Can I just admit that lately my emotions have been as unrecognizable to me as the Japanese language here in Okinawa? I hear the language everyday, see the Japanese writing everyday. Just as I experience these emotions everyday, yet for some odd reason they still seem so foreign to me. I know the basics hello, goodbye, and thank you. Just as I can identify my emotions as anxiety, confusion, and nervousness. But the difference is that I just can't seem to focus on why it's there in the first place!
I'm a ball of confusion right? Speaking another language? Well, let's see if I can sort out what I'm feeling into words that someone other than myself can understand.
As a child I was the one who was going to have ten kids. Yep, ten of them. I reasoned that if one was bad that surely by the tenth one, I'd get a good one. So far, I've lucked out and my first child is pretty awesome! I just never imagined that nearly ten years later that I wouldn't have any more children.
I also never thought I'd need fertility drugs, procedures, or cures, to conceive. I mean really, that only happens to 'other' people, right? Ha, I have to LOL at my own blissful ignorance!
Here I am on my third round of Clomid, FSH trigger shot, an HCG trigger shot, several ultra sounds, countless blood withdrawals, numerous POAS's, different tests, buying thermometers, google knows me by first and last name (it's my BFF), learning to chart, learning to temp, chatting with Ruby, creating support groups, venting frustrations, confusion, irritations,evaporating lines, one or two lines, signing up for free OPK's and HPT's, hot flashes, dry, creamy, watery, EWCM, High/Low cervix, blue dye vs pink dye, OPK's as HPT's, digital pregnancy tests, the possibility of not just twins but multiples, tender breasts, ovulation pain, implantation bleeding, what the heck makes a positive big and fat anyway, TTC acronyms, folic acid, prenatal vitamins, Robitussin, mucinex, baby aspirin, FertileCM, DPO, pineapple core, evening primrose, baby dancing, dairy products, preseed, progesterone levels, HCG levels, tilted cervix, sperm analysis, motility, mobility, and IUI.
What's crazy, is that this is not 'the end' of the above list. The list in itself is ENDLESS! I had no clue about any of these things, and I've become an expert of TTC and I still have nine more kids to go in order to reach my childhood goal. Not that I think that will ever happen, and let me tell you, I'm just fine with that, but my goodness, Coldplay really needs to get out of my head, "Nobody said it was easy, No one ever said it would be this hard."
I've truly learned so much in this process. More than I ever thought would be necessary, and quite frankly more than I would prefer to know. I've gotten my hopes up, been disappointed, been inspired, and been saddened. It has been both uplifting and discouraging, but it keeps going, and as impossible as it may seem, it's just the beginning.
TTC has proven to be as foreign to me as the Japanese language and culture has been here in Okinawa. But as I've gotten acquainted with the customs and traditions and even the language of Japan, I've done the same for TTC.
If someone were to ask me how was Okinawa, I'd say that the natural beauty of this island, makes you feel closer to God. Living in Japan has been a rewarding experience that I will never forget or take for granted. The language barrier is no where near as extreme as I once imagined that it would be before arriving on island. Sure it has it's moments of pure and utter confusion, but in the end, this has been one of the most beautiful places that I've ever witnessed and I've lived and traveled all over the world.
I'm looking forward to my IUI tomorrow as nervous and anxious as it makes me, I'm ready for it. I take comfort in knowing that my BFP and the birth of my second child, like living in Okinawa, will also make me feel closer to God.
