vouch for this), I am not only full of emotions, I am full of words, and I share them. So, yes, my closest friends know intimate details about my sex life, or as in right now, the present, and hopefully not for much longer, the lack of a sex life (Thanksgiving can't get here soon enough, and I'm going to have oh soooo much to be thankful for).

I heard somewhere that men should relax, women don't talk much about sex unless it's really bad or really good. I agree, but what do you think?

"Do you think you or your partner has discussed more openly with confidants the details of your sex life and relationship?"

I voted

2004-11-02T17:56:00.002-06:00

I left class early today to go and cast my vote. I met Lil Sis, who was nervous about voting because she lost her driver's license, luckily she was able to...Anyway, I met her at Munchkin's old school so that we could vote. I of course voted for Kerry/Edwards, and it was with relief that I did so. Munchkin was with us, and I'm glad for that. When she is older, I can tell her all about it, and let her know that she was by my side when I voted. After all, I'm voting for her future.

I've posted some pics of me and the fam'. Yeah, I cut my hair. I'm devastated, and I'll never cut my hair again in life! Split ends or not! Yeah, I've gained weight, but hell, I'm a woman, who cares! And it is my belief that Munchkin is beginning to look like me. It's all in the structure of our faces. That makes me happy! Enjoy the pics, and I truly hope that tomorrow I'll be celebrating the announcement of a new president for 2005-2013!!!

Am I the only one who's nervous???

Pics Pics and More Pics!!!

2004-11-02T17:27:00.000-06:00

Here's my Munchkin and some of Lil Sis and I Trick or Treating!!!

Pic of Christany, Uncle, Granny, and Big Sis. Our friend's baby was so adorable, we included her in too...

One Of Munchkin and I before the wedding...

That's My Munchkin!!!

A Time For Change

2004-11-01T21:34:00.000-06:00

Today is the eve of one of the most important days in American history. I am so excited. So proud to be a part of it. So happy that I could take my child trick or treating, and feel welcomed into strangers' yards and homes. Happy that I could share smiles and laughter with other parents as I walked along the moon lit streets. Happy that I could feel comfortable with people regardless of political affiliations, I felt a moment of unity. Even so, I am truly nervous and hopeful that tomorrow's election will be a reflection of the common sense that I share with my fellow Democrats.

I look forward to the moment when my daughter will come home from school, with her books in tow, to tell me that she learned about the Presidential Election of 2004 in class that day. I can't wait to be able to tell her exactly what it was like, living in those times.

Every moment of this year has been about changes for me and even those around me. I'm learning to not be selfish. It's okay for it to be all about me, but I don't mind sharing every once and a while. It's really time for the change to occur for America too.

Trick or Treat?

2004-11-01T18:28:00.000-06:00

Last night, I dressed my Munchkin up in her little witch costume and explored the neighborhoods of Houston. She was adorable. I did her make up, put on her wig, and slipped on her witch hat, and we headed out. We went to this very well to do neighborhood, because the concept of children is a foreign concept to the complex that I live in. I think that if Munchkin shouted the words, "trick or treat," that they'd really think that she was tricking them. Nevertheless, we went out and had a good time. What I found most peculiar is the number of Kerry/Edwards signs I saw in these rich people's yards. You'd think that most people with money would be conservative, especially when you live in Texas...Make that Houston, Texas; the home of former President Bush.

However, there were plenty of signs and friendly people. We went to a house where the people had a long line of children to get treats. They were giving out books, toys, and handfuls of candy. Munchkin chose bubbles...

There was a house that spooky lights on formed with the letters, V-O-T-E. I thought that was great. They had peace signs lit up and flags hanging out. I thought to myself, "Wow...This is great."

Some of My Favorite Comments Bush/Kerry

2004-11-01T18:25:00.000-06:00

Fred from Tampa, Florida
2004-07-07
"Umm, maybe I just fail to see how I will benefit from not having social security with a 1 trillion federal and 7 trillion national debt which was completely created by Bush in addition to sending the clinton surplus to the rich. Why did you even bother to write this article? Anyone aware of the 3 country oil pipe the 200 billion plus iraq war that we're fighting for has any weight? We're just putting money into the hands of a guy whose evaded millitary service. The only people who Bush can inspire are those too dim to realize their jobs are now in india and that there aren't any weapons in iraq, just lots of oil. But I'm sure the res t of the Bush supporters are making a nice penny, aren't you?"

Clyde C. Bauman, Jr. from McAllen, Texas
2004-04-30
"Good article. Accurately defines each other's positions and the outcome of both. Clarifies that Bush believes that America is a country wherein the government is comprised of, by and for the people. Whereas Kerry's is an Elitist government comprised of those who think they know better then we do, what we should have. "

Will from Livonia, MI
2004-04-23
"If you look at what has happened with Bush's plan over the last 4 years, supporting companies that want to send American jobs overseas, larger tax credits for big business and the war in Iraq which is clearly for oil. Bush supports big business while the average Joe or Jane is losing their jobs overseas. It is apparent that Bush is for the rich and not the average American. Kerry's plan makes sense for the future. We shouldn't live just for today but prepare for tomorrow. I pray that American wake up a realizes that we are on the wrong path. We need to get away from our dependence on foriegn old and look for alternative fuel sources that are better for the world. We can all win but first we must begin. Look into the facts and find the truth. For the truth will set you free."

Will from Livonia, MI
2004-04-23
"1st pardon the typos, but to prove my point visit: http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/articleshow/551119.cms It is clear as to what the future holds with Bush."

Jenn from S.L.C., Utah
2004-04-05
"All of the people who are voting for the "red" are going to end up like that, Red. Kerry wants to talk away our defense. He says he wants to "bring back our allies". He'll do that, but they won't be here to shake hands and make up, they'll be knocking on our door to bring us to our knees begging for help. While, Kerry is drinking cocktails and lounging around at the White House. What kind of world does Kerry think we're living in? We see this time and time again in history, if you take away something that YOU think will be better for the world, someone else will take advantage and seize that opportunity to become dictator of the world. And we all know we don't need another Hitler. Yes we all want peace, but it isn't going to happen if we basically show our weaker side to them."

anna from Portland, ME
2004-04-02
"Ml from Cleveland, Ohio, should tune into "AIR AMERICA" and begin to get his/her info from Al Franken the twit. Seems that's the kind of mentality he could comprehend."

Alice Click from Point Pleasant, West Virginia
2004-03-29
"Very good information. I downloaded the Economic Report and Six-Point Economic Plan as well as the information on John Kerry. It seems John Kerry's plan is all about government intervention. George W. Bush emphasis is on letting the American people run their businesses. We need to get back to free enterprise--free of government regulations. With Kerry it is all government regulations!"

Jo Dearheart from Corpus Christi, Texas
2004-03-21
"If this article doesn't cause us to question, "Did the Civil War ever end?" I don't know what would! What happened to "One Nation Under God?" For that matter, what happened to the phrase, "Liberty and Justice for All?" Doesn't anyone see both sides' innocense, and both sides inablility to see the dynamics going on here? Just as L.B.J.'s creation of Welfare, in his upper-class limited experience and Southern heritage, legalized slavery and called it "help for the poor"; Our policy makers, since they don't directly suffer the impact of making policies for the common man's lives, are not uniting this nation, but only bridging the gap further between "The Have's" and "The Have-Not's." While "The Wanna-Be's" are praying to God to become one of "The Have's!" Wake up, America; the world is watching! And, the world (including America) needs to "Live Liberty..." because Freedom, in our current human state, invites no boundaries.""

Article to be found here.

Can't Keep My Mouth Shut...

2004-11-01T08:56:00.000-06:00

I originally began writing this post on October15th, after the final Presidential debate. I'm posting it now, the day before election, because I am so pumped up about this year's election!!!

Then again, this blog was created for ME to Shout!!!

I don't consider myself a confrontational person. Honestly, I'm not...But if you step on my toes, rub me the wrong way, piss me the fuck off, well...Then it's on!

It seems to me that it's been 'on' a lot around here these days. What brings out this new (shall we call it) trend? Hmmm...I'll just say political stimulation can be just as exciting as sexual stimulation, but without the 15 seconds of pleasure.

Yep, this post is about politics. I've got some really high opinions about this, so if you like keeping the Bushes trimmed, then, there's probably no need to continue. For all others, or for the people who are at the least opened minded...Read on.

I've been following the Presidential Debates as much as possible lately. I mean who could resist watching two rich White men attack each other in front of a live audience on national television, in order to act as Chief Executive Officer of America and supposedly represent the millions of American Citizens that aren't rich or White??? I couldn't. I found it rather entertaining. The drama was better than any TNT (We Know Drama) show I have ever viewed.

Oh and it got low and dirty. It got exciting and intriguing, it got hands moving, facial expressions going, it was D-R-A-M-A-T-I-C!!!! Damn, I think I loved it a little too much.

Let me just say that politics have always been interesting to me...Well, not always, but when I was around 16, my mother sat me down and said, "Look, you're real father, although he may be a good man, never paid a dime of child support, never called you even though our number has been the same for over 20 years, never sent a birthday card, or said 'I love you.' Now do you want to take his last name, or keep your step father's who has done so much for you?" I thought about it. Well, should I vote to keep a man's name who never really did anything for me, or should I vote to keep my Step Father's name who has done more than I would have expected from a biological father? Hmmm...I went to my mother and said, "I think I'd like to take your maiden name. That way I don't have to choose." I'm not sure if my Step Father was offended by my choice, however the need to not vote one way or another was strong at that age. I felt strongly about my Step Father. I loved him. However, being a reasonable person, I didn't want to blame a man who I'd never given the opportunity to speak or explain his absence from my life. This event in my life was a lesson in politics. Sometimes you have to take one over the other when neither is all good or neither is all bad. Sometimes the third option is not available.

And so is the same with President Bush and Senator Kerry. Let me just say that before this year, I had not a clue who Kerry was. I was still crossing my fingers hoping that Gore would come out of retirement. Change his mind about running. Honestly, I think he would have made a good President. But before now, Kerry was just another man in power that little ole me couldn't care less about.

With this being an election year, I started paying attention a few months ago, to what the people who want to lead our country were saying. The debates allowed for me to determine whether or not the issues they spoke about directed me specifically.

I asked myself going into these debates, what has Bush done for me?

A Single Mom
Unemployed several times over the past four years
No health insurance during the lapse of employment
A household income under $40K a year
A College Student
A Black Woman
Unable to take advantage of the low interest rates because I still don't make enough

And well, it was a moment when my mouth was shut...I could not name any substantial things that Bush had done for me during his time in office.

But to be fair, even though we all are sick of hearing it, I'll go over the things that he says he's done.

WAR ON TERRORISM

Bush challenges that he has protected America by going to war. He has told America, that it's okay to do something that my daughter would be severely disciplined for had she used this behavior at school...Hit them before they hit you. What do I look like telling my child, "If Little Johnny has more oil...errr... Candy than you, and you think Little Johnny is going to hit you with his with his Weapons of Mass Destruction...Err...Ball, then you had better make sure that you hurt a few innocent bystanders in your rage to hit him before he hits you."

Kerry on the other hand has pointed out Bush's wrong choices, yet in my opinion, he has not offered a real plan on how to fix the problem.

ECONOMY

Bush admits that the country has suffered, but through no fault of his own. He can't help it that Osama decided to tear down our towers while he read children's stories to lil children in Florida. He also says that the economy is picking up. He takes responsibility for the success, but will not admit any failures. Honestly, if he admitted even the slightest bit of hesitancy on his position on the war in Iraq, I believe a greater number of people would be more tempted to listen to what else he has to say.

Kerry does not promote job outsourcing, believing we should keep jobs in America. Not only would it help our country, it would promote unity from within. I think it says something about the patriotism that big businesses have, when they would rather save a few bucks outsourcing jobs than to give it to their own fellow citizens. As Kerry mentioned, we really need to free ourselves from the dependency America has on other's nation's soil. We need to take care of US first. We need to recognize the back door draft for what it is and admit that most people in the military are Poor Minorities. We need to remember the separation of religion and government in our Constitution, and not allow religious preferences dictate who represents us, the people in office. We need to stop getting into other people's business. Who cares, if your neighbor is gay and married??? Truly how does that directly affect you? As Kerry said, "You cannot discriminate on the way you treat people." That's not what our government stands for.

Again, what has Bush done for me? He says that he increased the number of people who qualify for a pell grant by 1 million people. In my opinion, that is an admittance that the economy is doing so poor, that 1 million people 'qualified' for the pell grant. It's cheaper for me to go to school than it is for me to work. Bush has increased funding for our education system. My daughter attended a school where no child was supposed to be left behind. However, I left all of those children behind the moment I withdrew her, because the reason no child was left behind, was because they were all behind. It's scary. I can't qualify for Medicaid without being pregnant. According to Bush, I can't have an abortion unless I'm raped. I only make $.76 to the dollar compared to men's salaries. I have to hope that my neighbor doesn't get mad at me for walking too hard, and come up with an assault weapon, since under the Bush administration, they are no longer banned. I have to worry about my friends and family being sent to Iraq in order to fight in a war that is no longer a war. I have to wonder about as a Black woman, if I'll get a job, because affirmative action is no longer needed. I'm not exact on what Bush has done for me, but I know four years ago, my life was...Different.

When it comes down to it, I don't care if it's a Republican or a Democrat running the country. I want someone in office that cares about America. Which candidate is going to represent me to the best of their ability while in office...??? Bush has not represented me. I'll take my chances on Kerry.

I know many people are still trying to figure out whether or not Kerry really "Cares." It's something that I'm not sure of. The Black vote has been known to be taken advantage of. However, I am definitely convinced that Bush is full of "Bushshit"

Changes

2004-10-31T11:25:00.000-06:00

I remember a time when I was so in love that I could hear music in raindrops.

I remember a time when I was so naive that I thought love would wash all of the hurt away.

I remember a time when I was so trusting, that I believed that all pain could be healed.

I remember a time...

But time changes people, it changes hope, it changes memories.

Time has changed what I remember...

What A Day

2004-10-19T17:16:00.000-05:00

Okay, boy, am I glad that day has shed into evening, because day was hell.

Last night Munchkin had a rash on her shoulder that spread to her arm and back right before my eyes, literally. Scared the hell out of me. I called my mom, who suffered from chronic hives about a year ago, and she encouraged me to take Munchkin to the hospital.

I called the nurses hotline, and I ended up treating it at home, so she didn't have to go the doctor. The rash, or whatever it was, looked like a hive, however, it was sort of clustered in one spot on her shoulder. When it began spreading, it detached itself from the cluster, and just got bigger in diameter. I hadn't noticed it earlier, and Munchkin fighting for her independence, changed into her night clothes herself. When she came and showed me the rash, it was so lumpy that I thought that maybe she had laid on the berber carpet and the carpet was indented in her skin.

About ten minutes later, the bumps were not only still there, they were bigger. I got some ice, to put on it. She wasn't complaining about it itching or hurting, but she was running a slight fever. This came out of nowhere. The nurse said to give her some benadryl and rub some hydrocortisone on the rash, which I did. She also said to draw a circle around the rash, so we could plot the growth of it. After about half an hour later, the rash started receding, which was a relief to me. It looked disgusting, and though Munchkin was her healthy and hyper self, I was worried sick. I've been so lucky with Munchkin, she has rarely been sick. As a matter of fact, she got her first cold a couple of weeks ago, which I attribute to her starting school. Sure she's had a runny nose before, or a cough, but never a combination of the two. She's had only one ear infection in her life, and other than that, she has never had any run ins with sickness. I believe it has a lot to do with being a breastfed baby...She's got a good immune system.

So, because she is rarely sick, the moment something happens to her, I feel a sharp panic in my heart. Especially being away from my family or those with more experience, I feel even more so panicked. I'm not sure when to worry and when to just be concerned. Last night my first instinct was to snatch her up and take her to the emergency room. Thankfully, I didn't panic, and I was able to somewhat take care of it at home.

With that said, still, I'm watching her carefully, the slightest change in behavior, drowsiness, increase in temperature, or a return of a rash, and I'll be at the Medical Center within minutes. Thankfully we live right across the street from it. Last night was a major scare for me, and for most of ya'll, it's needless to say, that I got little sleep. Checking on Munchkin throughout the night.

So, I get up this morning, moving slow as hell, because I'm tired. I get Munchkin off to school, barely on time. I come home and finish up some homework that I was to weary to do last night, and then I was off to school, but not before I heated up some water for a glass of happy tea, which I've only just recently started back drinking. I didn't want to be late, so I took the cup with me...What was I thinking??? Houston's roads are worse than a teenage White kid's acne. Bumps and pot holes every damn where. And, so the tea, as hot as it was, decided to spill every damn where. I'm not even going to try and help the interior of my car. It's pretty much ruined. So, here I am dodging cars and tea. It's kind of funny now that I think about it, but at the time...NOT FUNNY!!!

I finally get to class, on time, would you believe it, and the happy tea must have been in effect because I didn't attempt to kill the teacher when I saw my test score. Of the nearly 600 people in my class, 109 of the students did not pass the exam...I was in that category. But hey, I was fine with it, I'll just do better next time. I was dismissed from class early, and left to fiddle my thumbs before my next class was to begin nearly half an hour later.

To bide time, I went to print off the paper that I worked on last night, so I could turn it in to my English professor. There was a line out of the fucking building to get into the computer lab. Oh well...Happy tea working, I waited, and didn't mind. I printed it off, went to Government where my fingers are still cramping from writing down all those unnecessary notes. Fine, happy tea was working its magic.

I went on to English, got there early, turned in my paper, but only after realizing that I didn't follow all of the directions that the professor required. Something simple, but wrong nevertheless. Oh well, happy tea, thinning but doing its job. Class was again dismissed early and the temptation to go home was strong. But no, I'm dedicated to finishing school, so I go to Starbucks buy an $8 drink...Just kidding, it was only $4. Now that's improvement, huh??? I needed something to boost the happy tea, which was working, but drifting away. Plus, I had 45 minutes to kill. I sat and read a little and enjoyed the warmth of Starbuck's Chai Tea.

I went on to my next English class, where we discussed the films Pulp Fiction and Memento. Oh, and since I don't particularly like the teacher, I attacked her choice of films. Why did she have to use Pulp Fiction? I mean the Black man gets raped in that film. By this time, the happy tea, was sliding towards the Exit sign. I challenged that the reason why the Black man got raped was because Bruce Willis wouldn't have it, and since he's the bigger star...LOL, it's funny now, but then...NOT FUNNY!!!

No, seriously, I did make a few points about how uncomfortable this film made me feel watching it in a classroom setting. I mean, I'd feel more comfortable watching it at home. The 'N' word, which I do not use, is thrown around in this film like they were playing tag football. And I really feel like I was pressured into watching the film, which I had to do in order to get a grade on the assignment. The teacher challenged that I owned the films. A lie I told her previously in order to avoid having to come to class on those days.

****Okay, confession time...I do own Memento, which I think is a VERY good film. But Pulp Fiction...Nope, don't own it, and it's so violent, that I don't really care to. As far as the film industry goes, it was risky and risk is needed nowadays to make a good film. However, personally, I like my orange juice pulp free. I do believe that the director was not racist...surfacely, just real. That's what made the film a good film.****

Anyway, the classroom argued that if Bruce Willis had been the one to be raped first, that Ving Rhames never would have went back to rescue him, because he wanted him dead anyway. Hell, I'd had left his ass too, but then again (inspired by Jamille) I could be racist....Ummm, that was a joke.

So after debating the film, we're let out of class, and I call Lil Sis, who tells me she's over TSU's and for me to come pick Munchkin up from there...No Big Deal...Accept it was a quarter to four when I talked to her, and it was after 4:30 before I actually got on the shuttle to take me to my car...By this time, the heat and humidity had worn the happy tea completely off. I get on the shuttle got to my car, which was on empty, and headed to a gas station. I wanted to explode when I saw the price of regular unleaded gas. $2.04...But I held my cool, Happy Tea has said goodbye a long ass time ago, and I was working on sheer will to hold my composure.

The pay at the pump credit card wasn't working, but since this was the cheapest gas station around, I went inside instead of just leaving. I went inside, told the guy $21 which I knew wasn't enough to fill it up, but figured I didn't want to go back in to sign the credit card, so I'd take the risk of getting as close as I could to a full tank without going over, and still having to go back in and get cash back. He grants my wish, I went back outside, turned the pump on and sat in my car to wait. I then called TSU and said I'd be there in about three minutes, so he agreed to meet me outside with Munchkin so that I could pick her up and be on my way.

Well, after I get off the phone, I look at the pump, and realize that it's only pumped $1.64 in gas, during the entire time I had been sitting there. So, I asked the guy next to me, "Hey, is your pump moving slow?" "Yep, he said, "I had to switch to Premium because they're nearly out of regular." He advised me to do the same, "It's only 7 cents more." I'm like 7 cents times 21, and besides, it's not fucking fair...Happy Tea had retired a long time ago, and I was ready to go off!!! I ended up having to go back into the store, ask to switch to Premium, and putting the grant it, better, but expensive ass my gas in.

When I got to Munchkin I was ready to explode at the sidewalk for being a piece of concrete that people walked all over. Anything that would let me yell at it, and wouldn't dare breathe back in return. But somehow I managed to conceal my anger, without the aid of Happy Tea.

When I saw Munchkin, I remembered last night, and all of a sudden I was happy again. Just like that. Last night could have been a lot worse. Munchkin could have been bitten by some poisonous spider. Whatever it was, it went away without much repercussions so far. Since last night could have been worse, it made today not seem so exhausting.

Munchkin got in the car and said, "Mommy, how was your day?" I began to tell her about my bad grade on my test, and she said, "That's too bad." I told her about waiting for the shuttle, and she laughed. The story about the gas station being out of gas, was straight up hilarious. Her laughter reminded me that sometimes, it's easier to laugh and be happy, than it is to get angry and be miserable.

What I Miss Most

2004-10-15T14:23:00.000-05:00

I miss High School.
I miss his touch, I miss the feel of his skin. I miss rubbing my cheek against the soft hair on his chin.
I miss his hands. The strong hands that always made me feel feminine.
I miss his smile. Although I speak to him several times a day by phone, and we still share laughter together during the times we speak, I miss the laughter I'd see in his eyes.
I miss watching him walk around naked. The perfections of all his imperfections, and I miss being comfortable with my imperfections in his presence.
I miss riding in the car with him, fearing for my life, but glad I didn't have to drive.
I miss the way his arms lock around me when we're sleeping. So much so, that I have to fight him in his unconsciousness in order to go to the bathroom.
I miss my confidence when I'm in his presence.
I miss the way I feel when I'm around him.
I miss cleaning up behind his dirty socks and discarded towels when he's showered.
I miss watching him shave, watching him pee, watching him eat.
I miss knowing how well he knew me. The way he observed my needs.
I miss watching him grow with Munchkin. With my family, and with my friends.
I miss the passion we shared when making love.
I miss making love to him.
I miss being angry with him.
I miss being reasoned with, being encouraged, being appreciated.
I miss his flesh.
I miss feeling protected, safe, and secure.
I miss his ability to seduce me with an unknowing simple expression.
I miss loving him right here, right now, and not from afar.

What I miss most...I miss his company.

Midterms

2004-10-13T15:17:00.000-05:00

It's that time already.

Yep, I'm already studying for my midterms. I have one tomorrow, and another on Saturday. My other three classes just require me to turn in a paper or something, so I don't really consider them 'tests.'

With midterms comes studying, and so tonight a couple of people are coming over to study with me. It's good for me, because it means I don't have to worry about whether or not I have all the notes. With three different people's notes, I'm bound to get something right. Tomorrow's test is so important because we only get two grades in that class. The midterm and the final. So, I can't afford to fail this test.

Other than that, it's the same-o, same-o. Munchkin's doing well at school. This week they're learning to count from 0 to 100, and they're learning to write 0 to 6. They're also learning about community helpers in social studies. I'm so glad that she's in a school that actually teaches instead of babysits.

Munchkin has school pics on Friday, I have to buy her some khaki pants and a white, gold, or purple shirt, so that she matches the rest of the class.

I'm still considering going to Dallas this weekend. My final on Saturday is at 9am and only lasts about 90 minutes. It's a possibility, but I'm longing for a weekend of no traveling...Can you believe that I said that??? I'm scheduled to be in Dallas next weekend for a friend's wedding. Halloween, I think I'll stay home. Take Munchkin to some rich person's neighborhood and let her trick or treat there. I'm sure her school is having some sort of festival....Oh well...

Superman

2004-10-11T08:29:00.000-05:00

It was such unfortunate news this morning to hear that the Superman that I grew up with passed away yesterday.

His passing got me to thinking about what makes a person a hero, a Superman...

A hero is a person who offers help, guidance, leadership, or simply, just a hand, in one's time of need. A hero is not the man in the blue and red suit, but the one who inspires, sets the mold, and helps without being asked.

My daughter is my hero, my mother is my hero, my father is my hero. They are the silent heroes who lend their hands, their shoulders, their ears to me when I'm misguided, hurt, or disappointed.

When I consider what type of hero Superman was and still is, for the people who had a voice, that wasn't "Super" enough for to be heard, I feel gratitude that a person such as he, was allowed to exist.

Nine years ago, Christopher Reeves got into a horse riding accident that left him paralyzed. In his weakest moments he admitted his thoughts of suicide. He admitted his weaknesses, and through doing so, gained strength. He gave strength to others in similar conditions. His determination to be heard, to shout, if you will, has changed the nation, if not the world. Christopher, or Superman, better yet, my Hero, knew the importance of his position and knew that if he used his voice that people would listen.

In a recent interview, he admitted the motivation that Hollywood has on America, and encouraged Hollywood to do more. To speak up...To shout.

"Hollywood needs to do more," Reeves encouraged, in his 1996 Oscar awards appearance. "Let's continue to take risks. Let's tackle the issues. In many ways our film community can do it better than anyone else. There is no challenge, artistic or otherwise, that we can't meet."

Christopher continued to meet the challenge. He used his voice, he encouraged research, he made a difference.

Superman encouraged the research and development of Stem-Cell research that would enable doctors to treat and possibly cure several types of diseases and injuries to people inflicted with serious health complications. President Bush, if you can give him such a title, vehemently opposes such research, calling it immoral. While Kerry, understands the importance of what Stem-Cell research can do for many Americans across the country.

If you recall watching the Presidential Debate, you'll remember that Kerry mentioned that people such as Christopher Reeves, deserve every avenue available to them, that can cure or treat these serious ailments.

To be a hero, means to keep moving towards your goals, to not give up when it gets hard, to challenge yourself, and those around you, to keep speaking up about what you are passionate about.

I truly hope that Christopher is honored more for being a hero outside of his "Superman" suit, for his role in showing America that it does not take an out of this world man with the ability to fly, rescue cats, and save helpless citizens, in order to be a hero.

I am so thankful to Christopher Reeves. Not for being the Superman in the Red and Blue Suit. But for being the Hero, with the courage to do more than just speak. Cheers for Superman for Shouting...I hear you.

"I refuse to allow a disability to determine how I live my life. I don't mean to be reckless, but setting a goal that seems a bit daunting actually is very helpful toward recovery." -Superman.

The Clock

2004-10-08T11:05:00.000-05:00

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man.

"And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man. "Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

Something To Shout About...

2004-10-07T22:21:00.000-05:00

It really gets to me when I see people so blatantly ignorant. Why is it that I respond to their helplessness??? What is it about me, that makes me want to stand on the tallest mountain and shout from the inside of my soul what is so blatantly obvious???

I feel as though I am cursed with this urge to shout. I can not just be silent. I can not sit and digest the ravaging ignorance of their judgments, their lack of knowledge. I can not accept their inability to distinguish reality. Nope, not me, I have to speak. I have to shout. I have to point it out to them. I must attempt to bring color into their dark and blind lives...

When a minority refuses to exercise their well fought for right to be heard in their country, it baffles the hell out of me. It makes me angry. It makes me heated, it makes me disgusted. No...That's still not the right word...It makes me saddened.

I'm the first one in the line of Life...I'm the first one to raise their hand, and say, live life. Live it to the FULLEST, live it to the best of your ability. Just Live It.

But in order to LIVE, you have to exercise your individual rights that allow you to LIVE.

Hell, you can't go out and party all night, get pregnant, leave your kids at home alone, be on welfare, have a bad credit score, put your baby's daddy on child support, engage in premarital sex, use abortion as birth control, all the while dropping God's name every five minutes in order to validate all that you do or don't do, if the people before you, did not exercise their right to vote.

What's the use then? If I can do whatever the hell I please, regardless as to whether or not I vote, hell, I'll just be lazy and not even bother. Ignorance. Something to shout about.

I live in Texas, and although I hear people in my political science class mention how Democrats should not even bother to vote in Texas, it does not deter me from being heard. Even though I know, that the possibility of Kerry winning Texas is less than slim...I will not lose this fight without at the least, fighting in the war.

I am passionate, I am dedicated, I am obligated, to my past, to my present, to my future, to vote. I will be heard, I do count, it does matter.

For all of you out there, who has a voice, I urge you to use it. I beg you to do more than just speak, I hope that you shout.

Let God Handle It

2004-10-07T22:14:00.000-05:00

Here's a joke/story my daddy used to tell. You may have or may not have heard it before, and if so, I'm probably not saying it exactly how you've heard it, but here it is to the best of my memory.

There was an old man who lived in a little house in this small town. It was the rainy season, and the "Church-Going" man had faith that he would be alright. "God will take care of me," he said to himself.

He watched outside of his window as inches of rain fell outside. Eventually his house began to fill with water, and his neighbors knocked on his door and said, "Hey, old man, come with us, we'll get you to higher ground, you'll be safe."

The man declined to go with them. He said, "No, God will handle it, I'm going to stay and wait for him to take care of me."

The neighbors tried without success to get the old man to leave with them, and as the water got higher, they left him there.

Eventually the water was so high, that cars were floating by, and the old man was not concern. He had faith that God would handle everything, and that he would be okay. Some people in a boat came by and saw the old man clinging to the side of his home, and they said, "Hey, old man, come with us. We'll get you to higher ground, you will be safe."

The man shook his head no. He said, "No, God will handle it, I'm going to stay and wait for him to take care of me."

The people in the boat, tried to convince him to come, but to no avail, the man would not go with them. The rain hit more fervently and eventually they left him there.

The old man climbed to the top of his house, and the rain was pounding down on him. It didn't bother him, because he knew that God was watching over him, and that he would not be harmed. A helicopter flew overhead him, and dropped a rope. The man in the helicopter said, "Do not fear old man, I will save you. Just grab a hold to the rope, and I will pull you to higher ground, you will be safe."

The old man shook his head no, and shouted above to the helicopter, "No, God will handle it, I'm going to stay and wait for him to take care of me."

The helicopter, tried to convince the old man to come with him, but despite his efforts, the man refused. The wind and rain grew more fierce and the helicopter eventually left him there.

As the man sat on top of his house, the water pounded against him, and eventually covered his head, and he drowned. When he got to Heaven, and stood before God, he said, "Lord, I don't understand, I thought you would take care of me. I thought you would protect me. I let you handle it, and now I'm dead. Why didn't you save me?"

God looked at the old man, and shook his head in shameful defeat. He said, "Oh, but I did handle it, I sent you're neighbors, a boat, and a helicopter to save you."

The moral of the joke/story...Don't leave to God to do, what He has given you the ability to do.

The Great State of Florida

2004-10-07T21:08:00.000-05:00

Thursday...Last Thursday, I got into my car and began what would be a twelve hour drive to Tallahassee. High School usually does it in 9 1/2 hours, and hell, I thought I would do the same. However, High School never had to deal with a detour on I10 due to Hurricane Ivan's and Jeannie's destruction. So, I had a 19 mile detour, that took me an extra hour and a half to get through. Then I had to stop for gas in Panama City, and just my luck, there was a fucking wreck on the service road, and I had to sit through that mess for half an hour. Then I get to the convenient store which was inconveniently out of gas. I then had to U-Turn (illegally), and go through more traffic in order to get to another overcrowded gas station, where the gas was incredibly high and the bathroom made me fearful of my life....Off subject here...My mother has always taught me to squat over the toilet. Even if I use a paper toilet cover, I still squat...But these bathrooms were so ridiculous, I was tempted to just piss on the floor, hell everyone else did...Better yet, the sink...Anyway, I get back on the road, only an hour and a half from the safety of High School's arms.

Oh, did I mention that while driving to Florida, a small rock decided to dart off of a truck and hit my windshield...It was a small crack at first. And then it spread, and by the time I left Florida, it was across the entire driver's side...Luckily above my view, but nonetheless, still in my way...Not to mention that my inspection is due this month. And let's just say going to Florida was not the hardest part about my trip. My shoulders and back ached, my muscles felt all cramped. I was hungry and irritable, and I didn't make it into Tallahassee until sometime after midnight eastern time.

When I pulled up to High School's apartment complex, I was really impressed. When I saw him walking towards him, I thought, "I'll never complain about how long it took me to get to the comfort I feel when I'm in his presence..." That lasted for about 10 seconds..."I'll never do this again!!!" He laughed at me. He said, "When I saw you, I felt like I was home." I thought, wow, when did you become so perfect...

Anyway, we went to the Waffle House, which I love so much for their Homestyle Steak omelets, and grits...I love grits. Friday, we went shopping, hung out with some of his friends, and explored the city. Saturday, we slept in, played The Sims 2, and went to FAMU's football game. The band was great and FAMU won. We left, got something to eat, and went to bed. Sunday, we slept in, went to the movies and out to dinner. Monday, I slept till 1pm, his time, and didn't leave Florida until nearly 3pm Eastern time. I had such a good time. His friends were all so welcoming and friendly. The people that I met before were all anxious to see me, like I was the event of their weekend.

On the drive back...Let me tell you, it was rough. First, I'm doing 95mph down the freeway, I mean I was just getting it...Then this truck pulled up on the side of me and said, "Ma'am, you're tire is flat!" I had to pull over, put air in my tire, which I had never done before. I've always had someone do it for me. I figured it out I guess, and got back on the road, and again, I was getting it. Going about 90mph, I look at my dash and discover that my "low coolant" light is on. I stopped in New Orleans, and put some water in the jug. I then get back on the road, travel another couple of hours, and the damn light came on again. I stopped, had to have some man help me take off the cap to my radiator, to check to see if it had coolant in it (which it did), and had to deal with this old ass man asking me why I was traveling alone. I thought I would be kidnapped. Then I get back on the road, and little paranoid me, felt like I wasn't alone while driving. High School had to coax me into turning the light on and checking my backseat, while doing 90 mph on the highway. I drove with my light on for about 65 miles, lol... Then I had to stop for gas, and use another dirty ass restroom. I got back on the road andf had to slow down significantly because it began pouring down rain. I can barely see at night as it is. When it's raining, I'm worse than a drunk driver. I finally got home 12 hours later around 1:30 am central time. I stayed up till 2:30 am unpacking, because, I knew I'd never do it, if I didn't do it then. High School and I fell asleep on the phone, only for my phone to ring at 6am. It was Lil Sis, calling me to drop Munchkin off to me, so I could get her ready for school.

After I got her off to school, I barely had enough time to come home, shower, get dressed for class, and do some neglected homework. I went to class, and I swear I have not had more than six hours of sleep since my trip to Florida. My muscles still ache.

When I think about the trip though, I remember High School's comment, his sweet gestures, the affection, the love that flowed from him, even when I was mean, irritable, even cruel, and I swear, it was worth every hour I spent on the road.

Trip To Florida

2004-09-29T14:39:00.000-05:00

High School has persuaded me into going to Florida this weekend. He charged that he came here the last time, so I should go there this time. He really wants me to see his place...The show off! Anyway, it didn't take much to convince me especially since I'm horny. So I am about to begin packing for my rendevous this weekend. I'll leave tomorrow afternoon and I'll arrive in Tallahassee tomorrow evening. I'll stay until Monday. I'm not excited, but I am so anxious.

It means I have to turn in a paper early, which is simple for me. I've already completed the rough draft. I'll make a few corrections and email it to the professor.

I've made arrangements for Munchkin. Lil Sis will watch her. She's thinking about going home this weekend, and if she does, then she'll just drop the Munchkin off at her dad's or with my mom.

High School is paying for gas, which is $2 a gallon in Florida. HA! I'm not complaining.

So, I'll have a busy evening packing, getting a bag for Munchkin in case she does go back to Dallas this weekend, and making sure that all is bare down there...

Happy Birthdays!!!

2004-09-27T21:18:00.000-05:00

Happy Birthday Mommy!!! (Sept. 17th)

Happy Birthday Christina!!!(Sept. 17th)

Happy Birthday Uncle!!! (Sept. 22nd)

Happy Birthday Daddy!!! (Sept. 22nd)

Happy Birthday Big Sis!!! (Sept. 27th)

I'm Online!

2004-09-27T20:10:00.000-05:00

Oh my goodness, you wouldn't believe how good it feels to be "IN" again. I have missed lying around naked stroking the little white letters on my black keyboard. I have missed allowing my index finger to lightly roll over the ball of my mouse as I scroll through screens. I have missed the gentle tap, tap, sound I hear, as my fingers penetrate the keys. I can't describe to you the rush of emotions I felt when my computer chimed and I heard the Knock Knock Knock of Yahoo Messenger. It was an explosion, when I heard the "You've Got Mail" voice over announcing that some spam had arrived...Hell, I have never been so happy to go through my spam mailbox, deleting what wasn't worthy of my inquisitive curiosity, and saving what sparked my interest. Oh the sensation!!! You'd think I was shower with Herbal Essence body wash and shampoo. Yes...!!! Yes...!!! Yes...!!! I've come!!!! I've returned!!! I'm Online!!!

Anyway, I'm back, and here we go again. I've got A LOT of catching up to do. I have neglected not only my blog, but all of yours too. Sorry Yolanda, but girl, I've got a great deal of catching up to do. Gab, even though we talk on the phone and IM as much as possible, I have no idea of what your blog even looks like. Penny's, I'm still waiting on your call, damn it hurts to be stood up. Squishy, I'm here now, and I guess I'll have to wait until that little Munchkin of yours decides to make his debut before we get together! I'll be around. Uncle, I'm not sure of what you've got on Secret Thoughts, and I'm just a little scared to visit it. But I'll be there to attack your comments. I can't stand the girls who comment "Oh Poppi, you so fine, I agree with ev'ry thang you just said...Call me." Ugh!!!! Hell, you can talk about the fungus on your ingrown toe nails, and they'll think it's sexy. It baffles me. Thanks for the people who keep checking in each week to see if I'm still alive. I'm here!!!

I have a couple of things on my mind to write about. There's this story about a man on death row that caught my attention. I'm not sure what people's opinions are about the death penalty, but some people just don't deserve to die for their crimes, even if they are guilty.

I also want to give an update about High School and I. I haven't had much time to talk about us. We are still working on us, and it actually isn't as hard as it was last year. I guess we're getting comfortable in our routine with each other. Plus there's the big difference with him having a car, and being able to visit me, versus me visiting him. And, with him having his own place, it's considerably cheaper, since we don't have to pay for hotels. And, because he works, the financial responsibility doesn't fall solely on my shoulders. So, we'll see how things go...

I am finally getting into a routine with Munchkin, and with where I'm living. Learning the area, and venturing out to meet new people a little. I am busy with school, but I haven't gotten stressed out like I could be. I HATE algebra, and that will never change. I've taken a quiz five times today, and still only made a 65% on it, it's my lowest grade so far.

The apartment is coming along, I'm trying to make it my own, and I have lots of framed pics sitting around, to give Munchkin a sense of home away from home. It feels good to cook dinner for her every night, and get her ready for school every morning. I am so selfish, I have her all to myself, and I'm loving it. Her dad has promised to help financially, but I haven't seen anything as of yet. I'm not going to hold my breath on it, but my hands are practically tied. I can't make him support her financially.

I've realized since I've been here, that what I've thought were friendships were more of me trying to involve myself in someone else's life and not feeling their involvement in mine. I've also realized that that's okay. Since my 'relocation,' I've been trying to live up to my own expectations, and it feels damn good, especially, to not be living by others. The little shit that used to get up under my skin still happens, but it's easier to wash it off more so now, than it used to be. The one person that I can depend on for my own growth is me. But there are so many people who guide me along the way, even when they don't realize it. It is those few silent heroes that allow me to take that step towards growth, and it is those people who are my cheerleaders, and they are the ones who smile and applaud my growth; it is they who I thank each time I get a good grade, write a good paper, reach a new goal, even laugh from within my soul. It is they who I don't have to call every other day, or drop a line to in order for them to know their importance to me. It is the person, who reads this, and is touched, because my life affects them. It is those who encourage me, rationalize with me, offer criticism without judgment...I know I don't have to say thank you, but I want you to know, that although I am responsible for my own growth, it is from you, that I gain the strength and the courage to move forward.

Munchkin's New School

2004-09-26T14:14:00.000-05:00

After complaining so much about Munchkin's school, I decided to do something about it. Her school was horrible. Let's just say I picked her up from school one day and heard the announcements being played with R-Kelly in the background. To make matters worse, Luke was also played and the kids were encouraged to get up and move their bodies to the "It's Your Birthday...Get Busy..." song. I couldn't take it. So, on Monday I went to the office at our apartments to use the computer. I researched different schools in my area, and I was not getting positive results. I called my mom and reported to her what I had found out and how discouraging it was. There was a lady in the office, a Black lady, who seemed friendly enough, but I hadn't paid her much attention because I was focused on my 'goal.' Well anyway, after I got off the phone, she interrupted me, she said, "Excuse me, I don't mean to be involved in your conversation, but I noticed you were talking about getting your daughter enrolled in school..." After chatting a bit, she gave me the name of a private school, name of the director, and telephone number. I was so so so so so so so so so (you get the point) excited, that I went upstairs and called the director immediately. She wasn't there, so I left a message, begging her to let Munchkin into the school ASAP! The next morning the director called me back and we sat up a meeting for later that afternoon. I got lost and was nearly half an hour late getting there. I was pissed at myself, and pissed at Lil Sis for her screwed up directions. But when I got there, the director was so friendly and encouraging, that my apologies weren't necessary. So, we settled in, and I practically interviewed her, and she did the same for me. Lil Sis met me up there with Munchkin, and she got to meet her, she seemed impressed. Then she told me that her pre school classes were full, but that they had an available spot in the kinder class. So, I said, well, if you don't mind, I don't, and we shook hands and Munchkin was officially welcomed to enroll. I was so excited. Munchkin seemed to like the school, which speaking of, is so so so so so so so so so so so so so so (you get the point) much better than her previous school. They actually had a receptionist, it's like a non denomination church or something. I met Ms. Taylor, Munchkin's teacher, and she was friendly, and curious about Munchkin. It was so...Welcoming. The whole environment, it was like a real school, and not some ghetto'ed out daycare. I was impressed to learn that Munchkin would get homework, and that she would be encouraged to learn, whereas, in her other school the teachers just sort of babysat, and let the children do as they please. Not to mention that during school that day, Munchkin was hit in the nose, by this little bad ass girl. She needed to get out of that mess. So, now she's at Saint John's Academy. About 10 minutes from the house. A place that I feel much more comfortable about leaving her.

When I saw the woman who had cared enough to 'get in my conversation' with my mother, I was so thankful, most people would have held the helpful information inside, instead of sharing. I was thankful. When she asked me how it was all working out, I said to her, "This is such a relief, I can finally breathe."

No more guilty feelings about where I'm leaving my child, and whether or not she's really being taken care of. When I picked her up from school this week, she was full of energy and talk about what she did at school. It wasn't as if I had rescued her from the Big Bad School. It was more of, I can't wait to tell you how my day was, and as a parent, I couldn't ask for anything more. Relief.

Homework

2004-09-19T13:40:00.000-05:00

I'm at home...Well, in Dallas, and I should be chatting with friends and family, eating, enjoying the weather, and just relaxing...Instead, I'm in the office, where it's freezing!!!! Doing homework. Life sucks!

Friday was my Mom's birthday, and I couldn't think of a single thing that woman needed. I ended up getting her some candle holder stand thing. It looks like little latterns and they stand a couple of feet off of the floor.

Big Sis's birthday is right around the corner, and so is my father's and Uncle's. What the hell was going on in January???

I've just finished my Algebra quiz and English homework, now I have some literature to read, and then, I can relax.

I guess I'll get back to work. I want to get this over with.

I have officially decided to have DSL or Dial Up installed in the house. I can't take it anymore!!!! It's on my To Do List for tomorrow.

Life In Houston

2004-09-17T14:24:00.000-05:00

Houston's coming along...

I've finally got all of my belongings unpacked. The apartment is finally looking like a real home, and I'm comfortable in it. Munchkin's comfortable in it, and that's what matters most right?

High School came to visit over the Labor Day weekend, I enjoyed his visit. Munchkin went to Dallas that weekend. I met her dad halfway between Houston and Dallas to drop her off and pick her up. High School and I lived at the movies. That's all we did, I think I've seen every movie in the theatre.

We shopped, I got to visit my favorite store! We played, we cooked, and we...Of course...Made love. The way he touched me, the way he whispered to me, I swear I nearly fell in love with him all over again. I can't remember a time when I've trembled and felt tears well up in my eyes over sex!

When he left, headed back to Florida, I was satisfied.

I was also happy to get Munchkin back at home, and fall back into our routined life.

When I picked up Munchkin, Toy was with Nowaah, and I asked if Munchkin had had anything to eat. She said, she's had a lot of junk, but what she does for Munchkin is fix her a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. AND....She doesn't just use regular peanut butter, she uses...Peter Pan Roasted Honey, peanut butter, LOL!!! I was like "Oh really, okay, thanks, I'll try that one."

I am NOT going to admit whether or not I went out and bought the Peanut Butter, LOL!!!

Otherwise, I'm learning my way around the city. I cannot count the number of times that I've gotten lost. Which is to be expected. Oh, and the traffic...It's much worse than anyone ever warned me that it would be. I never imagined! It's horrible!!!

And, though Houston is becoming more and more my home. I really miss everyone here in Dallas. I miss Yahoo messenger!!! I miss going to dinner with my friends, chatting online with them, and hanging out with my family. I miss having a babysitter on a moment's notice (not that I have a life or anything to do in Houston). But I miss it anyway. I miss not having to go 10 miles to the nearest grocery store, or 15 to the nearest Wal-Mart...Only slightly exaggerating...And I miss having 'options.' I didn't realize how boring I was until Houston, LOL...

But I'm enjoying soooo much. I enjoy having Munchkin all to myself. Having her on a schedule, cooking with her, cleaning with her, and playing with her. I enjoy decorating her room with her, shopping with her, and just talking with her. I enjoy meeting new people, going to classes where I feel like I'm actually learning something. I enjoy watching Lil Sis live life. I enjoy being able to participate in her happiness. I enjoy, believe it or not, learning a new city. I enjoy the routine in my life. I enjoy pondering over what to cook for dinner and dessert, what to do on the weekends, and what to watch on a cableless television each night...Okay, not really enjoy, but I'm comfortable with it. I knew I would have to give some things up, but truly, I'm gaining so much more. A relationship with my daughter and sister, an independent life of my own, and steps closer to my degree...

Speaking of degree...I'm really, REALLY considering changing my major....Something more to do with communication versus just English and Education...As a matter of fact, I'm leaning towards a major in Communication, with a minor in English (Emphasis on Creative Writing). No more education...For one, you don't need a degree in Education in order to teach, and I don't want to be limited to a certain field. We'll see, but I'm really /leaning/

Anyway, I really miss my blog. I miss my readers, and I miss most of all their comments. I'm going to break down and get DSL installed, I can't take it!!! In times of boredom, my computer can serve as entertainment. Not to mention the different ways it can entertain Munchkin. I think I'm really /leaning/ towards DSL, at the least, Dial Up...I'm just really worried about having to sign a contract. I don't want to do that.

Anyway, I promise to NEVER allow a whole month go by without a post. A 'Hi, how're ya'll, I'm okay.' or something. So, there's my word on my blog, real for all to see, and for me to keep.

I'm going to get off of here and go enjoy some more of Dallas!

Back In Dallas

2004-09-16T13:29:00.000-05:00

I'm home!!! At least for a little while.

I went to pick Munchkin up from school, and her teacher announced that she would not have school on Thursday or Friday.

I wanted to scream!!! Is this not the most unorganized school in the district!?!?!

No notice, no note sent home with the kids at the beginning of the week, no nothing. I guess they think people have babysitters just standing by, raising their hands to be picked for the job...I've got to find a new school...

So, since Granny's birthday is Friday, I decided to pack my bags and head to Dallas.

So, here I am, in Sunny Dallas, and well, it feels good to be home. Munchkin's happy, Granny's happy, hell everyone's happy to see me, and it's going to be hard to go back to Houston. Between everyone's happiness and Munchkin's comments (But I belong in Dallas), I'm not sure how I'm going to get in the car and drive back to H-Town...

I had to skip class to come here, and damn that's frustrating, but I will admit, that it's good to have a small break.

Three A Days...

2004-08-25T12:21:00.001-05:00

I've been doing three work outs per day. I'm exhausted and exhilerated all at the same time. My hair is a mess between the swimming, sweating, and Houston humidity. But, I'm managing.

I'm not sure where this certain burst of energy came from, and I'm thinking it's out of boredom. Or at least it was out of boredom. After going to class yesterday, and seeing all these skinny assed, but great figured girls, walking around with hair that I thought only White women were supposed to have, I have changed my reasoning.

Don't get me wrong, I don't want to be like them, but hell, I want someone else to at least pass me by and wonder at what I do to get my legs so nice, and what I do to keep my hair from frizzing at the sight of clouds!

Lil Sis is killing me with the Ab work out, but it's working. Everyday I'm getting stronger and stronger with it.
Munchkin is great at saying, "Auntie, stop it, can't you see you're hurting my Mommy." Then she'll rub my shoulders and tell me to relax, she's too much!

High School is encouraging without being....what's the word...nervewrecking, I don't know. But someone told him to handle my workout routine with sensitivity, because I don't feel like snapping at him when he asked me how many times I've worked out for the day.

My real goal is to be able to work out with the track team during the Spring semester. I've got a long ways to go, but I want to at least be able to come in a not so distant last, when practicing with them.

Three A Days..

2004-08-25T12:21:00.000-05:00

Okay, I Admit It...

2004-08-25T12:17:00.000-05:00

More to myself than to anyone else, but I miss High School.

We didn't have any great episode of goodbye and I'll miss you sex. I was irritated with him, he was content with my irritation, and well, Tuesday got here before I knew it, and he left. No Sex.

So, as you all can imagine, I'm dying now! I don't want to play with my toys, not that I haven't...err, I mean have...But I'm absolutely miserable.

So, to pacify me and literally satisfy me, High School will be coming to Houston over the Labor Day holiday.

Munchkin will be with her father in Dallas.

I plan on getting sexed out for at least 2 months worth. The next time I see High School will probably be in November. I'm hoping October, but more likely November. We'll see.

As far as other options, I don't want any. I thought maybe I would, but I guess Absence Really Does Make The Heart Grow Fonder.

First Day of Class

2004-08-25T12:02:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was actually okay. I tell myself, only two more years of this, and I can begin on the next two years, that will probably take me another eight years to finish. The reward is worth the time, of that I'm certain.

My first class which has nearly 1,000 students in it is a History class.
Thankfully, I know two people in that class, and I can borrow their books!
This class will not take attendance!!!
I believe that this class will require my attendance...Yuck!
The Professor is a humorous Black guy...Hmmm, do I sense motivation???

My second class is a Political Science class, which has over 500 students in it.
I know no one in the class, and it appears as if I'll be buying a book...Damn!
This class will not take attendance!!! As a matter of fact, the teacher invited us to do whatever we please, as long as we do not disturb other students. He even included sleeping on his list in the syllabus, as acceptable behavior, just so long as we are not snoring, lol!

My third class is an Intro to Fiction writing class, full of about 35 or so students.
I know no one in this class, though there is a couple of Black guys with great credentials that I will be trying to get to know.
This class will probably take attendance, since it's so small, I wouldn't know for certain, because I was late getting to it.
I will have to purchase all three books for this damn class.
I think I will like it, however the professor hasn't warmed up to me yet. Jeesh, it was only the first day right?

My fourth and final on campus class is another English class. It's small, and that bitch is definitely taking attendance. If you're more than ten minutes late, you'll be counted absent. It sucks for me, because she is literally on the other side of the campus, and I'll have to nearly run to make it on time. I think that after she sees my first paper, she'll relax more. I'm not some inexperienced and self asorbed individual, lol!
She sort of lost me with her pep speech about not getting drunk just because we're in college. The class was all sort of staring at her like, WTF is her problem? I don't think any of us figured it out.

My Fifth class is an Algebra class, which I've selected to take online. I know, it's a face to face class, or at least should be for me, but I didn't want to be in school on any other day besides Tuesdays and Thursdays, and not too late, so that I can spend time with Munchkin. Not too early, so I can get her ready for school. So that's the schedule I'm stuck with for the next four months...Not so bad.

So far, I think school will be fulfilling. I'm beginning to get used to my area, and getting more comfortable and confident in my explorative driving adventures.

School Starts Tomorrow

2004-08-23T13:45:00.000-05:00

I'm starting classes tomorrow, and looking forward to the experience. I'm really beginning to feel my way around here, and it's not so bad. I missed High School for the first time yesterday, but other than that, I'm really okay about being here.

AND...Now I'm being rushed off the computer, because Lil Sis needs to go and pick up her stipend check for school. I shouldn't be complaining, that check pays HALF of the rent!!!!

I'll try and post more later!

Can't Wait For School To Start

2004-08-19T11:06:00.000-05:00

Ya'll remember how it was when we were little kids, and couldn't wait for school to start, so we could see our friends, or sport our new hairdo, and name brand tennis shoes around?

Well, I don't quite feel that way, but I am a little excited about school starting. I fear that I'll be just like Munchkin on the second day however, crying and ready to go home.

I have a desire to meet new people, to busy myself with school work. I'm taking two writing classes, and I can't wait to get started.

I'm sure it will wear off soon, but as of right now, I can't wait for school to start.

I'm bored silly, running out of business to take care of, and things to do. I should be washing right now, but I'm tired of being cooped up in the house. And to think that I haven't even been here a week!

I'm seriously thinking of going home this weekend. I left so much stuff in Dallas. I'm not sure about it, but it's on my mind. I didn't really get to say goodbye to very many people, so it would be beneficial to go home, Oh well, I'll think about it.

As far as High School is concerned. He came to Houston to help us move. He left Tuesday morning. I don't miss him yet. It took him less than nine hours to get to Tallahassee, I'm thinking if we so choose, we'll see a lot of each other. The long distance thing is not good for us. We'll see...

Munchkin's First Week of School

2004-08-19T10:48:00.000-05:00

Well, I've tried to catch up on everyone's blogs, and it's overwhelming to say the least.

Here in Houston, life is beginning to take on a pattern. Munchkin goes to bed by 9pm, we wake up around 6:30am, and I take her to school. I then come home, clean, wash, decorate, or whatever, and wait until 3pm so that I can go and pick her up.

Okay, here's what's really going on...

Monday, Munchkin was perfect. Even her teacher said so.

Tuesday, Munchkin rode to school with Lil Sis. Lil Sis said that Munchkin threw a fit. A fit like none other. She hollered and screamed, she cried and whined, she absolutely refused to go to school, until finally Lil Sis dropped her off at the classroom and left...Or, I should say, attempted to leave. Munchkin grabbed Lil Sis's leg and wouldn't let go. I couldn't calm Munchkin down when Lil Sis called me, no compromise, no threat, nothing could get Munchkin to calm down, so Lil Sis, with the encouragement of the teacher, left. Walked out. When we picked Munchkin up that afternoon, she was just fine.

Wednesday, I took Munchkin to school, got one foot in the door, and I could feel a fit coming on. Munchkin refused breakfast, cried, screamed, and hollered. I had to take her outside of the school, plead with her, threaten her, bribe her, and none of it worked. I even called her dad, and that didn't work either. Eventually, this little girl came up to us, and she helped calm Munchkin down. She walked Munchkin halfway to her classroom, and Munchkin finally calmed down.

Thursday, after talking to Munchkin about her behavior all night and all morning. I was certain that Munchkin would go to school and behave without a single tear. After all, I had promised her every reward I could possibly think of, lol...No seriously, we had a talk, she asked questions, I answered them. I had to remind her and assure her that I would be there when school ended, and that I would NEVER leave her. She explained to me that school was fun, but she wanted to spend time with me. After our discussion, I felt relieved, and so did she. This morning, she had breakfast, she was a little withdrawn at first, but she ate and we chatted off and on. I looked at my phone to see what time it was, and she said, "Mommy, are you ready to go back home?" I said, "Yes, can I?" and she nodded her little head, and I asked, "Are you going to be okay, and no tears?" She nodded again. I felt so proud. I gave her kisses, and I swear, I wanted to cry, pout, and throw a fit about leaving her there.

***I did promise that if she went an entire week without crying when I drop her off at school, that we'd go to Six Flags...Damn, I may need to change that to a month...****

Last Night In Dallas

2004-08-12T23:14:00.000-05:00

I haven't visited any of my friends to tell them goodbye. I don't know why I have it in my head that I'm just moving down the street. I suppose that in a way, it is only down the street. I'm already extending invitations to those who I would like to maintain contact with it. Please visit me in Houston!!!! Having any piece of Dallas in Houston, will make my life less surreal.

I just haven't had the desire for mushy goodbyes. I don't even feel any panicky feelings about High School going back to Florida. I'm not sure what's in store for me, or what any of this means. Tomorrow, I'm moving on, and what's meant to be will be. I'm okay with that. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Maybe so, or maybe it helps the heart heal. Whichever decision is right for me, I'm confident, will reveal itself. Actually, I think it already has. I don't like mushy goodbyes, and so I refuse to have one in this case.

So, if I haven't called you, and I haven't commented on your blog, and it seems like I've all but ignored you, I'm sorry. It's definitely not on purpose, it is simply that life is changing for me, and I've got to take care of self first.

Munchkin's spending her last evening with her father. I hope it's special. I nearly feel bad about her having to leave him. However, I know it's best for Munchkin. I know in my heart that I've made the right decision on her behalf.

High School went out to a club tonight, with some of his friends. It's his last night in Dallas too. I thought about having some big celebration for my departure, and figured I'd much rather have a private celebration for my arrival.

Houston, here I come!!!

Munchkin's In Pre-K

2004-08-12T12:00:00.000-05:00

Well, I went to Houston on Sunday. High School drove us, and no, not in his precious new car. But in mine. No harsh feelings though...Bastard!!!

So, we arrive in Houston and Lil Sis and TSU were acting strange, but soon they were to there normal selves, and we played checkers, which I won, and Spades, which High School and I won, and Dominos which High School and I won, and even Uno, which I had to remember how to play, but still won. The competiveness between High School and TSU is fun to watch, and Lil Sis and I had a good time laughing at them.

We didn't go to bed until 4am, and when 7am got there for us to get up and go to enroll Munchkin in school, it was hard.

Lil Sis was not trying to get up and she had to take me to the school because I didn't know where it was, so I picked up my cell, called my mom, and said, "Mommy, Lil Sis won't get up and take me to enroll Munchkin in school..." Lil Sis cracked up laughing, and I could hardly sustain my laughter and pout voice. So, Lil Sis finally got up and we went to the leasing office first to sign the lease, because we would need proof of address.

When we got to the leasing office, they said they'd give us the first page of the lease so that we could get Munchkin enrolled and then we can come back and finish signing it. That saved us a bunch of time.

We went to the school, and for three hours we were stuck there enrolling Munchkin in. When I looked around me, I felt like, I can't do this. I can't leave my Munchkin in this school. The school wasn't bad, per say, but it was not like a school that I had ever been enrolled in. It was just ghetto. That's right I said it, G-H-E-T-T-O, ghetto. I saw kids walking around with dark yellow tops, and orange pants, red socks, and no shoes. Not to mention the blue barrettes in the nonexistent pony tail in what I believe was supposed to be hair.

There was only Blacks and Mexicans there, which is fine, but I thought diversity meant diversity.

I saw kids that couldn't even speak....And I'm not talking about speaking with a yes and no, but literally speak, enrolling in school. There was a child in there, who grunted, no, he roared when he was speaking. That child was special. The lady next to me whispered, "Is he normal?" I had to conceal laughter. "No, I don't think he's normal." I responded. Then she said, "I don't think they(his mother and grandmother) know that he's not normal." Again, holding back laughter, but actually being sypathetic, I responded, "As bad as it sounds, I wouldn't want him in a class with my child. He seems to be a handful." She nodded in agreement.

I was sitting in the last line waiting to see the lady to register Munchkin for school, and I was starving. I dug in my purse to see what snacks I could find, since I usually keep a stash for Munchkin. I found a peppermint, and unraveled it. I had barely gotten it unwrapped, when this little lost child, stopped in front of me and declared that she wanted a peppermint. High School toyed with her for a little bit, asking her, "What, what did you say?" When she turned to answer him, I stuck my peppermint in my mouth so quick, and turned and saw that the entire line was staring at me, and I hid my face in shame, but I was laughing so hard. They all laughed too. So, when the girl turned around, she was looking at me like, where'd it go. She was the ugliest little child, please forgive me for saying so, but the child needed some help, and I was even more ugly for not giving her a damn peppermint. With everyone laughing at me, and with her little eyes peering at me like if she didn't get a peppermint she would roll over and die, I reached in my purse, found one of Munchkin's lollipops and handed to the girl, and she rushed off without saying thank you, like it was her divine right to have my daughter's lollipop. I wanted to pop that little girl so bad, and again, the line of people were laughing at me.

So the little lost girl, went and found her mother, and her older even more ugly sister. The mom asked where she got her lollipop, and she pointed to me. I'm like this little heifer, I should tell her mom just how rude her child is. But I refrained, and when they past me by, her older sister looked at me, as if I owed her something. With the entire line of people staring at me, waiting for my reaction. I decided I'd give her ungrateful ass a lollipop too. I dug in my purse found one, and handed it to the girl. She went on about her way, and I rolled my eyes, and then surprisingly, she turned around and walked back to me and said, "THANK YOU VERY MUCH!" My heart could have just melted. She wasn't so ugly after all, with a smile on her face. But more importantly, I wasn't so ugly after giving them two lollipops that I could easily replace, but that they probably rarely got.

And let me tell you, that line full of people applauded me, and I felt good, LOL!

When I went in to get Munchkin enrolled, everything went well. Her teacher will be either Ms. Hope or Ms. Love, and she starts on Monday. She said to buy Munchkin a mat and a towel. I was nodding my head, and then when she got to a towel, I thought....Wait a minute, did you say bring her a towel? She nodded her head. And I was like, what for, and she said, because it gets pretty cold in there where they take their naps. I was like, "Oh, so you mean a blanket?!?!?!" And she nodded her head. I felt...I don't know if humbled is the right word, but I felt something. The realization that some people can't afford to go and get blankets for their children to start school, so they just bring a towel.

We discussed Munchkin not eating pork, and I think we'll be fine in that category. I'm going to try and get her on a free lunch or at least reduced lunch program.

We then went and signed our 13 month lease, which was a big commitment for me. We can't move out until Sept. 30th of 2005. I'll be close to graduating by then, so I doubt I'll sign another one, but you never know.

We went shopping at Ikea, ate at the Galleria, and then High School and I headed back to Dallas.

I've rented a truck to put our stuff in, I've got Munchkin enrolled in school, I've got the electricity cut on, and all of Munchkin's school clothes bought. Which I'm afraid to dress her in, she might get jacked for her hair bows. LOL, okay, that wasn't right.... Basically, I've taken care of nearly everything, and I'm happy and excited about that.

I leave for Houston tomorrow afternoon, and I'm no longer nervous about it.

I will be back soon though, because I still have so much to do here. We'll see what happens and how it all goes.

Off To Houston

2004-08-08T15:22:00.000-05:00

I'm walking out the door, on my way to pick up the Munchkin and head out to Houston to enroll her in school tomorrow and sign the lease at the apartment.

I'm so excited!!!

I've been so busy lately. With moving and cleaning, getting new stuff cut on in Houston, and taking care of business here in Dallas, I've barely had time to sleep. Which speaking of, I'm exhausted!

High School postponed his trip back to Florida, so he'll leave next weekend, and so will I. He's helped me move, and as much of a headache as it is, I'm very appreciative.

He also got him a car. A 2001 Grand Marquis....It's beautiful. Grey or silver, smoky color, fully equipped, leather, keyless entry, even the gas pedals adjust to you...I'm jealous! But happy for him.

Munchkin's been spending time with all of my family. She's also been spending a lot of time with her dad. I'm missing her, but I'm sure I'll get tired of her soon enough, when we're both in Houston, staring at each other, wondering what to do next.

I got my hair cut, LMB referred me, and I'm grateful she did. It's finally looking healthy again, like I remember it. I swear, I'll never do braids again!

I went shopping this weekend, and by the looks of the mall parking lot, so did everyone else! You'd think it was Christmas or something, not to mention the traffic.

I'm proud to say that I didn't get myself anything...Except a pair of pink boots from Burlington's Coat Factory. They were too cute to pass up, and they were cheap!

I got the Munchkin so much stuff! I'm low on shoes for her though, and I still need to buy hair ribbons and earrings for her. I should do that now before I leave. So, I had better get going!

Hopefully DSL or even dial up will be installed soon. It's hard being away from my computer. But then when I do get online, I'm at a lost of what to do. Go figure, right?

MOVING ON

2004-08-08T15:09:00.000-05:00

My goodness....You never realize how much stuff/junk you have, until you have to pack it all up into boxes, and move it. I've found stuff from 8th grade stored in the garage. Hell, I didn't know it was there over the past couple of years, yet I still can't bring myself to throw it away.

I've packed up so many of my cherished items, and threw some away as well. It was hard, but it was necessary. For one, I won't have the room for all of the stuff anymore, and for two, it just seems to weigh me down, and that isn't what this move is all about.

I want growth, I want freedom. Freedom from myself, and the way I've lived my life these past few years. I want freedom from this image I've created and have felt obligated to. I want freedom from who everyone else wants me to be and the expectations that they have for me. I want to get to know me better. It feels good to let go and walk away with memories and not from memories.

The good memories that I will reflect on and remember the simple ways that happiness encompasses me. The memories that once haunted me, now strengthen me, and that fills a void I once thought infinite.

It's time to start saying my goodbyes. Goodbye to the house, goodbye to the city, so long to my friends and family, goodbye to the pain that I've experienced here, goodbye.

I'm looking forward to this opportunity to learn who I am, what I want, and what I need. I'm looking forward to watching my daughter grow, to obtaining my degree, to exploring a new city, to making more memories. Good ones.

You're Fired!!!

2004-07-31T11:53:00.000-05:00

I admit it, I skipped work on Tuesday. Yes, I called in sick, and yeah, I was a little sick...I just didn't feel like going.

So, on Wednesday, when I went into the office, I wasn't surprised to feel tension in the air. In fact, I welcomed it, and it made me feel quite giddy.

Ms. Mole came in, spoke, and I barely acknowledged her. I watched the office go to work, and I thought there's something surreal about today.

But, I ignored it. However, Just In Case...I sent some of my emails to my personal address, put away any papers I thought I might want or need, and cleaned the history on my computer.

About 10am, The CEO called me into an office, not his office, but an office, in I walked, and there was the HR lady. The CEO made his speech that basically consisted of his high opinion of me, and that I need not worry about any bad references from the company on my behalf. Well, thank you...And actually, I am thankful. I respect the CEO a great deal. It made me feel better about the situation, just knowing that he didn't think negatively of me directly. But then again, that could just be my desire of acceptance. Oh well...

So, he offers me two checks. One for an entire month's pay...Which I liked, and the other for the regular pay period plus vacation time. Which I liked as well.

The CEO also stated that we sat down thirty days ago, I voiced my concerns to him, and that because nothing had changed, or should I dare say improved, since that time, that it is probably in eveyone's best interest that we go ahead and part our relationship.

I nodded my head, trying to conceal my excitment, but for some reason, I felt nervous. And I HATED that I felt so damn nervous.

I signed some papers, smiled at the HR lady, and confessed that I had plan to put a two week's notice in on Friday. That this works out even better, considering I get two paychecks, that pay me two weeks passed what I would have gotten had I turned in a two week's notice, and I am able to draw unemployment.

Anyway, I put my happy tea in a bag, along with my daily candy stash, and left, and it was as if this burden had been lifted off of my shoulders. I felt free. I felt relief. Isn't that something?

High School and I hung out the rest of the day, and I was bored to tears, lol. I didn't know what to do with myself. All this time off and I don't have to sneak it!?!?!?!

So, I went ahead and made an unemployment claim. I got something in the mail today letting me know that it was being processed. I really don't think I'm going to have too much of a problem getting it. The HR lady said that my claim should not be a difficult one to apply for and get. Hmmm....Was she trying to tell me something??? She has only been working there for a week herself. She encouraged me to finish school.

My mom suggests that I send them an invitation when I graduate. Along with a thank you note for the opportunity. We'll see....

What this means for me is a little more security when I move to Houston. I'm going to look for a job of course. Not sure how long I can survive on unemployment.

Again, there's that feeling of relief. I have time to get things in order, and I don't feel as though I have to sneak. It's a relief to know that I won't have to worry about a negative reference from the company either. I truly believe it was one of those things where I just did not fit in, and the person that they hired did. And nope, I'm not going to play the race card.

Oh yeah, they were all screwed up about that. The lady came in before The CEO called me into the office. I thought, isn't this funny, lol. So, I met her. I thought to myself, 'good luck!' She's an old lady, older than Ms. Mole. I'd love to see her response to some of the shit Ms. Mole requested of me. That poor lady, I'm sure The CEO had a talk with Ms. Mole. The crap Ms. Mole put me through is not going to work with this new person.

I talked to my mom, and I said to her. "I keep expecting for something to go wrong. Everything is working out so right, I'm wondering, if this was my choice or if the decision were somehow made for me. Was this going to happen one way or the other?"

First, I just think about applying for school. It just passes through my head one day. I log on to the UH website, and bam, the deadline for applications is only three days away. I've got to make a decision quick. I call High School, ask him his thoughts, call my mom, ask her, call Lil Sis, ask her, and then I just did it. Paid my application fee, and turned it in two days later.

Then I sit nervously awaiting the acceptance letter. It arrives.

I wonder about financial aid. I am approved for a very good amount.

I wonder about daycare and school for Munchkin. We find an all day pre-k that she can go to, that does not require a set income or that she barely be able to speak English.

I worry about finding a place to stay, and whether or not Lil Sis really wants to stay with me or TSU, her boyfriend. I visit Houston, find a place by chance, that's in a good neighborhood, although is expensive as hell, but a place I can actually feel comfortable calling home. It's not far from UH, Munchkin's School, or the Medical Center where I hope to find a job. I won't even have to hop on a highway.

I worry about getting approved for the apartment. With a little bump, I was told that the apt. was not approved because of Lil Sis's application. Then after a brief conference with the Manager, it's approved!!! It was like, I have a school, Munchkin has a school, and we have a home!

Then I wonder about my lease with Big Sis, and what would happen if we were to break it. She tells me that because she's in the military, she can get orders from her major, and break the lease without paying any reletting fees...

Then I wonder about my job, which I had been having problems with. I want to get fired, but friends advised me that it would give me a negative reference, and it's probably best to just put in the two week's notice, and go on my merry ole way.

I get to work and get fired. With the CEO's promise that I will not have any negative references.

Along with all of that. I keep getting things sent in the mail. University of Phoenix overcharged me, they're issuing me a refund for one of my classes. Nowaah finds a job, he's going to start paying child support. Car accident, someone bumped me from behind, the insurance company cuts me a check for my doctor's bills which were covered under my insurance. In other words, the savings is looking fine, and the security of my move is becoming greater.

I keep waiting for the But...

I am definitely proceeding, with caution, but I'm beginning to feel as though this isn't all about me and what I want for myself. Maybe it's about something more...

A Change In Plans

2004-07-26T08:35:00.000-05:00

I've changed my move date.

The apartments that I'm moving to put us in the larger and more expensive (though much more convenient) two bedroom, versus the smaller less expensive (less convenient) two bedroom that we originally thought we viewed. Oh well...

It turns out that we're going from being on the top floor (4th) to being stuck straight in the middle (2nd). Not only will there be someone on top of us, there will be someone on top of the people on top of us. And ya'll know what two bedroom apartments usually mean right? It means KIDS...Yep, that means the possibility of having some bad ass kid jumping up and down and raising all sorts of unidentified noise while you're trying to study, sleep, or relax is a great deal more probable. And unfortunate. However, I talked it over with Lil Sis, and the extra money that the larger two bedroom requires, along with the convenience of being on top (it's always so much better on top, at least for me, lol), well, as much as we'd like to 'be on top,' we've decided to stick it out in the middle.

So, the move date is now August 14th. I'm expecting that my last day with Ms. Mole be August 13th, which so happens to be a Friday. I'm taking vacation for the first two or three days of my final week here. Mainly because I must get the lease signed and Munchkin enrolled in Pre-K.

I'm no longer nervous about my move. In fact, I'm ready to embrace it. I've gone in between feeling frightened by my decision to feeling overwhelmed with relief at having made my decision. Right now I'm feeling anticipation, and a readiness that I've only felt when giving birth to Munchkin.

As many of ya'll know, I'm a Capricorn. I love having that in common with Nowaah's first cousin Tyrese...Anyway, Gab introduced me to this astrology website http://www.astro.com
I found some pretty interesting things here, and of course, I'm going to share with you, a little of what it said about me, and what I'm relating to my move to Houston. I think it fits perfectly, and it encourages me that I'm making the right decision.

At this time you may have to strive very hard to get anywhere but if so, your goals when you do reach them will be more permanent and far reaching....You should not and probably cannot move until you are clear about your objectives....If you are at all clear about your purpose, this influence should assure you of success in any undertaking that you become involved in now. Proceed full steam ahead and do not worry.

It also said...

You are secure in your knowledge of yourself and in the direction your life is taking. Even so, you are willing to learn more, and you will have many opportunities to do so....You are much more likely to appreciate this chance to grow in wisdom and maturity. This is a good time to pursue an education if you desire, because you are open to new ideas and will be receptive to your studies. This is also a good time to get in touch with your inner feelings. You are much more willing than usual to face the inner hidden aspects of yourself that you have been afraid to face in the past. Now you see a confrontation with your inner self as another opportunity to learn, and in truth it is. Also you will be able to understand how your past has affected the present, and you will learn to gain control over parts of yourself that used to control you.

Wow...I'm excited and feeling more and more secure about my decision everyday. The move is nearing and the anticipation of a new beginning is growing.

Discussion Question 51 Sex School

2004-07-21T15:57:00.000-05:00

One of the things that I enjoy most about my sex life with High School is that we can communicate with each other. Words are not necessary. He knows my pleasures and discomforts by observing my movements, sounds, and my responses. It makes lovemaking experimental yet comfortable, fulfilling, and spontaneous.

The first time we were ever close to being intimate, he slid his fingers down my shorts (I wasn't wearing any underwear, seems to be the norm with me huh?) and he placed his index and ring finger on the lips of my vagina and gently opened me up for better control. He then moved his middle finger in a clockwise motion over my clit, every now and then diving inside the wet moisture that was getting thicker as he played with me.

Now, I'm not a woman who likes fingers. As a matter of fact, they creep me out. Part of the downfall of my birth control method (the nuva ring) was that I had to reach my fingers inside of me to pull it out. I cringe at the thought of it.

When High School first placed his fingers down my shorts, my first thought was to pull away. But I figured, hey, we'll see how far he goes. I was surprised that he knew what he was doing. Afterall, he was only 18 at that point...Barely 18...But from the moment he touched me that way, I noticed him observing my reaction. When he drove too far, I would tense, and he would loosen up. When he found my spot I moved towards him, and 'happy' noises escaped me, and he continued with what he was doing.

The same thing went for me. When I 'bathed' King, I noticed that there's a certain spot that he likes me to lick. Simply licking it brings him close to orgasm. Hell, this was great for me, because my jaws were always quick to get tired (it's cause he's so big, lol, just trying to earn brownie points ya'll).

Anyway, Paying Attention to your lover is the best way to learn how to be a Good Lovemaker.

OBSERVE, PRACTICE, PERFECT!

So, now on to the Discussion Question....And ya'll stop being shy...

"If you could send your partner to a sexual techniques school, would you? Assume your lover will come home an expert after spending three months studying and practicing the art of lovemaking."

Why So Silent???

2004-07-21T15:39:00.000-05:00

Well, I've not been up to much of late. Nothing to talk about, blah, blah, blah. I must confess that I haven't even be reading all my friends' blogs...Sorry about that ya'll. I've been on yahoo playing literali pretty much all this week. It's entertaining, and you know, sometimes, even I get sick of it being All About Me....Ya'll don't throw that up in my face in a couple of weeks when life speeds back up.

Pretty much it's been the same o, same o.

Lil Sis got a job in Houston. She called all excited and everything. Virgin, an old friend, and yes he's a 24 year old virgin/bugaboo, got her a job at this theatre he part time's at. She's excited and happy about it, and that makes me excited and happy for her. She also got her a new car. Another Infinity. Instead of it being a J30 it's an I30 or vice versa. Ya'll know, I'm not much of a car fan.

Speaking of cars...High School fixed my brakes today. I very much needed it. They were hissing everytime I tapped them...Oh and rush hour traffic, it was horrific!

I've done some online shopping, for the apartment in Houston. The colors are all shades of creams and browns. Munchkin's room will be quite colorful! And my room will be soft blues. Hell, my room will be a mess as it usually is, so who am I kidding. Whatever color sheets that are clean will be my room. The bathroom, I'm a little stuck on. Since we will only have one potty (as Munchkin and I like to call it), I'm not sure if I should do it in creams (which is my preference) or keep it mulit coloful as it is now. Lot's of yellows, pinks, and blues. It's not too kiddish, and it's feminine, but it's not as classy as I would like it. But, then again, I have to consider that it's not just my place, it's Munchkin's and mine. Oh yeah, Lil Sis's too!!!

I am officially off of birth control. Although I've liked the convenience of it, and skipping periods is wonderful, I just am not happy with it anymore. Since I've been off, I feel no difference though.

Tonight, I'm going home to a glass of wine, a home cooked meal (I'm making smothered steaks and cheesecake for dessert, found this really nice recipe online), and a warm bubble bath. Actually, I'm quite sure that the bubble bath will turn into a steaming hot shower.

Anyway, as I said earlier...I'm so silent because well, as you can tell, I've been up to absolutely nothing!!!

Almost Doesn't Count...

2004-07-16T08:20:00.000-05:00

Well, it's been quite boring with me lately.

Wednesday I had Jury Duty. I wasn't selected, in fact, I didn't even get called for Voir Dire....I was a little disappointed.

It's the weekend, and I have no plans. Tempted to go shopping, but I'm waiting for tax free shopping, the first weekend in August.

I've got plans to buy the Munchkin lots of stuff...Speaking of the Munchkin. Wednesday, Nowaah called and told me he found a job!!!

What was so great about this call, is that I could hear the sense of accomplishment in his voice. So my apologies to Nowaah for my lack of patience...Even though it has been two years.

I will be sure to change his name soon. What a relief for me though. I won't be solely responsible for providing Munchkin with the essentials she'll need for school and life in Houston.

I've already got bills that are a little bit more expensive than I pay here, with a job. I don't even have a position lined up in Houston. I'm thinking I'll sign myself up with a temp agency. See how that goes.

So, not much to talk about, which is why I haven't posted lately.

Ms. Mole, of course is still driving me crazy! Our offices moved from the seventh floor to the third floor, and I'm actually loving it. I wasn't here on Wednesday when they did the move, which is great for me, because I didn't have to help. Now I have a nice "four" wall office with hardwood floors and lots of privacy. What can I say? Almost makes me want to cancel my move to Houston...Almost.

Re-Post of Selling Sex To Kids

2004-07-13T11:21:00.000-05:00

I originally posted this post September 9, 2003. I am reposting it, simply because on Uncle's page, he spoke about abortions. It reminded me of this post. Steps we can take to avoid it all together. Look for a special post from me on abortions, whenever Ms. Mole isn't looking over my shoulder!!!

*Link to Article At the Bottom of Entry.*

"Programs That Work"

While reading this article on foxnews.com, I found myself in a frenzy of mixed opinions.

The article is about Government Funded Sex Education Classes. The Program, humorously entitled, "Programs That Work," were feeling the heat from people about their extreme measures. When I first began reading the article, I thought to myself that being educated about sex an everyday, normal occurrence is a good idea. Education regarding sex is not permission to have sex, is it? Well, after reading the article, I was a little confused about what type of education these classes were providing and rather or not the programs were not in fact, a little too extreme.

I was in the fifth grade when I had my first class on sex education. Mrs.. Rossier was my teacher, in Heidelberg Germany. The class was separated, with boys in one room and girls in another. The girls got to watch certain videos and the guys got to watch certain videos. Some videos came in the form of cartoons, and others had actual actors and presenters. The videos spoke about menstrual cycles, cramps, and the process that the egg goes through when being attacked (just kidding, lol) by sperm.

It also spoke about breasts. Different girls have different sizes and shapes, different areola colors, and different nipples. It talked very little about sex. But it was very informative. My period began that year, and because of my experience with that class, I was better prepared for it, and less frightened. When my breast were growing, they hurt and ached, the video helped explain why. My breasts were bigger than the other girls in my school, the video helped make me feel normal. I suppose it was more of a preparation to adolescents type class. The closest that the video got to sex was the process of the sperm reaching the egg for fertilization. It was sex from a technical standpoint, and there was no mention of safe sex, or disease. For me, back in the late 80's,this class was very helpful. It's now a new millineum.

Because I was a part of a military family, I was switched to so many different schools, and each school district had a different way of offering sex education classes. It seemed that I was either behind schedule with the class...meaning, I was in the seventh grade and the class was only offered to eighth graders, and then we would move. I would then be in let's say the ninth grade, and the class was offered to seventh graders. I always missed it. So, I'm not exactly sure if and what is offered in classes such as these.

However, this article mentioned some of the activities that these government funded programs, and even I have to admit that this is a bit extreme.

You will not be surprised to know that the Bush administration has pulled the plug on the program. Even with that so, some communities still practice some of the "lessons" that "Programs That Work" offered.

The agency has discontinued their program, and they are looking for a "new process that is more responsive to changing needs and concerns of state and local education and health agencies and community organizations."

Okay, so now we have the Conservatives and the Liberals. Let's see if we can break this down.

Conservatives say abstinence only programs.

Liberals say, HA! Our kids are having sex! Your kids are having sex! (Here's that three letter dirty word again). Instead of acting as though our kids aren't doing it, let's show them how to do it (sex)...right. Let's offer programs that teach our children the T-R-U-T-H about sex.

I suppose you can tell which side I'm on, lol.

However, this article touched on things that even a liberal like myself isn't comfortable with. We'll get to that later.

Adrienne Verrilli, spokeswoman for the Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States, made a comment that addressed my experience with sex education in a round-about way.

"It's more than just about the plumbing, about how the body functions, We also stress the importance of the relationship, and communicating. It's not as if we don't want people to delay sexual activity, that's what we all can agree on, but we want to talk to kids in a comprehensive way."

I suppose when I was "educated," The need for more education was not as necessary as it is today. Even with that said, I am a little appalled at the activities "Programs That Work" were organizing. A couple of examples follow:

-Be Proud! Be Responsible!: Designed for adolescents from 13 to 18, it includes "brainstorming" about different ways to make condoms sexy. It also includes role-playing situations involving "negotiating safe sex" in bisexual and homosexual relationships.

-Focus on Kids: Designed for youths 9 to 15 years of age, provides "condom hunts" at local markets and a condom race to see who can apply the condom fastest.

Now, isn't this a bit extreme? Just a tad bit extreme? Or is it just my Mother Instincts overreacting here?

Of course negotiating safe sex is borderline, I mean, if we're having sex, we can at least do it safely. But doing so in bisexual and homosexual relationships is a bit much for kids as young as 13. I understand that children have concerns about sex beginning at a young age, however, how much of adolescence is not the parents' responsibility? Teaching a nine year old how to apply a condom is scary.

There was something that I found somewhat helpful, and it reminded me of why I am such a liberal.

-Becoming a Responsible Teen: Originally designed for teens from 14 to 18, it suggests in a list of recommended activities a trip to the grocery store to examine the different kinds of lubricants for condom use.

I think 14 years old is good beginning age to assign this task to.

Robert Rector, a public health researcher at the Heritage Foundation, said all of the programs give the concept of abstaining from sex a nod, but the emphasis on condom use and sex play is over the top.

"It's not as if every word in them is bad, but they have a considerable amount of material that no sane parent is going to want their kid exposed to."

I hate to say it, because I hate to be a hypocrite. But I have to agree with Robert here. As a parent, do I want my nine year old daughter hunting for condoms and racing to put it on for a reward? Hell No! If I even thought she was participating in such an activity, I'm liable to whoop her behind.

It may be that some parents take more of an active role in the lives of their children, and others send their children to school or enroll them into programs such as these, in order to avoid having to discuss these serious issues with them. Maybe it is the parents' who should participate in these programs, and not the children.

Now, there is a group named SIECUS, who gathers information from a number of different activist and organizations and they have their own list of programs that communities are encouraged to pick and choose from. The program is the most widely recognized and implemented framework for comprehensive sexuality education across the country.

One includes:

Teach children as early as 5 years old about masturbation and homosexuality. As early as age 12, children might be learning about having fantasies about other kids of their own gender, mutual masturbation to avoid sexually-transmitted diseases, and that legal abortion is "very safe."

SIECUS Web site offers links to websites including, Planned Parenthood's Teenwire and Columbia University's Go Ask Alice. All offer graphic descriptions of sex acts, how-to's for so-called safe "sex play" and other hints and suggestions for achieving sexual pleasure.

I actually think that the website is probably helpful for the teens who enter it. Nine times out of ten, if the teen enters that website he or she has an interest in having sex, and will do so, if they have not done so already. If the website then in return, offers ways to protect yourself, then it is helping somebody out there, if not a number of people make good decisions on how to have sex.

Maybe these are issues that we have to address with our children. Maybe these programs helps us to do so, however, it's just a little disturbing that the programs address issues with kids so young, that most adults can't even handle.

Here is the most important issue that the article skims across.

When we talk openly with our children, who are going to have sex anyway, it gives us an opportunity to offer them information and options to avoid STDs, HIV/AIDS and unwanted pregnancies. Advocates say critics would rather tell kids not to have sex and leave it at that.

"It's not the abstinence we object to, it's the abstinence-only programs we object to because they are dangerous and they do not work," said Jim Farrell, a spokesman for Planned Parenthood, which says teens armed with information about safer sex methods use them when they become sexually active. "We want to give them the skills and information to delay the activity until they can have a mature experience."

This is exactly what I am saying. My true concern here is the age groups of the children that are targeted here; not the subject matter that is being discussed. In my opinion, the activities are a bit extreme for the age groups that they target, but they are not extreme for a mature audience. I do not think we should hide sex from our children. However, we should be cautious.

For one, we should be cautious of who is teaching our children and what specifically they are teaching. We do not need a virgin teaching sexually active kids. We do not need a porn star teaching our children the importance of protection. Nor do we need a Pro-life or conservative activist teaching our children about abortions or homosexuality. We need to know who the teachers are, or else it's like listening to a White history teacher, lecturing our Black students about their history and culture. There are certain biases and concealed information that should be and needs to be revealed.

Brian Camenker, president of the Parent's Rights Coalition, said "This is about selling sex to kids, and a lot of people don't realize it."

Are these "Programs That Work, or are we in fact selling sex to kids? What do you think?

Article on Foxnews.com
Tuesday , September 09, 2003
By Kelley Beaucar
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,96660,00.html

Easier To Ignore Than To Acknowledge

2004-07-13T08:34:00.000-05:00

Believe it or not, Gone With The Wind is one of my favorite movies. Scarlett O'Hara is a strong character who faces a great deal of denial. Classic case of chasing something you think you want, neglecting to see that all you need and truly desire, you already possess.

My favorite line, and though I don't remember the exact words surrounding my favorite line, it is my favorite line in the entire movie, and accurately describes my life.

It is not the classic line, "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn." It is Scarlett's reaction to Rhett's declaration that I truly love and totally relate to. In response to that, she calls after him, I believe nearly begging him to return or not to leave, one or the other. When the door slams and she feels the finality of it. She says aloud to herself and the walls of their home. "I needn't worry, he'll be back. I'll think about it tomorrow."

I'll think about it tomorrow.

Isn't it funny how tomorrow never comes?

I've lived my life so much around this line. Funny, because it took me watching this movie to realize that I put off what I knew was right today, until another time that never came. I thought it easier to ignore whatever reality I did not want to face or accept, rather than to acknowledge it, accept it, then do something about it.

Staying involved with people, I knew I shouldn't have.
Not offering that apology to someone that I knew I rightfully owed.
Denying the pain I experienced with my parents' divorce.
Accepting lust for love.
Neglecting bills.
Putting off my completion of school.
Allowing friends into my home, that I sensed were not my friends at all.
Telling myself tomorrow, knowing very well, that tomorrow would never be tomorrow.

I'll think about it tomorrow. I'll deal with it tomorrow. Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow.

Tomorrow is finally, finally, finally Today.

The Job Search Is On

2004-07-11T17:09:00.000-05:00

It's been a good weekend. Friday I met High School at Valley View Mall. He picked up the Munchkin so I wouldn't have to drive through traffic to get her myself. Isn't that sweet! I'm loving the effort, and yes, it does get even better...

Saturday, the Munchkin and I got bathed and dressed and headed out to the Taste of Dallas, which we enjoyed. She stayed the night with Riah and I skipped the Comedy Show and opted for Spiderman 2, which I enjoyed.

Now here it is Sunday, and I got stuck on the phone with Uncle. He told me a few things about some girls who read my site and have declared that I lack subject matter, lol. Something I will write more about and seriously address later.

So, I cleaned, did laundry, and jumped in the car to pick up Munchkin and head over to Granny's. I updated my resume. Applied to about 20 different positions that I would have to either decline or beg for Tuesdays and Thursdays off if offered the position. However, the point is that I updated the resume, and am actively persuing a job in Houston...I'll say that that is progress.

Anyway, that's my "personal journal" update. We'll get to subject matters in another post. Right now, Munchkin needs my supervision in riding the Barbie Jeep around the neighborhood.

How come no one warned me about the required adult supervision when I went out and bought the damn thing!?!?!

Reflections

2004-07-09T12:51:00.000-05:00

Excuse me, because I believe that this post will only make sense to myself. Maybe someone who has recently gone through a change will be able to relate, but to others, I fear that this post will be nothing more than un-organized thoughts and ramblings. Have patience, because I am only writing as the thoughts flow out of me...

Recently I read a post that gave me a chance to reflect on some of my own personal dilemmas.

I have always found that running solved problems. Because my father was in the military, every so often we would move, and all of the problems I faced while in that location, seemed to sort of vanish into the boxes we packed while preparing to move. My parents would throw things away, clean our old home, and simply leave. Rarely looking back. I suppose it's because they were always looking forward. For me, I so willingly packed, washed, and cleaned because I was leaving a past behind. There's was always some sort of shame I felt, somehow I never seemed to be the person that everyone else thought I was.

Everyone who knew me, knew me differently. No two friends could sit together and chat about me, and know they were speaking of the same person. I molded myself to fit other people, which is fine in certain instances. But somewhere, some how, I got caught up in living my life in so many different ways, that I lost sight of who I was.

Was I the promiscuous girl who flirted with the boys and enjoyed having bragging rights on just how far I took it?

Or was I the innocent girl who would spend hours studying in her bedroom so that she could have the best grades and take advantage of all of the opportunities that were laying in front of her?

Was I the good girl who liked bad boys?

Or was I the Mama's girl who loved to be in the kitchen or in the garden by her side?

Was I the popular girl in school who dressed well and got along with all of the teachers and students; Head of the Debate team and active in the Government Club?

Or was I the girl who skipped class to go over some guy's house just to hang out and look cool, possibly leading to some sexual activity that I didn't truly enjoy?

I was so many different people while growing up that here I am as an adult, and still struggling to identify what is real about myself and what is not.

I took comfort in running. You wouldn't believe how simple it was to pack up, clean up, and throw away all of the pain, the ugliness, the sadness in my life. I ran. I ran. I ran. I ran to more problems, different issues, more garbage, more dirty secrets. I ran towards shame, not away from it.

Now that I'm a little older, I realize that I'm somehow addicted to my past. I am tempted to run because it has always provided me with some sort of comfort.

When I reflect on my past, I see so much shit that I thought was worthy of being ashamed of, that was simply life. After all these years, I had no one to offer me encouragement, guidance, or companionship. No one to say, "I'm here, if you need me." No one who took notice to my running...

So often, people look at me questionably with Munchkin and some have the courage to ask me, "Why is it when Munchkin cries or whines, or questions you, you rarely take a firm stand and declare your position as her Mother, which is the only explanation or answer that matters?" As a child, my Mother would dismiss me from an adult conversation. She never talked about sex, or about love, or even about my real father. She never talked about the brother I had and never met, she never spoke of the 'secrets' so I grew to be ashamed of my thoughts and my desires, and I didn't want to express my needs or fears. When I look at Munchkin. I fear, that in trying to control her tear and her emotions, by silencing them, and not allowing her to feel, that she too will learn to be ashamed of life.

I, of course, learned as I grew into a young woman, that although my mom did not lavish me with hugs and kisses, she drowned me in love. There's no doubt about what she feels for her children, but I didn't trust her enough, at a young age to confide in her or anyone. It's at the young age, that I needed to trust her. It's at a young age, when I needed to know what love was, how love felt, and that it was okay to cry. To express myself verbally and through tears, without shame.

When I look into the mirror, I never study my reflection. As a matter of fact, it often takes me a moment to recognize myself in a photograph. I never use the mirror for it's true purpose. I wash my face, apply lip gloss, observe a new hairstyle, even pluck my eyebrows, but I never study me.

Tonight, tomorrow, the next day, and the next day, I am sitting down in front of my mirror and studying my reflection. I am going to look into my eyes, visit my past, and move on towards my future.

How my feet have ached from running so long, from a past that lies there on the other side of the mirror, my reflection, every day. How useless it is to run! I am so grateful that I am finally relieving myself from my self imposed burdens, simply because I lived life.

There is so much from life that I have accepted, simply because I avoided viewing my reflection. There is so much hurt and so much pain that I thought I deserved as a result of my past. There is so much that I have ignored, so much that I have endured, simply because I didn't know which life was mine. I didn't know who I was, I didn't know where I was going. And the answer lies there in my reflections....I don't have to run anymore.

I don't want to run anymore. I don't want to hide anymore. I don't want to move forward with a new life in a new place with new people, without truly cleaning up, packing boxes, and throwing out the trash that is truly garbage. I want to be me, unashamed, unabashed, and purposeful.

From Nowaah to Noah

2004-07-09T12:40:00.000-05:00

Nowaah has requested that I change his name on my blog. He threatened that I have slandered his name and I'm going around telling people that he's a deadbeat dad. Hmmm...Well, just for the record. Nowaah...Err...I mean "Noah" is NOT a deadbeat dad. He spends a great deal of time with Munchkin. He just doesn't support her financially. Hey a fact is a fact no matter whether we like it or not.

I suppose that because he spends so much time with Munchkin, he feels that he's exempted from paying child support. Hell, since I provide all of the financial support for Munchkin and all of the medical coverage, I wonder if that should exempt me from ever having to spend time with her. Hmmm...Wonder what kind of mother that would make me?

So, because Nowaah...Err, I mean Noah is having such a difficult time accepting the truth. I will now simply refer to him as Noah...Or, Deadbeat Dad, or Non-Child Support Paying Father, or....My favorite....The Babysitter!!!